AIBU to be really upset that DH walked out of a restaurant and left me & 3 kids?

[TreeHuggerMum1]

Husband rung me and told me he'd collected the kids from after school club and that it would be nice if we all went for a family meal. I meet him at the restaurant 15 mins or so later and he looks miserable, food arrives quickly and nothing out of the ordinary happened, our youngest is 3 so is a little testing but she is a darling really and certainly not badly behaved by any means. Anyway, he wolfed down his dinner, said he couldn't cope and left me and 3 kids under 9 in the restaurant. WTF?!
Two screaming kids and one looking really confused.
I'm so mixed up emotionally today, anger, resentment and confusion are some.
My eldest has said this morning that Daddy apologised to him before he left for work but he's upset that lately he treats us like "junk".
We barely spoke last night. DH asked me if I was ok this morning and I've said not really, ive said that he can't behave that way and he said he knew he was in the wrong and he's having a tough week at work and then left.
I work 5 days a week and have 3 young kids, I often have "tough" days but would never even contemplate a move like that. AIBU?

You know things are bad when your eldest thinks you would be better off without him.... Clearly similar stuff must happen often for them to pick it up

Sorry to say I think he was planning an announcement and bottled it.

Urgh XH used to do things like this. Ruining family occasions, we'd all end up running around desperately trying to make him happy. Yes I'm biased, just don't end up tip-toe on egg-shells.

I hope you can have a constructive talk together.
I also agree with you re tackling any issue together.
What my own story has taught me is that if one person in a couple is struggling, then it takes both partners to solve the issue. Of course, if he is, let's say depressed, then he is the only one to be able to do something about it, it be ADs, counselling, reorganising his life/work. But having a partner to work with you is always making a huge positive impact.

Sorry to say I think he was planning an announcement and bottled it.

Bad news you mean. He wouldn't do that in front of the children, would he?

Gather the whole family including children in a public restaurant to make some kind of upsetting announcement? But dramatic as a supposition.

I agree Blu. Even on mn this is unlikely, to say the least.

He's likely finding modern family life not what he was expecting. Who does really? None of us are prepared for the grinding reality of juggling work, family, commute, domestic stuff.

These days, you have to be an organisational genius with an unending supply of ready cash, a car that never goes wrong and an army of helpers to just get you through the day. Its mad! That said, to just walk out of the restaurant as he did signals that there's something deeper going on. A sense of perhaps feeling overwhelmed and out of control I'd suggest, particularly if he's the sort who has fixed ideas about things.

What he did was the classic fight or flight response to a situation. He won't explain because he doesn't understand why he did it. Stress, depression,inability to articulate those feelings leading to feelings of confusion, leading to sweeping it all under the carpet...until the next time.

Meals out with tinies can be difficult. Maybe it was all just a case of good intentions going spectacularly wrong particularly after a tough day at work. We are all human. I'd be tempted to just let it go...this time.

OP, nothing justifies this.

Bad day. No bad day. Stress etc etc.
We've all been there. Tired. Overworked. Stressed. You don't walk out and leave your other half and DC's in the middle of a meal. It's totally out of order.

His expectations are high on behaviour are they?
Well maybe he should shine a light on his own behaviour as a starter. Children copy what they see, not what they are told to do. I presume that if one of your DC's had gotten up and left the restaurant having 'had enough' they would have a strip torn off them for lack of manners.

If he's genuinely sorry then he needs to sit the whole family down. Apologise whole heartedly. Explain to his DC's and you that what he did was unacceptable and faithfully promise not to do it again.

I think that what your eldest has said speaks volumes. It's horrible living with a mood sucker/ thundercloud. You guys need to talk. Alone and then as a family.

I don't like lots of noise , which is a shame as I have a lot of noisy children .

So I wouldn't dream of taking my kids out for dinner , after a long day at school and nursery THEN after school club. Now would I dream of doing this and then informing my partner that it was happening , I would discuss it with him in advance .

Then if it didn't work out because the kids were not meeting my expectation, I would not dream of just flouncing out like a spoilt teenager, making a scene and upsetting everyone .

I see that lots of posters have suggested that your DH may be ill or on the edge . However I'm guessing this type of behaviour is in fact typical of him, hence your 9yo comments . And I see that he managed to recover from his illness or stress enough to go to his sports club .

