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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can he not see? :(

189 replies

Chugpower89 · 28/11/2015 20:10

First post so go easy on me.

I'm really struggling with my OH. We lived together for just over a year when things got really rocky. We have a 1 year old and I am currently studying and working part time and looking after her. Oh has always felt that his money is his. He wouldn't have any sort of joint account as he said 'i might leave with his money and refuse to close the account'. It came to heads when after arguing over it on 3 separate occasions over six months,each time being promised he would help me out more with money and it not happening, I walked out and told him I wasn't coming back until we either had a joint account (to prove he was committed) or there was some sort of plan in place. It took him so long to even understand why I'd walked out that I ended up really settled with my parents and we decided it would be best if me and little girl stayed here for about 6 months or so while we 'rebuilt our relationship'.

In this time he hasn't given me any money towards our daughter, we see him about once a week if that, he's constantly going to see other people or leaving us early to go and visit his sister or his friends. He has now announced that in February when our tenancy is up, he is going to live with his sister rent free for a year so he can save up for a mortgage. When I asked whether it would be his mortgage or our mortgage he stuttered and stammered and said 'thats a big thing you know, I hadnt even considered it' and numerous responses of 'we will see'. So essentially what he is saying, is I have to share a room with my child until she is 3 and a half, or have to claim benefits to survive and live alone, so he can spend a year living with his sister and then buy a house - but because I don't earn what he does

OP posts:
Iamthinking · 30/11/2015 09:48

I agree that he is waiting for you to end it as he can't bring himself to do it. It is a PR game.

You'll get there soon Chug. I think that you are in a very strong position as you sound very emotionally detached now and posting here to talk it through will really help.

At no point here have you expressed any affection or warmth from him, you sound like you get on as friends - sometimes. The relationship sounds so dead in the water and I am surprised you were thinking of moving back in with him, as even when you lived with him it sounds like he wasn't great to live with.
It seems you just have to sort the practicalities and have the conversation and you are free of him. I am very confident you will get there as you sound so close to it.

His sister knows bollocks and is a complete ignoramus. Ignore her, don't think of her or what anyone else thinks.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/11/2015 10:07

A dad who is more excited at the prospect of saving a year's rent by staying with his sister than getting to know his DD. An aunt who has no interest in meeting her DN and who views her brother's girlfriend as a gold digger.

Your parents must be biting their tongues so hard!

AnyFucker · 30/11/2015 10:10

Those two fell from the same tree, alright

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 10:13

If I were your mother I'd be seething! Mainly at him yes but I'd also be annoyed with you for not dealing and myself for not raising my child to stand up for themselves! Agree tongue must be almost bitten through by now! In this situation my dad (or my mum for that matter) would be massively resisting decking the twat!

I too am a single mum ex has been a shit but I've dealt with him as far as it's possible. Ex won't meet my mum except in public places Grin she's given him several earfuls!

peggyundercrackers · 30/11/2015 10:50

OP sharing money or a bank account doesn't mean someone is committed to you. why do you keep going on about money? you must have known he kept most of his money to himself in the 3.5yrs before moving in with him?

why are you bothered about him living with his sister when you walked out on him and went to stay at your parents?

if your DD is nearly 3.5 and you have only lived with him for 15 months where did you live before you moved in together?

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 11:14

She isn't nearly 3.5. She is 1. My original post was meant to say that if he lives with his sister a year starting February, we would be sharing a bedroom (no spare room at my mums) until she is 2.5 but I accidentally put 3.5! It was never a concern before we lived together because we didn't have a child together so I never needed money from him. I didn't mean sharing the bank account was the commitment. I just meant that he kept saying he would pool our incomes and nothing was happening. The joint account was supposed to prove that it was definitely going to happen.

I think my mum is upset at the prospect of me being a single mother and would rather I didn't have to go through that. I guess it's hard for her to understand as her and my dad married young and have generally had quite a stable relationship, so I can imagine the idea that her daughter may not have that is hard for her to understand. She is very angry at him and always wants to have words or ring his mum and tell her what's going on. But I usually tell her not to.

The funny thing with Sil is she is smitten with LO. Always asking to see her and have her sleep over...so it is like she just thinks us sharing money is for my benefit and not LO's. Hmm

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 11:32

I think my mum is upset at the prospect of me being a single mother

I don't think she's the only one.

Baconyum · 30/11/2015 12:07

I can get where your mum is coming from. If you won't deal with him she wants to! I suspect she's hoping that his mum will kick his arse into behaving better but given both his and his sisters attitudes it's doubtful - she raised them to be selfish twats after all!

lorelei9 · 30/11/2015 12:29

OP, I don't have kids either....no idea why you think that's relevant to his sister view. I think most childfree people would agree you have children, you pay the costs! Confused

Anyway, forget what anyone thinks of your texts, use the official channels to sort this.

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 13:11

Sorry lorelei, that's not what I meant. A few people mentioned if she was a mother surely she wouldn't say that. I was just pointing out that she has no kids and is single with a very good job so she has never had to depend on anyone financially. Doesn't mean I am excusing her or that I think all people similar to her feel this way.

Yes baconyum I think that's what my mum is hoping - but I feel the same. I can't see his mum agreeing. Even though we used to be very close, I just can't see her disagreeing with both her children, they must have these views from somewhere. And even if she did, he has let me leave home rather than share and still hasn't changed his views - if his mother can but numerous arguments and me and his daughter moving out can't, then it's not really good enough.

