Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

How can he not see? :(

189 replies

Chugpower89 · 28/11/2015 20:10

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

OP posts:

alicemalice · 28/11/2015 21:17

He sounds awful!

alicemalice · 28/11/2015 21:18

And sorry to say this, but you're letting him walk all over you.

tribpot · 28/11/2015 21:20

He does love his daughter when he sees her but just doesn't seem to have time for her

That's not love.

BathtimeFunkster · 28/11/2015 21:20

34???!!!!!

Fuck me, I thought he was about 19 and I still thought he was a twat.

Thirty fucking four?

What a waste of skin.

Fairenuff · 28/11/2015 21:27

You have separated, of course he isn't going to get a joint mortgage with you. You need professional legal advice to get child maintenance and visitation set up.

derxa · 28/11/2015 21:31

This is awful

RandomMess · 28/11/2015 21:40

What an absolute man child he is.

Tell him the CMS amount he owes you and tell him if he doesn't set up a weekly Direct Debit to you then you will be going to the CMS. Ask him what FIXED contact arrangements he would like.

He is telling you repeatedly that he will ever treat you as an equal, and your contribution to the partnership is valueless

FellOutOfBedTwice · 28/11/2015 21:41

Another one saying get the CMS onto him. He's taking the absolute piss.

ouryve · 28/11/2015 21:42

To coin a (deservedly) popular phrase on Mumsnet, he is telling you loud and clear who he is.

He has no intention of settling down with you as a family. As a PP said, you need to face up to the realisation that you are a single parent and go for maintenance from him. He'll pull a pet lip and be cross that you dare have the brass neck to claim any money off him for his own DD, but, tough shit. While you can't expect any money off him for yourself, your DD deserves for her own father to at least see she doesn't want for anything material and there are official ways and means of enforcing that.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/11/2015 21:43

I have never earned anything like Dp but there is no question of me not being jointly on the mortgage or deeds.

At 34 if he can't get his act together now he has a child and is only now thinking of saving for a mortgage he is leaving it to the last minutes, or just making excuses to get rid of you. Surely he is going to have to pay up to his dsis. She I doubt is going to feed, clean, do his laundry and provide a heated house for free.

Your dd is not an expense he can contribute to when he has saved enough her expenses are here, now and ongoing.

Waiting around is not going to change him. Start claiming for your dd and move on.

pinkyredrose · 28/11/2015 21:43

Did he want the baby? Because he certainly doesn't seem to want anything to do with her or with you either. He sounds a total wanker actually, I think you and your DC would be much better off on your own

Baconyum · 29/11/2015 00:07

Stand up for your dd. SHE deserves her father to contribute to her upbringing. Sadly I don't see him being in her life much longer. You need to prepare yourself for that. And find your anger he is treating you both appallingly! What on earth do your parents think about him?

Epilepsyhelp · 29/11/2015 00:12

You don't need professional legal advice, that's expensive and not yet necessary. Use the maintenance calculator online and let him know what he owes, if he doesn't agree to start paying from month one then let the CMS know.

Don't waste any more of your time on this dickhead.

KeepOnMoving1 · 29/11/2015 00:12

So he has clearly let you know the type of person he is throughout your relationship and you still Went ahead with him?
He's already moved on, best you starting claiming CM already as he clearly is not interested in having a family. At 34 he isn't going to change.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 29/11/2015 00:26

Well in a way he's right. You'd be bound sooner or later to see him for a poor excuse for a man and leave him. So he knows that and is 'protecting' himself against his own twattery.
Give him up as a bad job. Don't deny him access but don't fall over yourself to make it happen. Do make sure he supports his child. He's thinking a mortgage is a big thing? Having a child is way bigger.
The sooner you see him for what he is, the sooner you can crack on with the rest of your life. Live well.

