How can he not see? :(

[Chugpower89]

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

Why are you concerned what he thinks? Genuine q. He has fucked you over.

It soesn't actually matter. You ask CMS
.they will inform him what he is exoected to.pay and ask him if he wants to pay by direct pay (you make an arrangement between you).
The alternative is they take it from his pay and charge him for doing so.

So it's not like he has a choice.

If you want to offer him a choice say "you have until next week to arrange to.pay x amount (as given by calculator) or more if you wish. This will save us bith the hassle of going to CMS.

But don't leave it too long. 1) the CMS are going to start charging RPs to claim soon. 2) they only backdate to the date you contact them and they take aaaaages.

Stay strong.

Also set up some contact arrangements asap. It might not seem it but it is actually best for everyone. It gices your dd consistency and structure and lets you know where you stand....and the freetime is nice too.

I think Chug is clinging to the idea of being amicable, i.e. the convo might go like this:

Chug: You should pay me [x] according to the CMS calculator
Twat: Oh really? That surprises me as I thought zero was a legitimate amount of money to be paying towards my daughter. Now you have told me I will immediately pay up.

She (quite rightly) suspects that if the CMS get in touch with him out of the blue he will conveniently throw back at her the fact that if she had come to him directly they could have sorted it all out amicably, he is outraged that she has got the CMS on his case and so he refuses to pay anything. Or in other words, continues to pay nothing.

However, scenario one won't happen, because he will make up some bullshit about how you have caused the relationship to break down (or deny that it has broken down) and therefore he owes you nothing. The law says differently. You need to use a formal mechanism to make this clear.

Haha springydaffs, I didnt say the response bit to him, I was referring to my earlier post where I'd said 'im not even going to dignify that with a response'

Yes tribpot that is what I'm thinking. I know the likelihood of that conversation happening is slim (although I must say, it did give me a little chuckle).. BUT I know that if I don't then it will be thrown in my face that I didn't give him a chance, even though if I had it probably wouldn't have worked. If I just go straight in with CMS then he will always have that over me and I will never be able to say that he gave me no choice. If I ask him and he says no, then I can say that.

You cannot get through the next 17 years of your relationship with this man thinking 'if I do [x] he will always have that over me'. You've broken up with him. You do what is best for you, without reference to him and how he may view it or use it or what he may say to people. He has had every day since your dd was born to pay towards her, he has chosen not to.

Ah sorry

This morning you said you had told him. Are you now thinking maybe he didn't take it in? In other words, even if you give him a chance to pay, even if you dot every i and cross every t, do you already realise that he could quite likely say you did it wrong regardless?

But he doesnt get a choice as to how much he pays, or IF he pays. CMS will give him a choice about HOW he pays, exactly the same as he would have had, but the clock will start ticking, so if he decides not to pay he will start accruing arrears.

He has had plenty of time to pay up. A years worth of time to contribute to the baby. Has he paid up? No. So the evidence swings firmly on the side that he doesnt really think he needs to.

He can throw as much as he likes in your face. In fact he probably will. Might as well be this as something else. There is no 'having something over you' It is a sensible way for him to see that you havent taken some arbitary figure plucked out of the air, that he can gripe and wrangle about. Keeps the money situation dealt with simply by someone else - they can deal with him if he doesnt pay. He knows you are not screwing him over demanding more than is fair.

Why do either of you persist with this relationship?

There has been no mention if love, desire to build a future together, shared values, commitment. It all seems to be about two very separate people who have very little that us shared except a child that he seems to have no commitment to. If you have a child whom you love, you contribute to their life- financially, emotionally, supportively.

He doesn't. He's not that bothered.

I think you draw a line under all of it, move on to something better in life. You deserv someone 100x. better than a man who isn't much bothered at best.

My DH would go without anything rather than DS or I suffer. I am a bit staggered by your dp's lack of commitment to you both. His child, his responsibility. He sounds pathetic and self- centred.

Stop worrying about what he or his family will think!

If he was any kind of a decent human being he'd have been giving you a decent amount of money toward his daughters care. He hasn't! He's had his chance!

Cms do take ages, and they only calculate from the day you make the claim, make that today!

Oliversmumsarmy it's only the NRP's income that is used for calculation. Not a new partner or wife.

Op to pm tap on the 3 dots on the bottom right of someone's post. One of the options is pm. When they reply a red for appears alongside the head n shoulders icon at top right of your screen. Tap there to read and reply. You may also get an email to the account you have Mn set up with.

Definitely call cms today

Right..give him the chance then.

Text or email him right now telling him how much you expect him to pay. Obviously you would rather sort this out between you in the best ibtetests of your DD rather than go the official route. However, you will require an answer by next Monday or, regretfully CMS it is.
You cannot keep paying for his DD alone and the sooner it is sorted the better sge will be provided for.

Don't keep putting it off.

Did you phone?