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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can he not see? :(

189 replies

Chugpower89 · 28/11/2015 20:10

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/11/2015 19:28

I am puzzled as to why you thought you were "in a relationship" with this man

My advice to you is get the child maintenance payments and the contact set up (without you there) while you get on with the rest of your life

This bloke is a non starter, and always was

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/11/2015 19:34

I do hope you send Cabrinha's text.

I would also ask if he wants to give you the back dated CM as a lump sum or in installments.

AyeAmarok · 29/11/2015 19:55

That was a good reply OP.

Straight to the CMS tomorrow though, you owe your DD that.

lorelei9 · 29/11/2015 20:33

OP, stop having mortgage conversations - whatever conversation he starts now is pretty much irrelevant. You need to get maintenance sorted and a schedule for him to see her so you know when you have your free time.

tipsytrifle · 29/11/2015 23:57

Have you really listened to his many "we'll see" messages that sound like when someone's trying to say "No" but is too weak to actually say it?

This man is not going to support you in any way whatsoever and you fantasising/steamrollering on as if it was just a matter of tweaking a few issues is extreme denial. Obviously this is just my opinion from what you've said.

I'd like to think he cares about you both. I'd like to think he's a decent person. BUT he's totally shown you that commitment and unity is not on the table. There's nothing of free will or Love to be negotiated here. Getting your business head on would be a better option. I wouldn't waste time, hope, love or life on this, but I'm not you.

springydaffs · 30/11/2015 00:44

I'm completely baffled you think this is a relationship. It completely isn't and never has been. He is not at all interested in you or your daughter, the latter a kind of vague way, probably to throw you off track. He has no intention of being in a relationship with you. He has clearly 'ended it' but it didn't exist in the first place.

What a headfuck he is. Op, get the ball rolling for maintenance. The more you talk to him the more he'll mess with your head. Your choice.

springydaffs · 30/11/2015 00:48

You know you wish he'd end it? He's hoping the same. Except he's expecting you to just fade away.

He going to get a surprise for the next 18 years.

Isetan · 30/11/2015 02:15

FFS! You're not in a relationship with this man and you've always been a single parent, so stop engaging with his efforts to distract you from this fact. Tell him ,he either enters into a voluntary maintenance agreement or you'll go to the CMS. In addition, it isn't fair on your child to let her father treat her as an option, formalise contact by drawing up a contact agreement.

I have no idea why you've let yourself be played by this feckless prick but for your daughter's sake, it needs to stop.

Detach, detach, detach!

sotiredofthis1 · 30/11/2015 06:58

Well in a way he's right. You'd be bound sooner or later to see him for a poor excuse for a man and leave him. So he knows that and is 'protecting' himself against his own twattery.
Give him up as a bad job. Don't deny him access but don't fall over yourself to make it happen. Do make sure he supports his child. He's thinking a mortgage is a big thing? Having a child is way bigger.
The sooner you see him for what he is, the sooner you can crack on with the rest of your life. Live well.

I thought this post was brilliant!

OP look at it this way. You are 25 and have so much time to live life and set it up exactly as you want it.

Arrange the maintenance money from him and then forget about him and build your own life. Look to building your own career and buying your own house. Just yours - created by you only.

I wish you all the best as well as a loving relationship (with someone else!) but I would hang on to your financial independence (that you will build) because it's worth a lot!

I would use this time at your parents' house as a safe haven / good place to be while you start building your future.

sotiredofthis1 · 30/11/2015 07:01

Well in a way he's right. You'd be bound sooner or later to see him for a poor excuse for a man and leave him. So he knows that and is 'protecting' himself against his own twattery.
Give him up as a bad job. Don't deny him access but don't fall over yourself to make it happen. Do make sure he supports his child. He's thinking a mortgage is a big thing? Having a child is way bigger.
The sooner you see him for what he is, the sooner you can crack on with the rest of your life. Live well.

Sorry, this post was meant to be highlighted.

Sansoora · 30/11/2015 07:06

You're already a single parent and he needs to start paying maintenance.

This

You and this bloke have already broken up - you just haven't said it out loud to each other. Please stop with all the pussyfooting around this bloke and his plans and your rebuilding of things because what you need to be doing is getting yourself sorted out benefits and accommodation wise - not that living with your mum and dad is a bad thing if you all get on.

Ladyflip · 30/11/2015 07:25

We have a long held view in our family that "we'll see" means "No, but I don't want to tell you that yet". If every time you hear "We'll see" you mentally replace it with "No. But I don't want to tell you that yet", you will understand his real intentions towards you more clearly.

