How can he not see? :(

[Chugpower89]

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

He is not the voice of reason. He's the voice of a bell end!

So what if your baby wasn't planned, she's here now and if you aren't going to be together as a family then you are separate people with joint responsibility for a child and he needs to step up/pay up.

Honestly? Who cares what his family think, he's their relative and is being utterly feckless. Also, you had nice times with them but his mum is saying she doesn't want her money used to house you and her grandchild??

Er, that isn't someone who cares for you.

Now I do feel like I'm talking to my daughter:

What they think doesn't matter you have to do what's right for you and dd! That's a vital lesson and skill in being a mother. There will always be people who disagree with your parenting style. Providing you don't abuse or neglect dd none of their business!

I note he didn't exactly say 'the money will be in your account by tomorrow' which is what he SHOULD have said and done!

He is infuriating. He is genuinely starting to make me believe that I am wrong. He is making me feel like a child, telling me that it wouldn't be 'sensible' for us to pool our incomes because 'we havent been together long enough' and that 'most families' who work like that have better relationships than us and their babies are planned.

just to put this into perspective, DP and I have been together just under 5 years, I'm 26 weeks pregnant with a planned(ish) baby (as in we had said we will wait another year but it happened a bit quicker)

We have a joint account for the house and a joint mortgage for the last 1.5 years, yes 'most families' who work like that have better relationships than us because most families have a mutual respect for each other and understand the needs of their child.

He doesn't want to tell you it's over because the more you chase after him and hold onto it the less you'll ask of him in maintenance (as has been proven by the last few months)
I'm sorry, but you HAVE left him, you need to accept that.

And seriously, the rose tinted glasses need taking off. So what if you had nice days out with his mum? Now you can have nice days out and make memories with YOUR daughter, the priority in your life.

no one plans to become a single parent, but your daughter will prefer that to watching you become a shell of yourself and lose your self respect to a controlling man who walks all over you.

If he is living with his sister and not paying her anything would the CM include her pay as well or is that just for live in partners?

Also if he said he was paying his sister money you would then have to make sure she was declaring the money to the IR.

I still think you should get the CMS involved to put it on a more legal footing.

Oh and I didn't earn a penny when I was put on our mortgage application, then mortgage and deeds to the house we live in. Nothing ring fenced no, but I put in more than you. Everything straight down the middle.

t wouldn't be 'sensible' for us to pool our incomes because 'we havent been together long enough'

It wouldn't be sensible to pool your incomes because you're not in a relationship with him. Why are you both going back and forth over the edge of breaking up and not? Is it because you've got scared again because he's hinted at wanting full/some custody of his daughter? You realise that's to reduce his maintenance payments, right?

Just leave it. Nothing needs to be decided today, certainly not by text, which is how I think you're communicating. Get the CMS on him and let him propose a contact schedule. Never mention contact to him again, let him make the running.

He's trundling out one after another defection tactic, and it seems to be working! Again.

OP: call CMS. Do it today. Do it now.

And then come back and tell us how it went, if you like.

In the meantime, the wise women will post links to the abusers script. Because every single thing he's said do far has been laughably predictable. Honestly, if you only knew how stuck to the script he is, you'd laugh and then tear him a new one.

Good to see your anger emerging. Do NOT direct an iota of it at yourself.

Ok so if he will take her anyway and leave her with his sister go the other route and tell him to apply to the court for contact. Every other weekend and one night during the week is generally awarded to a non resident parent and if he asks for more they will take into account the fact that he's had little interest/contact up til now and will want proof his working hours will allow for more if he goes for 50/50 shared care, leaving DD with his sister will not wash and you can raise all these points at mediation and the court will take them account. Apply to CMS for maintenance now, today. Any backlash from his family should simply be answered with 'he isn't providing for his child so has left me no choice', nothing more needs to be said and if they're decent people they will see your point. I understand how you must be feeling but as others have said your job is to stand up for your DD and if his family think badly of you for that it's their thinking which is skewed not yours. He's behaved really badly in not providing for his DD up til now and it probably will come as a bit of a shock to him and his family when you stop letting him but you need to get the idea firmly in your head that you're doing the right thing and stick to it whatever anyone says. This isn't about whether you are nice versus nasty or weak versus strong, it's about doing right by DD and if he won't do that voluntarily it's your job as her mum to make him.

Thanks for the advice,that's what I really needed to hear, that he is wrong and if his family agree with him theyre wrong too, or are not being told the whole story... I know you've all been telling me for 7 pages but it's taken a while to sink in. I've told him how much cms suggest, no doubt he will think it's too much. In which case I shall be straight on the phone to them.

I cannot believe the cheek of this man, he is still pushing for me to move in this house, despite me having told him (something I read on another MN thread) that if LO grows up in his house then that's her home and if we split up and I had to leave,the court would rule in favour of her staying there with him. He is saying 'well I would still let you see her'... Seriously?! Expects me to risk my daughter having to live with him and me having no home or daughter, on the promise that he would let me see her!!!! No thanks!!! I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

PS thankyou for listening to all this ranting, raving, moaning and wobbling. I've been here 4 times now nd always end up letting it go. It is your pushing me to do something about this that has given me the strength to say enough is enough. Thank you

I don't know which thread you read that on but I don't believe it's correct. I cannot imagine why you would tell him something like that even if it was correct! Why not hand him the playbook which will show him best how to manipulate you (and your fears) to his advantage?! He's not on your side, that's the lesson you really need to absorb.

