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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 08/12/2015 21:21

I would just forget about it and her and get on with your relationship with your husband.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 21:30

Deo, you missed out a word... I'd say get on with ending your relationship with your husband!

Cheating I could possibly forgive (not that I'd admit it to DH!!) but lying to that extent? Never.

Lweji · 08/12/2015 21:30

Because he's such a catch?

ButtonMoon88 · 08/12/2015 21:32

I think it would take a saint to forgive this now, obviously what you decide to do OP is completely up to you, but how on earth could you move on from this? I would NEVER be able to forget about this. Thanks best of luck!

NettleTea · 08/12/2015 21:51

ahh, I missed those messages. Are you sure they came from her - or are they just her name on the texts, so could be a different number - could he have sent them himself to make up the story he was going to tell you is what I am suggesting?

Or if they ARE from her, then what does she say regarding those texts?

DollyTwat · 08/12/2015 22:00

Sounds to me like they're both covering their own backs and the truth is both their stories put together. He presumed her, she let him in order to blackmail him, and they've fallen out with each other over the huge amount of money she wanted

She was hardly likely to admit to blackmailing him was she?

SlightlyJaded · 08/12/2015 22:04

Yes I don't understand where the blackmail texts that you've seen have come from.

There are only 2 options:

  1. They came from her. In which case, she is lying
  2. He wrote them and sent them from another number that he named BF. In which case he is lying, sly and fuck knows what else.

Did you ask her to explain those texts?

You poor love Flowers

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 22:10

I've questioned her a little bit more about the blackmail. This is what she said -

He did help me out a couple of times. But he would always contact me and offer. Probably to see me. But I'd always just say post it through the letter box or something! I can count on one hand the amount of times tho. I definitely never forced him! He was probably hoping for more out of it. He would always say rude stuff etc. Over messages.

And I asked what she meant by rude and she replied -
Yes.. on about sex all the time.. sharing a bbc.. all sorts!

For those that don't know, a BBC is a 'Big Black Cock'.

Wtf have I got myself into!?! I feel dreadful for DD :( having a father like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 22:16

I can't even remember what the texts said properly. I had a quick skim of them and didn't really take them in. Gah. I could have got confused between the messages and what DH actually said. I know one definitely said she'd find a house that didn't require a guarantor (and he could just give her the money?) I can't bloody remember if it mentioned the money or an amount Angry FFS. DH is asleep and I can't even sneak his phone away to look, it's an iphone 6 and can only be unlocked with his thumbprint.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2015 22:20

He's asleep and you need to sneak in his phone and you need a thumb print...
It's even easier than with a password! People tend to be very heavy sleepers for the first couple of hours.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:20

Cunning Lweji, I wouldn't have thought of that!

Lweji · 08/12/2015 22:21

You should watch more TV.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:25

I watch too much already! Homeland and everything!

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 22:30

He sleeps awkwardly with his hands under his pillow Hmm he's also very ticklish so I'd definitely wake him if I tried that Angry

Good idea though.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:34

Damn it. Any idea what his passcode might be?!

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 22:45

I know what it was, but I'm almost certain that when he upgraded to an iphone 6 with the fingerprint scanner he got rid of the passcode.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 22:46

It's weird you being here actually Emma, that's the name of exBF :o

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:50

Oh dear that must be weird! Sorry!
Not all Emmas are bad, I promise!

Colabottle10 · 08/12/2015 22:51

I'd be waking him up and having it out with him. Why on earth are you allowing this lying arsehole to sleep in your bed?

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 22:51

Btw, I have an iPhone 6 and when I turn it on, I have to put the passcode in - the fingerprint doesn't work.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 22:58

Done it! He still had the passcode on!

OP posts:
franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 08/12/2015 23:00

Good luck to finding what you need.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 23:02

Sorry for the crap quality, my hand was shaking like mad taking these. I wanted to be as quick as possible so I just got them up and took photos of them on my phone rather than taking screenshots and sending them to myself.

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.
DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.
OP posts:
Whenischristmas · 08/12/2015 23:07

God op that's awful.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 08/12/2015 23:13

I don't see any blackmail in that text. To me she is tired of him mucking her around and he thought things were out of his control so what better to go with a story.
And it worked.