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Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
SoleBizzzz · 08/12/2015 23:14

I really feel for you. I feel it might be impossible to trust him ever again.

Whenischristmas · 08/12/2015 23:16

I'm not sure what to make of the messages but the bottom line is they have been close for years and going behind your back.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 08/12/2015 23:19

He is very clever isn't he.
The fact you no longer have any relationship with her and he thought he was in the clear.

Hope you are checking his phone for other messages from any other woman. Or make a note of all his phone numbers so you can check who they are on his phone so you can call them tomorrow.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 23:19

Just had a thought.

Is there any possibility that they were planning on living together? And she was pressuring him to leave you?

Those texts are weird.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 23:21

She says she'd send their messages to you, so why would she have deleted them?
I'd bet she does have the messages but they don't match her last story. I'd say they wouldn't match his either.

Arfarfanarf · 08/12/2015 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 08/12/2015 23:27

You don't have to sneak the phone. He has lied to you for years and you have every right to tell him to unlock the phone and go through it with a fine tooth comb. You dont need to do it secretly - he has given up any right to object!

Once you have the phone, restore the messages and judge for yourself. Take a look at his skype and emails etc while you are there.

I would tell him you want her prosecuted. He would need balls of steel to stand up in court and lie. It might be the only way of seeing the real truth emerge.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I honestly think he has done you a massive disservice in marrying you without full disclosure. I also think he isn't that concerned about you leaving him or he would be doing much more to try and keep you. Stag parties wouldn't even be a consideration.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 08/12/2015 23:29

X posted with you.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 23:31

I'm assuming she deleted them after the police contacted her. She deleted his number as well. I'm not going through all his numbers, that would be insane. There must be a couple of hundred on there, he has loads of work numbers on there too. And exBF was under a blokes name.

They won't have been planning on living together, that just seems ludicrous. DH has a mortgage on our house, I'm a SAHM so can't pay it myself and he damn well knows I wouldn't go quietly. He'd never leave the house and he can't sell it without me. There's also no way at all he would default on the payments and eventually get it repossessed.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 23:35

I can't insist on prosecution. Even if he would go through with it there's no way I could do it to her, being pregnant and high risk at that.

We spoke about the stag do, he saw my POV and said he wouldn't go, even though he'll probably still have to pay for his place as he's paid the deposit and it's a group booking.

I also thought our messages seemed fishy. Unless it was him bugging her and her telling him to sod off.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 23:44

I really should go to sleep but I'm too wired. Do you think it would be a good idea to call his bluff? Tell him I've been speaking to her and she's sent me all the messages and I know the truth (even if she really hasn't)?

OP posts:
Daisychain5 · 08/12/2015 23:51

I notice she signs one of her texts off with a kiss.....doesn't match the story

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 23:53

The kisses don't mean anything. She signs off all her messages with a kiss unless she's pissed off. She always has done.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 23:55

She also uses them to "soften" her messages, like if she's trying to get something off you she'll put a kiss as if she's being all nicey nicey.

OP posts:
Maryz · 08/12/2015 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookAtMeGo · 09/12/2015 00:15

I don't believe her version mainly because of all the 'no offence but I've got better taste' stuff. That's your husband ffs. She's already betrayed you and she's turning the knife further. In her shoes she should be kissing your feet, not insulting you. It's like she's protesting too much.

Lweji · 09/12/2015 00:15

He didn't need to actually want to leave.
He could have simply have led her to believe it.
It just doesn't sound like the usual blackmail. It looks like she'd be happy for him to be guarantor, not to directly get money from him.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 09/12/2015 00:20

That's what she's like, she has about as much tact as a yard brush. On finding out that we had slept together for the first time, in horrified curiosity she asked me if he had ginger pubes, when I said confirmed that yes indeed he does, she was all 'Ewwww gross! Ginger pubes! You should make him dye his hair brown.'

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 09/12/2015 00:39

Mary is right - they are both lying. Nobody gives or receives amounts of money regularly (and don't forget that 'can count on one hand' will be minimising) unless there is more to it. As Mary said, if his pestering was unwelcome, she would have blocked his number a long time ago.