My understanding is that the preference is for the child to remain in their home and to spend the majority of their time with the primary care giver. Of the two I believe the second is regarded as more important than the first.

Stop listening to rumours ring the bloody child support agency and get a solicitor.

I know what it's like to be the kind of person who wants people to think well of you and to not feel very confident in your own decisions, I'm glad you're taking strength from the thread because you are in the right here, you're putting your DD first and he is not. You will, no doubt, have wobbles as you get further down this road as he and his family will probably try to make you feel bad in order to make you bend to do what he wants so keep posting and let us prop you up, it's what MN is best at and lots of us are happy to help. Remember, all he wants is what's best/easiest for him, you're trying to look after your daughter's interests so don't let him knock you off course

Chug, PLEASE stop talking to him. Just STOP.

He will twist everything anyway. He is a major head fuck. I've been thinking posters have been too hard on you but I think we're all so frustrated with this man. He is simply impossible to get hold of - mercurial, I think the word is. He looks the part, says the right (ish) things but there is simply no substance. No matter how you try to pin him down he slip-slides away.

Now he's starting to show his true colours by threatening to take dd. Just STOP TALKING TO HIM. He is not your friend, he is your enemy.

And btw i'd not be wanting lo to spend time with an aunt who has no regard for lo's mother. Really, watch that one, chug.

God, why do you keep talking to him and telling him the strategic information that posters are taking time out of their lives to give you? People are trying to make you aware of your legal rights and other ways to get your child what she needs and you are turning around and handing it to him on a silver platter. What is this desperate need you have to continue communications with this loser?

Get legal and official advice and let the authorities deal with him. And move on with whatever you can do to become more self-sufficient. Every bit of energy you put into this pathological back-and-forth squabbling with this loser is energy you should be spending on improving your child's lot in life.

You are a single parent. And that's not such a bad thing when the other parent is not willing to support his child. You are not going to get through to him because he already understands what the problem is. He just doesn't want to contribute. End of.

Sorry to be blunt, but you need to start thinking like the lone parent that you are. Your life will be a lot less stressful than you imagine.

PS: please please tell me this cockamamie "I'll let you see her when I kick you out of my house, some years down the line " SL mg with the catalogue of misinformation he's been flinging at you was done by email. Because this sort of paper trail is exactly what you need.

Also, it immensely cheers us up that he's such an div. Far better a stupid abuser than a clever one, IMHO.

From now on, communicate only by email, and don't let him reach you otherwise.

Call CMS first thing in the morning! Talk to a solicitor, even just the first free half-hour, or CAB.

Any grandmother worth her salt would want her grandchild to be financially secure. She would want your ex to pay.

I said it in response to him saying I didn't have anything to lose by living in a house that he owns. I wouldn't have said it if I thought he could use it now, we moved house a week or so before I moved out, so neither of us are living in the home she's grown up in so far.

I am not continuing to talk to him. I said I wasn't going to dignify it with a response and I haven't. If he can seriously say that then he is a waste of my time. I have realised how incredibly in the wrong he is and so the only time I will bother to talk to him is where our daughter is concerned.

Preemptive do texts count as paper trail? As that's what it was. But you've just made me realise... when I was first moving out and we were arguing he said that he didn't like us doing it face to face or via text because it meant we said things we didn't mean on impulse. He suggested we email each other. I had my thoughts that it may be for that reason but thought it was just me being over paranoid, but now you've said that I wonder whether I wasn't.

Yes, they do (I worked for family solicitors). Keep everything.

Just to ratchet back from the email paranoia for a moment, I actually prefer emails (and letters), esp for touchy and contentious things, for pretty much the reason twunt stated.

Doesn't mean you can relax about him though.

That said, I really doubt you've said anything to him that will hurt your case.

However, going forward, you can see why we're all suggesting you talk to a professional or two? CMS and CAB, for instance. You've got to get smart(er) in a hurry. Make a study of this. Pretend you're starting Uni early!

You didn't ask for this situation, it's true. But you can come away from it thriving. And wise.

PM me if you like.

Thank you. I don't really know where to start when it comes to things like this! I'm hoping it can be 'amicable' (even though it doesn't seem to be going that way right now) but you are right and it would be a really good idea to get a jist of my rights so I know I'm not spouting a load of rubbish that would have me laughed out of court! I have no idea how to PM though haha. I literally just started using MN! I'll need to figure that out

Nothing about this entire thing has been amicable. It isn't going to change now that you're breaking free of him.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be amicable. But absolutely do not let that be your guiding principle from here on in. It's too easy to segue right into getting cheated and used and your DD losing out. You have all the evidence you need, and then some, that this guy is not going to step up unless he's forced to.

Protecting your lively DD is your priority. That's why we're being so vehement about you counting the authorities who can help. They know what they're doing.

If I were to call CMS, would he need to know I have? Not because I don't want to go ahead, but I'd like to basically put all the facts to him of what he needs to be paying and get a yes/no answer from him before I have them get in touch. I know the likelihood is he isn't going to turn around and suddenly be nice and give me everything - however at the same time if they just get straight in touch with him he will just say ive done it without giving him a chance, if you get what I'm saying?

Wow. Turns out you weren't being paranoid re his insistence on emailing. I'm beginning to find this bloke quite chilling, actually.

No matter, use email to tie a noose around his neck for your benefit from now on.

Btw 'I won't dignify that with a response' is, actually, a response! He really is not your friend, he is your active enemy. I hope you get that. So comms need to be closer to businesslike, not pally. He is not your friend. Xx