DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

[TheCunnyFunt]

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

What are you going to do now cunny?

It is interesting that the exBF is almost volunteering to get the messages back (so nothing for her to hide):

I don't know if I can get them back do you?

Perhaps Cunny would like to send the links that PocketSaviour left for the OP to retrieve the messages on her DH's phone:

Instructions for Android
Instructions for iPhone

I would tell him that you've found a way to retrieve all messages and ask him for his phone. The look on his face will tell you all you need to know.

This will be the point where he confesses a little bit more.

They are both liars. They are both minimising to cover their own arse, and second-third guessing what you might already know.

Definitely retreive these messages from the phone providor as a matter of urgency.

DH didn't say why he deleted them, and he only made the decision to go to the police last sunday when he told me. He also said 'I've deleted all the messages though, apart from these from the last week. Do you think they'll be able to get them back? They should be able to shouldn't they?' I'll have to tell him I may have found a way.

neither story is smelling of roses. good luck cunny, i hope you get to the truth.

"I'll have to tell him I may have found a way."

Nooo! Don't tell him. Just get hold of the phone and recover the messages when he's out, busy or sleeping. It might be "snooping" but he's not trustworthy and you deserve to know the truth. You can tell him you've recovered the messages after you've done it and read them.

What Emma said

Just read the whole thread. Don't bother trying to retrieve messages just run!
What a crock of shit your dh is feeding you.
Get some self respect OP.

Funny how he managed to delete all the messages apart from the ones he can use as evidence that she says you should know.

Very convenient for him.

Her messages to you don't come over as someone who has been blackmailing. Not that I would have a clue what they were like.

I would see if it were possible for her to retrieve them.

I have in fact seen emails from a man who was blackmailing someone else ( not me ) . They were nothing like these texts you got. They were full of righteous indignation :

How DARE anyone suggest that it was blackmail , they were deeply hurt , the money was a genuine gift / loan , they were reluctant to take it but the other person insisted , how could ANYONE thing such a thing about a wonderful person such as them, after all they had done for the other party, they were completely distraught at the allegation etc etc

Also they were VERY clear about all the dates, what had happened and when. More more so than the " victim "

I suspect you have to be very smart and organised to be a blackmailer , and your ex friend sounds neither tBH. Unless she's faking of course .

( I know this is based on my total experience of one case BTW )

This stinks worse than a badger's arse!
They are both clearly 'embelishing' the true facts but I must say I'm leaning towards bf to be closer to the truth. I feel your DH is lying through his arse. There is NO WAY ON THIS EARTH that a young lad who mistakenly strayed once or twice 'while you were on a break' would have let this snowball to the catastrophe that it is today for you. He's either lying or incredibly stupid thinking that you might believe him.
All the deleted texts too ...... how convenient.
I'd wipe the floor with him. Tell him you've heard different versions so time to come clean. Either that or take the phone (I'd say you have every right) and recover the deleted texts. Your truth will be revealed.

^" So you've seen texts from her to him that say -
'Just give me the 700 and I'll find a house that doesn't need a guarantor or I'll tell Cunny everything.'
'Have you got my money or have you told her yet?'
'You've got until 1pm or I'm going to tell Cunny AND her mum everything.'

I don't see how those messages can NOT be blackmail.

The sex took place when he was 17-18, she was 16-17 and you were 15-16, possibly when you and DP were temporarily not going out with each other. So he wasn't actually cheating as he wasn't actually your boyfriend at that precise time. Assuming you were actually broken up at that point.

See, I could see a 17-18 year old boy totally panicking that she would tell you about it when you got back together, and paying up. 18 is young enough to not be able to see beyond 5 minutes, the long-term consequences. It's a point in life when sticking your head in the sand seems sensible. And I can see that she could have been jealous of your happy stable family life, even though you and your mum welcomed her in to it. It's a very human reaction .

OP, you've said that her version makes more sense. But look at what you wrote before - "I'm reluctant to contact her. I know her very very well and I know that she'll be furious now her money has stopped. As revenge she'll make things up, she'll make it sound even worse than it already is. She'd tell me all this in a very caring tone and say she's sorry it ever happened and it never meant to go this far and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but I should know that... "

Could anything hurt you more than the idea that he has been pursuing her all these years? I doubt it. So could her coherent story be her revenge for 'her' money stopping?

OP, if to you her story is more believable than his and you want to disregard your exBF from this then it brings you back to your feelings about DH.

From the way I read it (with your take on the believability)

He slept with her whilst you were on a break, just the once.
He has lied and said it was more often
He claims to have given a significant amount of money away
Your exBF thinks he is untrustworthy and you seem to agree

Why on earth would he land himself in bigger trouble by embellishing unless there was something even bigger to hide?

It comes down to trust. Do you trust him? Do you want to live a life with him? How do you feel about anything he claims?

To be honest, I can almost believe that he has been pursuing her. I was never popular with the boys, BF was, she was practically beating them off with a stick. Boys used to use me to get closer to her. DH even asked her out several times before he asked me. I guess I was so delighted that a 17yo seemed interested in me when I was just 15 I didn't particularly mind that I was second best.

I know exBF, I've always been able to read her like a book, even over texts/emails, as well as knowing how manipulative and bendy with the truth she can be, I also know when she's being genuine. I do believe that she is being genuine and truthful now. She's had enough bullshit off DH, she's having a baby and she has high risk pregnancies. With both her previous children she was in hospital for weeks before birth with pre-eclampsia. She won't be making stuff up now.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for her but I'm not.

I trust your gut instinct, OP, and I think you should trust it too.

What are you going to do now? Next stop solicitors? I think that's what I'd be doing - if not to get the ball rolling with divorce, at least to find out where I stand and what the next steps would be.

I would trust your gut too.
He seems to have covered his back now by this blackmail game.
Can I say this thinking she is some sort of mental woman seems to be a bit off. Maybe she had a shit life and never dealt with her issues.
Like a lot of woman they get caught up with abusive men and don't work out why things are the way they are for many years.
And you think you know someone over the years going by your now husband it was all a lie. And you don't know your friend you are only going by what you have seen.
She had nothing to lose with you only your husband did.
Get his phone and then figure out what you will do from here.

I agree with WhereYouLeftIt. You have seen texts that say

'Just give me the 700 and I'll find a house that doesn't need a guarantor or I'll tell Cunny everything.'

'Have you got my money or have you told her yet?'

'You've got until 1pm or I'm going to tell Cunny AND her mum everything.'

The first two don't support her theory that all she threatened was to tell you that he had been pursuing her all these years.

She's also had several days to put together a story that she could deliver calmly (and in a way you wouldn't expect, i.e. without over dramatising) and credibly.

But his story doesn't sound credible either, particularly her managing to blackmail him whilst in a highly controlling relationship.

Sent exBF the android link and she's going to try and retrieve the messages on her phone tomorrow.

And when she says "Oh it wasn't possible, sorry" what will you do?

Won't she be able to edit the messages she recovers though?

I imagine she'd just screenshot them.