Don't facilitate him saving to benefit only himself by foregoing maintenance for your daughter.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/11/2015 07:27

Are you claiming the benefits you are entitled to as a lone parent?

You need to stop wasting energy on plans for the future with him, it's not happening. So get your finances in order, and that includes informing him how much maintenance you expect (and applying through the CMS if he doesn't hand it over willingly) and save to move into a nice little place just for you and your daughter. The next step in your life starts now.

Inertia · 30/11/2015 07:55

It's time to stop fighting for the future you hoped for, and start fighting for your child's rights in real life.

This man never saw you as his life partner and co-parent, you were simply there to oil the wheels of his lifestyle while he got to accumulate money and property.

You really do need to get into single parent mode - get straight onto claiming child maintenance, claim your benefit entitlement as a single parent, look into housing. Any attempt to forge a family with this man will just prolong the heartache.

Fairenuff · 30/11/2015 08:26

I don't understand your threats to 'leave' him. You have already left haven't you?

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 08:59

I do agree with you all in terms of this isn't a relationship now and that he's never seen me as a life partner etc. But we have been together for 5 years and lived together for 15 months. I only say that because I've just noticed a lot of people saying it never has been a relationship so just wanted to get that out there that I haven't just invented this relationship! Haha. However I do agree that since he has never been very sharing with his money in that time he has never been fully committed to being 'partners'.

I still haven't had a reply. I know people think I should just send a message saying what's happening, and for any normal person that would be the right thing to do, but I guess I find that hard, especially with him simply not replying to me when he doesn't like what I've got to say. I have this image of me telling him this and then him showing people my messages and twisting it, so I'd rather say it when we are actually in a conversation. I know that sounds silly and you all probably think I'm pathetic, but it's just the way I feel. It partly stems from him telling me his sister is completely in agreement with him and thinks I'm being unfair and I should be grateful he pays the rent. I know he spends a lot of time with his sister and I worry she is reading everything that I say.

I have already claimed tax credits and am in the process of sorting out help with nursery from my college, so I'm getting there. Just the maintenance from him left really!

Thanks everyone. I have sometimes wondered whether maybe I am being unfair and it is his money - it's good to see not one person thinks that! (except his sister)

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 30/11/2015 09:05

Sorry OP Flowers

Honestly you should just be sending a text as suggested by a pp saying 'this relationship is over. child maintenance is x and you owe me the first payment from x date, via standing order'. Or something along those lines.

I don't think you're silly or pathetic, I think you've been treated very badly for a long time by an utter tit, and that takes its toll on one's judgement.

maybebabybee · 30/11/2015 09:06

Oh and of course he's saying his sister agrees with him. Highly likely that's a total lie, but if it is true she's as much of a moron as he is and her opinion is of no use or value whatsoever. I adore my brother and if he was behaving like this I'd be completely and utterly ashamed of him, and would tell him so in no uncertain terms.

tipsytrifle · 30/11/2015 09:12

I think what people are saying if that for 5yrs or more you think you've been in a relationship. For 5yrs or more he has not at all been thinking he's in a relationship. I hope you can move on and start talking as if he's an ex rather than a current partner, because that's the reality of it.

I don't think there's anything to discuss/arrange with him other than paying towards his and your child and contact arrangements.

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 09:13

I too would be very sceptical of what the sister is supposedly saying especially if she's a mother. If she is then she's a bitch, wrong and it's none of her business anyway!

Seriously op get a grip for your daughters sake. I asked in a pp what your parents think of all this. Seeing as they seem to be supporting you and your dd.

If I were your mother I'd be furious with him and incredibly frustrated with and for you!

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 09:17

They are but I think they are trying to mask it as they don't want to be a single mother. Every time we argue or he says something about money they want to have a word with him and they get frustrated. But they don't talk in a bad way any other time, not sure whether that's to do with them just wanting to let me make my own decision.

His sister is a single, extremely well of businesswoman at the top of her ranks. She doesn't have kids so I wouldnt be surprised if she was supportive of this Sad

OP posts:
lunar1 · 30/11/2015 09:20

Why would you be great full for him paying rent in a house you don't live in?

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 09:23

Sorry, should've mentioned that was said when we fell out over money and still lived together. But it has been said since that she thinks I've abandoned him by leaving, so I'm guessing it still applies.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 30/11/2015 09:32

chug your SIL sounds as much of a nasty piece of work as your useless DP.

Honestly, I totally understand your not being able to pull yourself together (that is entirely down to him) but at some point you will need to give yourself a gentle talking to Flowers

CharlotteCollins · 30/11/2015 09:48

I understand your not wanting to let him twist your words, but the reality is you can't stop him. Better to stop caring what they think. Fake it till you make it is a useful principle for that!

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