I doubt that she just said, "Put it through the letter box" She's trying to convince you that she has never met up with him at all over the past 9 years. And even if he offered the money (which is likely), she would have to tell him that she was short of cash in the first place. You don't have that sort of conversation with someone who you regard as an unwanted sex pest.

The messages he has saved 'pick up' from something that had gone before because he says "I can't help you out now", so it was some sort of prior agreement that he would give her the £700 and stand as guarantor.

Also, she says "You promised me. You know I've been looking for days" and he says "Yes".

So he has encouraged her to look for a house by promising money and standing as guarantor. They have clearly been texting with updates and arrangements (the £700) because she says "you know I have".

She offers another way out (he gives the money and she gets another guarantor to view with her) but then clearly flips when he stops answering her. as the arrangement for her new house is falling through. That's when she threatens to send THEIR messages to Cunny and the DM. That bit IS blackmail. How convenient that the only texts DH has saved are the ones that back-up his blackmail story.

This is such a mess OP. Only you can decide what you want to do because only you know your own bottom line in terms of trust and fidelity. You can't even start a petition for divorce unless you have been married for more than one year. Why oh why did he marry you 4 months ago when he knew he was messing around?

differentnameforthis · 09/12/2015 00:46

The "no offence, but I have better taste" is deflecting. It's a defence against an accusation levelled against someone

"I'm not lying, I hate liars"
"I'm not cheating with him, I have better taste" (as in this case)

Said to throw you off course, and believe that she couldn't possible be cheating with him, because she has better taste in men!

differentnameforthis · 09/12/2015 00:56

I don't envy you, op. It is really hard to figure out what is going on here, who is even telling anything close to the truth.

The stories don't match, at all.

You may have to deal with the fact that you will never know what has actually gone on & for all you say that you know both of them well, you don't! Almost a decade has passed full of lies & deceit, and it shows no signs of changing, it also shows signs of what you thought you knew, about both of them, is also lies.

The two, at the very least, have been having some kind of relationship behind your back, and withholding that from you.

he has been at work since he "confessed" which I am sorry to say is more than enough time to contact her & get his ducks in a row with regards to his story, hers too.

I wish you luck, because I don't think you are ever going to get to the bottom of this.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 09/12/2015 06:30

That screenshot could very plausibly be him getting cold feet and backing out of moving in with her. Which is far more credible than him shagging her twice 8 yrs ago and she's been blackmailing him ever since.

And sadly, Cunny, you'd be surprised how many men (and indeed women, but we tend to hear less about them doing it, at least here on MN) are prepared to leave their wives and their mortgages and their nice semis in suburbia to move in with the "loves of their life" etc. And a lot of them do the backtracky thing first, when they get rumbled. "She made me do it wah wah".

And this was the last text exchange prior to him cracking and going to the plod?

Nope. Not buying it.

Keep digging love, I think you're at the tip of the iceberg.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 09/12/2015 07:47

I'm not getting why you feel you couldn't see her prosecuted. You owe her jack shit. She has lied to you, fucked your husband and taken money from him. At best she is a blackmailer. At worst, they have colluded for years and been cheating behind your back. The texts sound like a fair bit of communication has gone on.

As for your h - I can't think why he would have continued to give her money unless he really had been shagging her, or trying to shag her for years. If she really was as vulnerable emotionally as you say, then you would judge that that behaviour as almost predatory. He is not coming out of this as a victim.

I think you have to see how far he would go and insist on him pushing for prosecution. It is a good test of what the truth is because he will know it would all come out in court. My feeling is that your friend is nowhere near as vulnerable as you believe and she eould throw him under the bus in a heartbeat if it got her off the hook legally. With that in mind, he is likely to bottle it and tell you more of the truth.

Either way, you dont owe her your protection. She has never offered you hers.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 09/12/2015 08:22

I haven't once said she she was vulnerable. That's what everyone else has been assuming because I said she had a shit upbringing.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/12/2015 08:54

I think you know enough already, which is that he has been lying to you for years and is STILL lying to you. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

You mentioned that you're a SAHM. Will finances hold you back if/when it comes to splitting up? Because that's what you have to do, I'm afraid it's the only option I can see.

There's no use continuing to play their games and get the full truth out of one or both of them. They're both lying to one extent or another, and they're hardly going to suddenly become decent people and tell the truth.

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