Friendlystories · 29/11/2015 01:28

Sounds to me like he's offering you the absolute bare minimum of himself and his time in order to keep you dangling so he doesn't have to deal with separate access or maintenance for his child. The arrangement he has now suits him, he gets away with making no effort and no provision for your DD by paying lip service to being 'in a relationship' with you. In your position I would take great pleasure in being the one to end it (and telling him you and DD deserve way, way more than he's capable of giving) and blowing his convenient little set up to kingdom come. As other posters have said its time to find your anger and stop settling for the crumbs he's offering you and his child, you're patently more than capable of managing on your own and may well find it even easier without his head games.

aWowChristmasGuna · 29/11/2015 03:45

he knows exactly what he's doing. he's ringfencing his own assets (the house he's going to buy) but he'll have no objection to you feathering his nest I presume, ie, bringing in another income and washing, cleaning cooking etc....

That is a situation which suits him perfectly. It doesn't suit you at all. He is taking you are giving. ALL of the sacrifices are yours. NONE of the sacrifices are his.

Please leave him and start to feather your own nest.

aWowChristmasGuna · 29/11/2015 03:46

ps, I agree with fern, he is just making you believe that officially there is still a relationship so that you don't pursue maintenance. sorry.

Ledkr · 29/11/2015 08:48

Just wanted to say congratulations on seeing through this idiot and having the chance to restart your life.
Your future alone is much much brighter than if you stayed with him.
You can do anything you want to.
How exciting.

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 08:53

Thanks everyone, I think you're right. I do manage to find my anger when it comes to arguing about it but just can never quite find enough to tell him where to stick it when push comes to shove. Kind of wish he would leave me because I feel like if I leave I'll always wonder 'what if'...I hate it!

I've heard from him apologising for upsetting me today and saying 'maybe I should not have mentioned my plans since I hadn't really thought into them enough.' i asked him how he could not have thought about it considering its the main reason we are living apart, and that we were supposed to be moving back in in 3/4 months which is when he would be going to live with his sister. I said did you really think that you could just go and live with your sister while I bring up our daughter by myself and live alone with her/share a room with her? And then youd have a mortgage and an asset and I would just come and live there and have nothing? He did not reply.

As mentioned, we have had the joint mortgage argument before and I said he can't seriously expect me to live in a house that I have no rights to, because what happens in 10 years time if we split up. Am I just out and homeless with no asset of my own? He suggested I look into buying something and renting it out! Then when I flipped he said 'we would see when the time comes'. The time has now come (sort of) and he is still saying we will see.

Grrrrrrrr

OP posts:

alicemalice · 29/11/2015 09:03

He sounds like he wants to ring fence his deposit which I understand. You can draw up an agreement so he would get that money back if you split. You then still have both your names on the mortgage and contribute to ongoing repayments.

But what is much more worrying is why he only comes to see you both once a week. What's that all about? So bizarre. He sounds like he's already left this relationship mentally.

Spy007 · 29/11/2015 09:06

He. Will see that you're not on the mortgage he means

tribpot · 29/11/2015 09:08

Kind of wish he would leave me

Er, not sure on what basis you think he hasn't already. Let me guess, you're still sleeping together?

tipsytrifle · 29/11/2015 09:09

The time has come for you to wake up. This relationship is imaginary. Simple as that. You're independent, seem to have him in your life much as one has a toothbrush. Useful a couple of times a day but not what you'd save in a fire or miss if you left it somewhere else. Time to move on fully and freely?

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 09:09

I've mentioned that Alice, my mum works in a company that does mortgage so she mentioned it to me and I've told him but it's not enough. Also, I would understand if the deposit was something he'd had stashed since before we met, or his mum or someone had given it him, but he wants me to stay on my own with my daughter while he goes to live with his sister to save it. It just feels a bit like I would be allowing him to save it by staying here for another year and a half, or by claiming hb and going to live on my own. So surely I should have a part in what he's saved? I may not have much money to contribute to it but if I wasn't here with his daughter, he wouldn't be able to save it.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8