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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can he not see? :(

189 replies

Chugpower89 · 28/11/2015 20:10

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 29/11/2015 09:10

He sounds like he wants to ring fence his deposit which I understand.

Shock

This "deposit" will be basically be made up of the money he has not paid for his own child since she was born.

It's not his to "ringfence".

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 09:12

You are all right. I just mean the actual relationship status I guess. Every time we argue and I tell him I'm leaving, he suddenly does a u turn and changes everything. Comes up with plans etc to make things worse. Then I feel like the bad guy for saying it's over.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 29/11/2015 09:13

He has left you, he just hasn't said the words out loud.

Stop sleeping with him and stop discussing a future with him - there isn't one.

Go to the CMS and get your money sorted.

Stop texting and calling and trying to cajole him into seeing his own child. See how much effort he puts in himself without having his arm bent up his back.

Time to wake up. This man is not your future.

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 09:15

Drgoogle

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 29/11/2015 09:16

OP do yourself and your child s favour and get rid. He sounds like a shit dad and a shit partner.

Arrange maintenance through the CMS, he's getting away with it all because you're letting him, you have nothing to feel bad about! He on the hand...

Seriously do it, probably be one of the best things you do.

Ledkr · 29/11/2015 09:17

Why don't you tell him that you are also planning to save for a mortgage so he will be required to take care of your dd or pay for nursery, while you work full time to save for a deposit.

That is basically what he is doing to you!

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 09:17

I can't get my head around this prematurely pressing send! Sorry!

Dr Google, we aren't sleeping together. Can't bear to go near him in that way right now. And since we barely see each other.. Also I don't bend over backwards to make sure he sees her, don't worry about that! The once a week is because he initiates it. Although he does pick her up twice a week and bring her home when his mum has her - but she starts nursery in 2 weeks so will be interesting to see if he wants to see more of her when he doesn't pick her up.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 29/11/2015 09:19

It's simple, text him back saying it's over. Then get on the online CMS calculator and text him telling him what his monthly repayments are and make sure they start immediately. Switch off your phone.

tribpot · 29/11/2015 09:49

So it seems like he's stringing you along just enough to prevent it being obvious to you the relationship is over and you should go to the CMS. The simple fact is that he is paying nothing towards his child. For that reason the choice is simple: CMS. What he chooses to do as a result is up to him.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/11/2015 10:26

God save us all from dithering, wimpy, indecisive and irresponsible men.

Baconyum · 29/11/2015 12:32

Sheba agreed too bloody many of them plus the pure shits! Was just discussing with a friend last night. I'm 43 have lots of friends and know a lot of people can count on one hand the decent husbands/fathers I know! The rest lie, cheat, won't pay for their kids, don't have stable influence in their kids lives...

And 2 of them were single dad's!

Op seriously bin! He is not worthy of your time or attention. Also agree you don't love/think of your own child only when you deign to see them!

Baconyum · 29/11/2015 12:32

2 of the good ones were single dad's just to be clear.

willconcern · 29/11/2015 12:38

He sounds awful. Please leave him.

His FIRST bill to pay will be maintenance for your daughter. Any other bills come after that - this is a legal obligation, not simply a moral question for his conscience. Talk to the child maintenance service.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/11/2015 13:09

What a good job you were able to move back in with your parents.

He's told me he will help out when he's not got any bills to pay

Like that's likely to happen. He's not so much dragging his feet as making a desperate retreat. I have heard of better provision made for a jointly bought pet following a split than his interest in the child you had together.

lazymoz · 29/11/2015 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 29/11/2015 13:54

I wonder what the situation would be if you had a bigger salary than him...

heckythump01 · 29/11/2015 14:07

you seriously want to live with this man????? Please start making your own plans without him...........he has no interest in supporting you or your child!!!!! Please dont move back in with this man ever. Really hope you find happiness soon (without him) Good luck Flowers

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/11/2015 16:01

I would actually respect him far more if he just said to the OP, "I'm sorry, I'm not happy, this isn't working. I will be leaving and I'll pay maintenance for our child, and let's discuss contact and custody arrangements."

It's just...what is with these weak, dithery men who don't know what they want, can't make a decision, want to spend a year thinking about it, maybe live here, maybe live there, maybe have a relationship, maybe not, might pay up for their own kids if they ever have a month with no other outgoings, 'we'll see', 'hadn't thought about that', etc etc etc? Quite apart from being useless wastes of skin, they're just so horribly unattractive.

lorelei9 · 29/11/2015 17:34

Sheba - it isn't god who will save anyone from these men, individuals are going to have to save themselves - with help from friends and MN!

also I don't believe it's dithering, I think they're just living as suits them and pretending they don't have a child. Complete arses.

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 18:53

He has finally come back with 'well I just dont think anyone would give you a mortgage with you being a student that's all'

He is probably right...and if he'd said it as soon as I'd asked would I be on the mortgage then maybe id have accepted it.. But 24 hours later he comes back with that reason?! I don't think so.

Told him I'm sick to death of it and then quoted you ledker (hope you don't mind) and said if he thinks that's fair then I'd quite like him to find somewhere for him and LO to live, change jobs so he can fit around my schedule/pay for nursery, pay for everything LO needs because I'm going to be at my parents saving for a mortgage - but he won't be on it because it's my money not his.

Once again, he hasn't replied.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 29/11/2015 18:58

Do women no longer discuss these things with their men BEFORE choosing to bear the children of said men?

I'm truly perplexed at the low level of self-preservation instinct so many women today have, not to mention lookout for their offspring. The time to nail down financial goals and responsibilities is BEFORE one has a child. Not to mention, to ascertain that the man is truly, deeply and enthusiastically in favor of becoming a father. (And no, I do not subscribe to the "sometimes babies just happen" philosophy. Where there's a will not to, there's a way.)

Good luck, OP.

Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 18:59

Well that's all good, but I missed the bit where you told him the maintenance he is obliged to pay, and the question whether he's going to just set up a DD or whether he prefers you to go through CMS?

All this mortgage talk is irrelevant pie in the sky.

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 29/11/2015 19:02

I would've, had he replied. I was simply responding to the message he sent about that and how ridiculous it was that he was trying to make excuses. It's a bit difficult to start discussing these things when he can't be bothered to reply to my messages as soon as I point out he's wrong.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 29/11/2015 19:11

Well that's your mistake - you're telling, not discussing.

I'd send "we're clearly going nowhere with these mortgage conversations, just as we're clearly going nowhere as a couple. I don't want to date someone who isn't committed to me, so let's not waste time with more mortgage texts. Child maintenance is £x - I prefer a standing order but I don't mind if you want to do it weekly or monthly. First payments in December please."

43percentburnt · 29/11/2015 19:16

Chug, yep a student can get a mortgage providing applicant 1 is earning enough for it to fit on affordability with the lender. Some will treat your child benefit as income, it won't mean much but will lessen the reduction caused by having 2 dependants.

A few lenders allow you on the deeds if you are not on the mortgage. (Not many but a few).

He is talking shit. He is keeping you sweet so you don't ask for maintenance.

Call cms tomorrow, pay your £20, let them find out his EXACT earnings and sort out the agreement. Don't base it on what you think he earns because he is full of shit and he won't mention overtime, bonus etc. If you don't need the money, fine, bank it every month and when you work full time, you have a deposit!

You deserve far better than this, staying with him is stopping you moving on with your life properly.