AIBU to be really upset that DH walked out of a restaurant and left me & 3 kids?

[TreeHuggerMum1]

Husband rung me and told me he'd collected the kids from after school club and that it would be nice if we all went for a family meal. I meet him at the restaurant 15 mins or so later and he looks miserable, food arrives quickly and nothing out of the ordinary happened, our youngest is 3 so is a little testing but she is a darling really and certainly not badly behaved by any means. Anyway, he wolfed down his dinner, said he couldn't cope and left me and 3 kids under 9 in the restaurant. WTF?!
Two screaming kids and one looking really confused.
I'm so mixed up emotionally today, anger, resentment and confusion are some.
My eldest has said this morning that Daddy apologised to him before he left for work but he's upset that lately he treats us like "junk".
We barely spoke last night. DH asked me if I was ok this morning and I've said not really, ive said that he can't behave that way and he said he knew he was in the wrong and he's having a tough week at work and then left.
I work 5 days a week and have 3 young kids, I often have "tough" days but would never even contemplate a move like that. AIBU?

Yes lol, all planned and we've been together for 17 years and married for 14.

OK, I know this is a little out there and no one else has mentioned it yet, but is there the slightest chance he is seeing someone else? I know you've said you're good in 1 to 1 without the children, but if he's finding family life so very stressful, then there is always a possibility that he's trying to find a way out.
Obviously I am just suggesting it, I can't know whether that's the case, but it does sometimes happen.

Equally he could just be on the verge of what used to be called a "nervous breakdown" so I strongly second him seeing a doctor and discussing his stress/anger responses, as he definitely needs to learn to deal with them better.

So - first port of call - he sees a doctor. Then sees someone about his stress responses, maybe a counsellor/therapist. And I hope that's all there is to it.

Define "noise", op. Obviously there will be noise with 3 kids of those ages, but a 3 year old and a 6 year old screaming in a restaurant shouldn't be waved away as them "just being kids". Your tolerance sounds much higher than your DH's and mine

Your DH I think was looking for an argument, there is no justification whatsoever for how he has acted. You also work full time. I note also he apologised to his eldest child much later and not to you.

I think your eldest child is very perceptive here and has made some comments about his dad that stem from a deep unhappiness of him.

Why do you think he has too high expectations of them?. How does he think children should be, does this all come from his own childhood experiences?. Was he really taught to be seen and not heard by his own mother?.

Op why you even questioning yourself of course yanbu. My husband has been doing the same ie walkinh out for a while. My oldest is very testing. Then he says he cant tolerate noise ofvthem just being kids not naughty. He'll leave house for 6-7 hts to drive and relax. I wish i could walk out when things get tough but normal folks dont do that. Its not reasonable or rational behaviour.

He always apologises. Last time he threatened to leave. I was so shocked that when going gets tough he wants to walk and willinh to divorce over it. I have anxiety and low self esteem but somethung came over me not anger resigned and survival mode i guess. Ive told him if he wants to leave do it soon so i can get on with normal life my kids dobt need to feel like its their fault coz their dad cant cope with stress of a family life. It is impqcting negatively on kids.

He went to talk to gp seems normalso far but i dont think it will last im preparing for the worst.

I doubt its just work he cant handle stress and doesnt want to. I hope you get to the bottom of it i did after 2 years no solution though other than cope or divorce.

Did he know you had money and a means of getting the 3 DCs home? It's shitty behaviour no matter how you look it. He made a scene in from of the DCs, and acted as though it's fine to leave you to pick everything up.

Was he controlling before the DCs came along? Because a!though he could be someone who is bothered by noise, it's actually more likely that he's someone who wants strict control of his environment and the people in it. Unless he changes that attitude, its going to be a constant battle between him and the DCs with you acting as referee in the middle. Your DS thinks his DF treats you all like junk - that has to be addressed.

i also feel your dh's expectations are out of line - if I took my dc to a dinner out on a worknight, they'd behave poorly due to tiredness. My DH does expect the dc to behave better than I do - he grew up in a very quiet house where everyone pandered to his father, DH says he's jealous of men of his dad's generation because they were expected to do nothing at home.

eldest said we'd be better off without him

Are you sure he wasn't repeating what his Dad had said? Sounds worrying to me.

how much time does he spend at home?

Out as usual by 7 am, sports clubs after supper in the evenings? Does he play any more than a cursory part in their lives??

Sounds to me like he thought he'd play the Great Dad card by collecting the children and whisking you all out to dinner.... I bet they all asked where you were, he got in a snit, the children were not at their best and he flounced off after he realised what a prick he is

Thanks Katarzyna, think you've hit the nail on the head, I need to take stock. If the kids are unhappy and feel shitty then I need to wake up and sort it. I can't have the kids feeling miserable, I will encourage he sees a Dr. BIG talk coming his way.

Huge thank you for all your responses, I feel better knowing I'm not being over sensitive or silly or neurotic.

Off to work I go.

Even if the children were jumping on the table screaming that wouldn't be any reason for their dad to walk out of the restaurant; he's their parent, their behaviour is his responsibility.

