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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can he not see? :(

189 replies

Chugpower89 · 28/11/2015 20:10

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

OP posts:

CharlotteCollins · 01/12/2015 07:21

But have you told him what child maintenance he owes (for the past and regular payments from now on)?

P1nkP0ppy · 01/12/2015 07:36

You're effectively a single parent and he's an ass.....
If you're sleeping with him as and when he fancies then he's using you, full stop.

Wake up OP, the writing is clearly on the wall, he's not counting you into anything he's doing, he's effectively moved you out of his life and you need to be sorting out child maintenance asap.

Baconyum · 01/12/2015 07:45

You're upset because you're no longer in denial and are realising the relationship is over and that he doesn't care for you or your child. That's a hard realisation but one that needed to be made!

Find your anger ASAP! Get that cms claim in!

Jollyjogger · 01/12/2015 07:46

Are you going to apply for maintenance?

Goingtobeawesome · 01/12/2015 07:54

Don't be so hard on yourself. You know it is the right thing to leave this failing relationship but it doesn't mean you are not sad for what might have been should he have been the man you thought he was. But you have to get tough now. You share a child. He has to pay for her. End of.

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 09:09

Tell me if I'm reading too much into this, but ive just said that he clearly has little respect for me so I won't be hanging around, and he responded with 'if thats how you feel then that is your choice to make but maybe I need to start spending more time with LO as I miss her'

Is he trying to threaten me here? I don't mind him seeing her, but the context which it was said sounds a bit like 'well fine then you end the relationship but if you do I will be taking her away as much as I can'

OP posts:

mouldycheesefan · 01/12/2015 09:12

Not sure why you chose to have kids with this idiot but that's by the by now.
There is no future in this relationship, move on with your own plans.

mouldycheesefan · 01/12/2015 09:14

He can't b arsed to see the child so I doubt he will be spending much more time with her in future but if you think his access requirements are excessive see a solicitor also start a child support claim. Don't wait for him to realise he is unreasonable that will not ever happen.

RedMapleLeaf · 01/12/2015 09:22

It's probably more a means to reduce the maintenance than threaten you.

Iamthinking · 01/12/2015 09:24

I didn't read it as a threat.

If it were, I think it is a very empty one.

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 09:26

What is a reasonable suggestion? I don't know what's reasonable or not, this is all new to me!

OP posts:

Baconyum · 01/12/2015 09:29

Most contact arrangements are eow or equivalent possibly an extra day in the week.

I think it was a guilt trip/weak attempt at a threat which I don't honestly see him carrying through. Seeing as he barely bothers seeing baby now!

Ignore!

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 09:42

He would follow through with it. On numerous occasions he has implied that he would want full custody if I left. Not actually saying it but things like 'why would she necessarily live with you? Why could she not live with me.

I think he will expect a lot. Id rather this didn't go to court but if it does, I'd like to know that what I'm offering is reasonable. Would every other weekend be reasonable?

OP posts:

mouldycheesefan · 01/12/2015 09:45

Why are you doing the running? It's not for you to make a proposal let him propose something and you decide if it's reasonable or not. He is making all kinds of vague assertions but I very much doubt he wants sole care of a baby every other weekend, he would soon be bored of that.
Bide your time, focus on sorting out your own life, accommodation and financials and leave him to it.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 01/12/2015 09:54

i would suggest half his take home, and ask for it back paid since you left.
He will pretty soon come back with a figure.

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Jackiebrambles · 01/12/2015 10:09

I'd text back and ask what he proposes in terms of seeing her? And say that you'd like a formal arrangement so you can all work around it and she can get used to it.

Friendlystories · 01/12/2015 10:25

I would respond with 'yes that's fine just let me know what suits' and leave the ball in his court re contact. He's proved how far his interest goes by how little he sees her currently so any 'threats' he makes will ultimately come to nothing. This is an exercise in trying to get you back under control where he wants you, it's designed to make you lose your nerve and go back to the way he wants thing to be, nothing more. If there was any chance he wanted 'full custody' or anything close he would have been spending every minute he could with her up til now, even if he initially asks for more time than you're comfortable with it he won't keep it up so don't let him rattle you. Even if he thinks initially that having DD more will save him money he will soon realise the expense of paying for what she needs while he has her will far outweigh any advantage he thought it would give him not to mention the restriction on his time and the effort involved in caring for her. He's already proved he's selfish and disinterested so I doubt he will manage more than the bare minimum (if that) for more than a couple of weeks. Alternatively as resident parent you could tell him no to any contact you're not comfortable with and make him apply to court, again I doubt he's committed enough to spend the time and effort it will take to get court ordered contact but he might push it further that way because he'll feel you've taken his 'control' away so might be more likely to try and prove a point. If you make it look from the outset like you're happy for him to have as much contact as he likes I suspect he'll try and scare you by having her a lot for the first couple of weeks and then the excuses why he can't will start and it will just dwindle to next to nothing so that's the way I would go, call his bluff basically.

MrNoseybonk · 01/12/2015 10:35

'if thats how you feel then that is your choice to make but maybe I need to start spending more time with LO as I miss her'

I dunno about a threat, to me it seems like he's suddenly panicking that he won't be able to see her anymore and is starting to establish access early.

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 10:49

He is infuriating. He is genuinely starting to make me believe that I am wrong. He is making me feel like a child, telling me that it wouldn't be 'sensible' for us to pool our incomes because 'we havent been together long enough' and that 'most families' who work like that have better relationships than us and their babies are planned.

I'm feeling very patronised right now and like I'm the reckless child and he's the sense talking adult. But I just think that if he didn't want to live like a family he shouldn't have asked me to move in. I could've stayed with my parents. We didn't HAVE to live together. I don't know, is he right?

I'm so angry!!!

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Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 10:50

Fern, he would just take her anyway and have her stay with his sister if he didn't want to. He's done it before . I don't think I could risk it!

OP posts:

Baconyum · 01/12/2015 10:54

Finally! Keep that anger!

No way would he attempt to get or be awarded full residency. He's too flaky. Court would see that.

For like the millionth time call cms!

I agree with pp who said he's trying to put you back in your box behaving how he wants sod that!

lorelei9 · 01/12/2015 11:01

for goodness' sake Chug, stop analysing what he says and just get on with what you need to do. What happened in the past is a matter of total irrelevance - move on already!

the idea that he could get custody is a complete red herring - he can't even be arsed to pay maintenance, never mind have full time care of his daughter.

Lancelottie · 01/12/2015 11:06

Bollocks to him.
Why would she live with you? Well, because that's her customary way to live: with her full-time parent, not the one who sees her once a week.

On the other hand, why would you want to live with someone who
-is infuriating
-makes you feel like a child
-thinks 'most families' have better relationships
-makes you feel very patronised ?

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 11:16

I have checked how much he should be paying, I did the calculator online and told him. He keeps saying 'i offered to transfer you money'... No you didn't, you told me to ask if I needed any, that's not the same thing.

I know I should stop caring what he thinks/says but as you may have got the jist from this thread that I am a very paranoid person who cares far too much about what others think. I hate the idea that his family, who I was once very close with, and his friends are all going to think I'm this child who threw her toys out of the pram when the voice of reason spoke. I hate that I let it get to me so much but I just can't t help it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chugpower89 · 01/12/2015 11:18

In fact that's why I'm so upset. When I'm crying it's usually because I'm thinking about his family and his mum and all the nice days out I've had with her, and imagining her thinking badly of me. Its not the relationship with him that is making me cry!

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