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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 01/12/2015 14:50

Flowers OP.

I can't be doing with the bile that most MNers seem to reserve for the OW in any infidelity situation, but in this case, given the history and her background, and also how things seem to have played out, I'm getting a clear sense of your ex-friend having manipulated your DH from start to finish.

Obviously too early for you to know how you feel or what you want, but I hope you and your DH can get through this. I feel pretty sorry for him too.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/12/2015 14:53

Wow - that is a lot to take in.
I agree with others. Don't rush into anything right now.
Let it sink in and then understand yourself and what YOU want to do about it all.
Only you can decide if this is deal-breaker territory or if you think it is something you can get over.
Take it a day at a time for now.
If you need some space then ask him to leave you be for a little while and get your head together.
This won't be easy no matter what decision you make.
Flowers for you OP.

HarveySpectersBalls · 01/12/2015 14:55

It's not great that your DH cheated, but it as obvioulsy something he regrets, and in a way was trying to protect you from it.

I really do not think it is the same as having a nine year affair and spending "family money" on wining and dining her...

I definitely think this is a case where the marriage is worth fight for. so sorry for you both, he's been an idiot but he knows it

CrumbledFeta · 01/12/2015 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrumbledFeta · 01/12/2015 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 15:03

We've been together 9 years and married four months ago today. He said it started not long after we get together.

I sent DH this message this morning, so I should have all the facts tonight-
I'm really going to struggle to get past this, last night I was either awake with thoughts and questions, or asleep and seeing you with her. Before we can start to move on, I need to know everything. And I'm going to ask you questions and you will answer them. I don't care if you don't want to. This is not about you now, this is about me and how I feel. You clearly didn't give a shit about me while you were balls deep in my best friend. Right?

He agreed.

OP posts:
Siwi · 01/12/2015 15:03

That is awful. Echo all advice to take time and put yourself first.

I am probably mistaken, but I thought that blackmail was taken Very seriously. Like arson and perjury; really long sentences compared to theft and murder. To act as a deterrent and stop everyone doing it.

My information comes from the Viscount Linley case and dh. Also, and again I may be wrong, if A blackmails B for something illegal (esp when being gay was illegal), then if B went to the police he would be immune from prosecution.

I thought that, due to the penalties if caught, it would only be worth committing for ££££

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 15:05

I think you have to ensure you have all the facts before you make any decision.

Contrary to a PP, I would be wanting to meet with the police, etc. Because, from where I'm sitting (on the internet and an uninvolved bystander) all we know for absolute certain is that your DP has lied to you for years. On that basis, yy I'd believe he had an affair but all the rest of it, well, I'd want to verify how much of it is true ie when it ended; the details of the blackmail; how much money he has spent and proof that it went to this woman.

I can see why you're angry at your old friend but don't let that distract you from finding out exactly what has gone on. I'm sorry if I sound cynical but really it will be better for you in the long-term if you get to the bottom of everything that happened now. Only then can you make a decision about what to do next.

LuciaInFurs · 01/12/2015 15:07

I have nothing useful to add but Flowers and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

eddielizzard · 01/12/2015 15:08

horrendous for you op.

my starting point would be complete honesty, like you've asked for. you've been royally stitched up by your dh and ex-bf. your dh has quite a bit of explaining to do now.

the real question is: do you trust him? if the trust can be rebuilt, you have a chance.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/12/2015 15:10

Gosh. Really sorry OP. Flowers

I'd be sifting through the artefacts of this affair, trying to establish how deep and deceitful it was, before making a decision.

My view on this is that when you're young, relatively newly married and have young children, it's pretty easy to cheat. As you get older and your marriage is tested, grows stronger, it becomes more difficult to forgive. I'd be inclined to forgive a fling from years ago, frankly.

But that's just my opinion.

As for your former best friend, I would look into whether she's done something illegal.

Whythehellnot · 01/12/2015 15:12

Hmmm not sure you have the full facts re the police. Do they really ring people up and warn them off? Not in my experience.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/12/2015 15:12

And quite rightly someone has pointed out that if you involve the police, your husband would be a complete fool to lie. You could evaluate his honestly by how willing he is to involve them.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 01/12/2015 15:12

I would also want to see proof that he had really been blackmailed. Because it's very easy for him to play the victim now. Poor wee man, forced into paying the nasty marriage wrecking moral-less trollop.

It's not likely to be that clear cut now, is it?

Has he told you how much the "more than once" actually was? Were they having a relationship?

Of course it will be up to you to decide whether to stay with him or not, nobody else can tell you what to do. But whatever you do, make sure you are getting the absolute truth about this "blackmail" situation. Because I would find that very fishy.

Whythehellnot · 01/12/2015 15:14

Also he's being vague about the money. Surely he would know how much he had given her. He was the one handing it over.

KissingFish · 01/12/2015 15:14

Something about this doesn't add up. Sorry you're going through this :(

ButtonMoon88 · 01/12/2015 15:18

That's horrendous, ThanksThanksThanksand lots of WineWineWineWineCakeCakeCake

Keeptrudging · 01/12/2015 15:20

He's just getting in there first with his 'story'. Maybe the affair has been going on a long time and she's threatening to tell you. I think he's fabricated an entire story, it's got you feeling sorry for him so it's working.

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 15:21

I don't believe he's told you anything resembling the truth, sorry.

You said this only came to light because she demanded £700? is that all? given that he's been giving her money, hundreds/thousands over the past years he's honestly just broken down over £700? And the police have had a word and now she's going to go away? really?

I would be inclined to contact the friend in question actually, and do it now, and have a discussion with her first to establish exactly what went on.

ButtonMoon88 · 01/12/2015 15:23

Didn't mean to press send then!!

Take your time with this. You have been told an awful lot of shit news out of the blue, how you feel today could be very different to how you feel tomorrow.

Can your children go to a friends house for tea tonight so you can have a chat with DH?

You are right to want to get all the facts warts and all. You then need to decide if you can live with this. I would stay with my husband in this case, however it's exceptionally easy to say this when I'm not in your shoes.

Good luck

timelytess · 01/12/2015 15:23

I think he's fabricated an entire story
The bit about the police is very neat.

timelytess · 01/12/2015 15:24

Ask him to take you to have the details confirmed by the police officer he has dealt with.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 01/12/2015 15:27

It is the years and years of lying that would get to me - he's only confessed because he had no choice - would he have carried on paying her forever?

This is just terrible for you OP - you will need time to get your head round this.
I would just niggle away at - if he lied about this, what else has he not been truthful about? It would niggle away.

twirlypoo · 01/12/2015 15:27

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope you are as ok as you can be Flowers

Next, Have you seen / spoken to the police about this? Their response just doesn't seem to ring true to my ears and I have a little bit of experience in that area.

Can you request bank statements to show amounts of cash withdrawn?

I really hope you now know everything and csn move forward, but I suspect there is more to come and I think you should try and maybe mentally prepare yourself for that. I am so sorry cunnyfunt Flowers

ButtonMoon88 · 01/12/2015 15:28

Check your bank statements (easily done if you have online banking) from this you should be able to see money leaving and will match his story, or not. Although I can't see why he would lie about speaking to the police? After speaking to DH tonight why don't you get in touch with OW. Tell your DH that you will be doing this, if he has anything to hide you will know from the reaction