He likes children one on one but struggles with all 3 in one place. I genuinely think he has too high expectations of them, I grew up in a big family with lots of noise and so I think it's normal, he grew up alone with a single mum so struggles with noise etc.

what do you mean noise? it sounds like more like chaos than noise. why were two of your kids screaming in a restaurant? I can understand a 3yr old doing that but a 6yr? I definitely wouldn't put up with that - noise drives me potty - I like things to be fairly quiet.

We have friends who consider there kids to be noisy - they are always fighting, throwing things at each other, shouting, clothes off then on again, up/down stairs etc. etc. are all considered normal - when we go round im climbing the walls after 20 mins and need to go - I couldn't cope with kids like that - its not noise its chaos.

It's doesn't matter if he was stressed.
It doesn't matter if the kids were noisy or screaming.
It doesn't matter if he's depressed.
It doesn't matter.

You DONT walk out of a restaurant and leave your partner and 3 young children.

The only viable excuse would be if he had a case of diarreaha or something.

He's a selfish prick and I'm sure there's a huge backstory here.

flogging op has clarified the DC were screaming after her DH left as they were upset by it.

firesidechat

I was not blaming op or her dc in any way, I was just trying to build a picture of what caused him to get up and leave. He is an arse regardless.

Peggy do you have dc?

not sure this its relevant but yep ive got 2 - a 3yr old and a 5 month old

Think he needs a parenting course, strategies for dealing with his anger, frustration, whatever, and perhaps different expectations. Sounds like you need to talk to him. Together the two of you decided to have 3 dc so he needs to be able to parent them!

What baconyum says.

OP your DH sounds as if he is depressed/suffers from anxiety.

Sorry you got left in that situation. You're not being unreasonable.

I have had to leave the house for a few minutes, sat outside, had a coke or glass of wine to calm down after a day with 4 under 5 and being up at night with the baby. Having said that I would never do that in a public place and put the children at risk or stress my partner like this.

I really think you need to prioritise having a chat with your husband and get him to see a doc. I have been put on escitalopram and my bandwidth has increased within days of taking it and I'm back to my normal happy, chilled out self.

I would of been fucking fuming had my DH done that to me and our three children who are 10, 6 and almost three.

They are pretty good in restaurants. However even if they do do something that he freaks out about, like having a giggle or not wanting to eat all their food cause they are full, it's never anything that I think is bad and they are never disruptive to others. Hes just too strict and expects them to sit their like gargoyles not children.

He would never, ever, walk out like that though and leave me. Although my kids would probably of been more puzzled than upset if he had.

You having to deal with upset kids in a restaurant on your own because of him flouncing on you because he couldn't deal with them with you there for support, is not acceptable. Had my DH then buggered off to some sports club after then he wouldn't be getting back in that night.

I think you are right to have a serious talk and find out exactly what is going on with him. Instead of feeling upset though, feel angry, much easier emotion to deal with.

My thoughts are the restaurant visit was a set up, designed to fail from the start. Two reasons:

They are very young to be doing this kind of restaurant meet after school/nursery (I assume your youngest is in nursery).

You were eager to join because, and forgive me for this assumption, you probably don't do many things together now because of all the hassle it entails.

I think he wants out and there is perhaps someone waiting in the wings so to speak.

Your 9yo feels like his Dad treats him like junk and you as a family would be better off without him. Plus the children crying after he left the restaurant. This is very sad and very telling.
Clearly this is a bigger problem than the dinner and it is really affecting all of you.

I agree OP you do need to wake up and see the bigger picture here - but it really is down to your P to "sort it". You aren't responsible for his behaviour and by the sounds of it you can't fix the problems your family is experiencing - at least not alone.

Please don't feel responsible for him - he's a grown adult.

Peggy sorry but I suspect you've a rude awakening ahead as yours get older. Kids are sometimes very noisy and raucous they sometimes need to be.

Op I have to say in your position I too would have locked him out! Or at least bumped him onto the sofa!

I actually said parenting classes for the kids sake! He needs to be more realistic and patient and I suspect if he went to a parenting group and whined about a 3 year old being noisy sometimes he'd get laughed at!!

This comes under the category of 'opting out of family life', with an added dose of 'throwing a strop to get attention'. He planned this outing, if it goes wrong then he (and you) have to sweat it out together with all the patience and parenting skills at your disposal - afterwards is the time for saying 'never again on a weeknight'.

However, I do think it is worth reflecting on how you both handle the children's behaviour. Yes, three will be noisier/more chaotic - but each one of them individually should not be worse or getting away with more than they would if they were alone. But having three children means that he needs to step up more, not throw his hands up and leave you to it.

My question to him would be: if she was being that badly behaved and did not respond to warnings, why didn't he take her home when he left? That would have reinforced discipline, made things easier for you and made sure the others didn't miss out on the treat.

Peggy regardless of how you feel about noise, and regardless of how he feels about noise they are HIS children!!

Walking out, walking away, not dealing with them really isn't an option for someone with PR.