I find it interesting how many fathers are too depressed or stressed to spend time with their kids or do things around the house but quite well enough to go out with their friends, to the pub or to clubs. And I wonder why more mothers don't get this type of depression , if it's so common. Why do women get the type where they stay at home all the time with their kids because they can't face going out ?

indeed, not many Mothers would say "I can't handle this" & walk out of a restaurant (surprise she had SET UP) , leaving 4 people, presumably taking the car. & go to the gym........
The guy is a jerk

How are you doing op?

Hi all, just an update. Things aren't perfect but we're ok. Weve had several talks and I've given him every opportunity to leave if that's what he wishes, he says it never crossed his mind. DH says he's tired both emotionally and physically and it's work related and the kids being so full on when he gets home is hard to handle. I've suggested to see a GP, he says there's nothing to see him about. He assures me he'll try harder and so it's down to him. I've been quite harsh and said I'm perfectly capable of going solo and so if he wants to go he can. He seemed genuinely surprised and upset by this and has said he will try more with the kids and will leave his work issues at work.
I appreciate all the comments and we'll see how it plays out.

Keep talking. Good luck!

I am sure when he goes into work he is able to leave the stresses and strains of family life out of it, because he has to. Therefore he should be able to leave his work stresses at his desk and afford you the same attention he gives his job.

Well I do hope this has been a wake-up call for him, Treehugger - because "try harder" needs to be an active process from him, especially to overcome your DS1's thinking that you'd be better off if he did go.

I suppose you didn't tell him that? I don't think I would have except as a last resort; but it might add more incentive to him "trying harder", especially with the children.

A decent-underneath-it-all father certainly wouldn't be at all pleased to hear that their children think the place would be better without them - they'd be devastated - but a truly decent father wouldn't let it get to that stage in the first place, so your DH needs to pull his "decent father" out from under all the crap that he's carrying around, otherwise he runs the risk of alienating the rest of the children, as well as continuing the decline with DS1.

Best of luck, and I hope he does sort himself out.

I hope things sort themselves out, OP.

Keep talking to him and don't let him take his frustrations out on the children. Did you tell him what the oldest said about it being better if he wasn't around?

Yes, did you? Any decent person would be mortified to hear that was what their child thought of them.

Having read about the toilet incident, I'd have to say that a 3yo not wanting to wash and dry their hands sounds pretty low level and not unusual to me, so if he can't deal with that then his tolerance level really is pretty low. Perhaps he could spend some time with two of them at a go, to get more tolerant with a situation beyond one on one, then move up to all three?

I also think he needs it pointing out that you don't have it easy either. Him leaving at 7am with you then left with all the kids to get ready for one thing: how would he like that? Can he change his travel times or cut back extra hours? Is he the main earner?

What about your 9 yos comment though? What does do say to that?

The kids weren't all thrust on him in one go.
They came one after the other.... he has got used to them, he just doesn't accept that kids can be testing (to say the least) He needs to grow up.
& also we don't know what is going on behind all this. the DS who says his father treats them like junk, didn't say it after one stropping out of a restaurant scene,
his father apparently is frequently making him/them feel like shit.

So he's going to 'try harder' to not run out of restaurants when 3yo behaves like, well, a 3yo..... Good luck with that!

There is so much more to this. When the eldest gets to the point of actually articulating that their df is acting like an idiot. By this point we are talking deeply ingrained twuntishness that is being overlooked by OP.

This isn't going to get any better. OP giving him the 'option' to leave? Nah. That's not going to solve a thing at home.

I would expect that in a week or so and with all the pre-Xmas busyness things will just carry on being the same. Or maybe worse.

Why does your 9 year old say that?
That would really concern me.

If your H is depressed or anxious he should seek help with that.

Whether or not he has a health issue, work pressure etc It's still no excuse not to do his fair share at home or treat you or the DC badly.

Sorry but that sounds like he's fobbed you off!

Has he made any attempt to offer solutions? Do anything to 'try harder'?

I agree your eldest hasnt said that on a whim/one off, that's an observation of their father's general attitude towards you all!

Did you even mention parenting class/counselling? I'm guessing he wouldn't even entertain the idea.

I agree with the others for the sake of your kids don't just let this go. You need to know how he is planning to change and see evidence of it happening. If his job is the big problem can he change it? Are you sure he doesn't need to see the GP.about his tiredness and irritability? Does he need some parenting advice? If he is not doing anything different the nothings will change.