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/11/2015 15:59

Have you done the calculator OP?
So you are forearmed before you speak to him.

Also have you spoken to himat all in last few days since you started the thread? How has he been? Or is there very little contact between you?

rookiemere · 30/11/2015 18:38

I have just read all of this thread.

OP this relationship is over. It doesn't really matter what his DM or Dsis or indeed your DM thinks, he has shown by his actions that even if he wants to be in a relationship , he really isn't capable of considering anyone's interests but his own. Please stop flogging this dead horse, it is never going to turn good.

At the minute your parents are paying for your DD by housing and presumably feeding both of you. I'm sure they are happy to do it, but you owe it to them to ensure that DD's DF actually pays for the maintenance of his DD.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/11/2015 18:59

Why won't you ask him to pay the child maintenance due?

Who is currently paying for your DDs needs so he can save for a mortgage? Do you think that's fair on them or your DD?

wannabestressfree · 30/11/2015 19:11

I wouldn't do the calculator. I would phone the cms tomorrow and let them do it for you. It sends a strong message to him that you mean business for your daughters Sake. You need to do this....

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 20:58

He's text me apologising for upsetting me. His latest excuse is that his mum apparently has savings for him and has said he isn't allowed to use it to have a joint mortgage with me. I said 'and it took you 2 days to come up with that? If you really cared about me and your mum actually said that, then perhaps you should've said no thankyou. There is no way I'm going to degrade myself to living in a house with you when you could just kick me out whenever you feel like it. I deserve more than that'

He's responded saying 'if it was up to him' He would but it's not. Ridiculous. I told him the mortgage was irrelevant and the fact he thinks so little of me that I can't be trusted with money and that looking after our daughter is so unimportant that it isn't worthy of his money, then he can stick it. I've also spoken to my mum and she was gobsmacked and doesn't believe his mum would say that. I said he clearly isn't going to change and I think this is the point where it's time to give up trying, and she agreed.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 30/11/2015 21:03

Ask his mum..... Ring her and explain how hurt you are as you are the mother of her grandaughter.

I have a feeling it will tell you all you need to know. No more getting sucked in ring the csa and withdraw. Take 24 hours to answer his messages and reply with non committal crap.

I feel really sorry for you....

tribpot · 30/11/2015 21:05

I wouldn't call his mum actually - why prolong this row? Either she'll confirm his story, in which case none of them think much of you, or she'll confirm he's lying. There's no way for him to come out of this well, his actions have spoken for him.

lorelei9 · 30/11/2015 21:06

Chug "I told him the mortgage was irrelevant and the fact he thinks so little of me that I can't be trusted with money and that looking after our daughter is so unimportant that it isn't worthy of his money, then he can stick it."

exactly the right thing to say. Tell him no more mortgage talk!!

I wonder if having a baby made him realise he is still a baby!!

Friendlystories · 30/11/2015 21:26

So he's either allowing himself to be controlled by his mother (which in this case I doubt) or he's so emotionally immature he's lying and placing the blame for his lack of financial commitment to you on someone else instead of owning up. Either way he's weak and pathetic and not even close to worthy of you OP. This would be the final straw in a veritable bale of the stuff for me, I would stop responding to texts and allowing him the opportunity to take me for a cunt and make that call to CMS to sort maintenance. If he can be bothered to pursue contact with DD then fine but aside from that I would go NC and start building a good life without him, he will only ever disappoint you because he is totally incapable of any kind of equal relationship.

AnyFucker · 30/11/2015 21:50

There is nothing left here for you

Take the advice at the beginning of your thread and detach yourself

nauticant · 30/11/2015 22:10

I also don't think the OP should waste her time calling his Mum. It's an variant on trying to get her involved checking the in the ins and outs of mortgages. It's simply a tactic to distract the OP from having a long and hard look it him and realising how inadequate he is.

CharlotteCollins · 30/11/2015 22:22

Good idea, give up trying.

I'm glad you've got your mum's support.

Hillfarmer · 30/11/2015 22:44

Ring CMS. Ring CMS. Ring CMS. Then give him the numbers in an email or text. This guy is a self-deluding toe-rag. He is not your soulmate, he is not a decent dad, he is not a decent human being.

He is a sponging, dissembling coward. Stop asking yourself why he's being a toe-rag, or what his mother says. Before telling him to Fuck Off to the far side of Fuck, tell him you are onto the CMS, that they will be chasing him unless he can start paying you on a mutually-agreed basis and that you will be wanting this sum back-dated so that he can be said to have paid adequate child support for his daughter. He won't be 'helping you out' - God, how ironic is that? 'Help' is the laughable opposite of what he is to you.

What a tosser. Time to get angry OP.

gamerchick · 30/11/2015 23:47

However you need to put on your armour and gather round you your support, your parents, your friends because the script dictates that within a money stingy man who realises that he will have to pay child support will either quit his job (or do something else to hide income) or turn the screws on your insides by threatening to take your baby away.

This is part of the script to get out of paying. You'll need to ride it out.

Original poster
Chugpower89 · 30/11/2015 23:56

Ive said my peace. Though this wouldn't get to me as I'd detached myself but I thought wrong Sad. I don't even know what I'm upset about.

OP posts:
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