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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
LetGoOrBeDragged · 09/12/2015 09:13

cunny you said you wouldnt see her prosecuted because she is pg and high risk. Apologies if I took that to mean vulnerable. I do stand by the view though, that whatever her situation, it isn't your role to protect her. The only responsibility you have is to your own (and your child's) best interests. For me that would be doing everything possible to establish the true extent of their deception.

Joysmum · 09/12/2015 09:18

sadwidow at 00:39 is spot on.

There was an ongoing relationship for him to know that much about her and continually help.

Reads like he made promises and then she got bitter and threatens him.

sadwidow28 · 09/12/2015 09:39

Just in case you want to know how you will manage financially, I'll leave a couple of links:

Benefits Calculator

Child Maintenance Calculator

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2015 10:38

You seem to be very focussed on whether she has been blackmailing him or not.
Perhaps you should put that to one side for now and deal with your husbands infidelity- you know that happened.

ButtonMoon88 · 09/12/2015 10:47

I suppose if he was being blackmailed it would change some people's perspective on this...I'm sure it would affect my judgement on whether I stayed or not Blush

Having read the whole thread and thought about your last few posts OP it seems to me (sorry to say) he may have developed an infatuation which she used to her advantage, took money when it suited, and then would blackmail him in to it when he hesitated.

You are being very generous and showing her a lot of courtesy, I know she has a high risk pregnancy, but isn't it telling that she didn't care to extend that level of concern to you in your circumstance.

Have you spoken to any family about this? I would make it known to everyone who knows both DH and exBF what they have done and what has happened.

NameChange30 · 09/12/2015 11:56

"I would make it known to everyone who knows both DH and exBF what they have done and what has happened."

Except that the OP doesn't know for sure exactly what they've done and what's happened! But I agree that talking to family and friends is a good idea - not for the OP to publicly shame her husband and ex friend - but so she can get some support.

I think your infatuation / manipulation theory sounds a bit right. They were both in the wrong and neither of them come out of it well! But I think the OP should be focussing on her husband now, not the ex friend - he's the one in a relationship with her and he's betrayed and lied to her. What her ex friend did was bad but it would never have happened if he hadn't slept with her in the first place (and stayed in contact afterwards).

NameChange30 · 09/12/2015 11:57

Correction: about right (damn autocorrect!)

ButtonMoon88 · 09/12/2015 12:15

That's true anotheremma- she doesn't know what happened herself yet, I just thought it would be good for OP to talk to people who know DH and maybe also exBF, so that they advise her, but also making known DH's infidelity, that he has been so desperate to keep secret, would be forced into the open, and perhaps in turn more truths will arise.

Kr1stina · 09/12/2015 12:40

There was an ongoing relationship for him to know that much about her and continually help. Reads like he made promises and then she got bitter and threatens him

I agree. I think it's been a consensual relathioship for years , they have sex and he helps her out ( with money, standing as guarantor for a loan or lease ) . Then one of them has done something to change the balance and he decides to bale out . Maybe she wants to move in with him, maybe he wants more or different sex ? Maybe is is suddenly stricken with guilt over cheating on his wife ?

She says " no you can't do this to me, you promised " and then uses the only threat she has, which is to tell his wife . THATS the bit that he is calling blackmail . Which may be technically correct, but I'm sure many other women / other men say that kind of thing in the heat of the moment and it's not exactly going to stand up in court , is it ?

Hence the " just stay away from each other " advice from the police And why they are taking no action . Cunnys husband is hardly likely to take a civil action against her based upon one text , is he ?

If Cunnys husband had evidence of blackmail , with messages , texts, bank transfers etc , he would have taken that all to the police . And they may have had enough evidence to prosecute , or at least to give her a proper warning .

If he were single, it would just be a stupid lovers tiff. Whereas he's a lying cheating bastard with a devastated wife and a sham of a marriage

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 09/12/2015 12:55

I told my mum and a friend last monday when he got the message saying that he had until 1pm. But that was when I only had his side of things.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 09/12/2015 13:00

out of interest if you dont mind sharing - what was your mum and friends opinion of what you should do Cunny?

shopaholic999 · 09/12/2015 14:36

I have been reading this thread since it began and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I may be way off here but could her unborn child be his and that this relationship has been going on longer than what they are both letting on? I mean, £700 is a lot to ask for (on top) of all the other payments for the sake of a brief encounter when they were 16-17! It's a lot to ask for!

I don't think he was planning to live with her as he wouldn't need to be a guarantor, he would be a tenant so no need to even ask him to be a guarantor.

There's definitely more to this than they are letting on. Hope you get to the bottom of it all..

sadwidow28 · 09/12/2015 14:55

Kr1stina you have called the 'Blackmail' accusation quite correctly apparently. I wasn't sure, so I needed to check.

I have just got off the phone to a former colleague of my late-husband's (police inspector) and he said, "Without further evidence of systematic blackmail, that text alone would be considered a threat in an on-going relationship." He went on to give me other domestic examples of threat v blackmail and I am satisfied that I have the correct information.

During the conversation, I asked the former colleague, "How do you think the police should handled this allegation of 'blackmail' when the DH contacted the police?"

Answer: "Tell both parties to stop communicating with each other - and refer each of them to the law of harassment (section 2 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997) which causes alarm or distress. If either one breaches the advice, then we'll bring that party in for a chat at the station."

So, I am now NOT referring to 'blackmail' any further.

goldglittershitter · 09/12/2015 19:33

Dear God, OP, I am really unsure what n who to believe reading this so can only imagine how u must be feeling - ur brain must be melting. I hope u r ok Flowers .

something2say · 09/12/2015 20:44

I actually believe him. She's made herself out to be the innocent one yet she clearly tells him to give her money otherwise she'll tell. His messages are no, no, no.

overwhelmed34 · 09/12/2015 21:07

Is it too late for you to try unlocking his deleted messages? Surely it would at least help to know exactly what you're dealing with..even though there is no possible good outcome that I can think of.
Flowers

PushingThru · 09/12/2015 21:11

They're clearly both lying, which is why it's impossible to reconcile their individual versions of events into anything real. Such a horrible situation.

Thisismyfirsttime · 09/12/2015 21:42

What does the 'I'm not coming back' refer to?

Thisismyfirsttime · 09/12/2015 21:44

'Doesn't bother me because I won't be coming back'. Perhaps she means she'll never see you and your mum again but could it have another meaning?

DollyTwat · 09/12/2015 23:17

Sorry but I think they were moving in together - or she was leaving and he was going to join her. He was definitely setting her up in a home, or he said he would.

I think you need to get both of them together and tell them you want the truth.
If you get into his phone again I'd also check where he's been if he has the location thing turned on

DontMindMe1 · 10/12/2015 01:46

who's the father of her current baby?

mathanxiety · 10/12/2015 05:29

I think you should go to the paperwork cupboard and start combing through it.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 10/12/2015 07:04

'I'm not coming back' means exactly that. She moved out of town months ago.

OP posts:
ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 10/12/2015 09:54

And has dh been out of town at all recently? How far is out of town away?

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 10/12/2015 10:01

She's 2 hours away, he hasn't been out of town that I can recall. Apart from when he went to do a job at MILs boyfriends mums house. He was doing that for an entire weekend.

OP posts:
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