AIBU to be really upset that DH walked out of a restaurant and left me & 3 kids?

[TreeHuggerMum1]

Husband rung me and told me he'd collected the kids from after school club and that it would be nice if we all went for a family meal. I meet him at the restaurant 15 mins or so later and he looks miserable, food arrives quickly and nothing out of the ordinary happened, our youngest is 3 so is a little testing but she is a darling really and certainly not badly behaved by any means. Anyway, he wolfed down his dinner, said he couldn't cope and left me and 3 kids under 9 in the restaurant. WTF?!
Two screaming kids and one looking really confused.
I'm so mixed up emotionally today, anger, resentment and confusion are some.
My eldest has said this morning that Daddy apologised to him before he left for work but he's upset that lately he treats us like "junk".
We barely spoke last night. DH asked me if I was ok this morning and I've said not really, ive said that he can't behave that way and he said he knew he was in the wrong and he's having a tough week at work and then left.
I work 5 days a week and have 3 young kids, I often have "tough" days but would never even contemplate a move like that. AIBU?

All of the posters saying 'oh he might not like noise' or 'oh you have different parenting styles' - their DS thinks their DF treats them like junk. When DF left the restaurant he said he 'couldn't cope' - a comment obviously directed at, and in hearing of, the DCs.

I don't care how much OP's DH is affected by noise. I don't care how much he wants her to parent differently. He is failing as a parent. His big drama queen strop and his comment before leaving would have been horrible for the DCs and from DS' comment it seems this isn't the first time he's treated them all badly. He needs to grow up.

Peggy please read the OP's posts and consider answering in a way which is actually relevant. You personally don't like noise and somehow plan keep your kids quiet throughout their whole childhoods - good luck, well done to you. That isn't of interest here.

The OP has clarified that the children weren't crying and shouting before her husband walked out. The toddler was fidgety. That's it.

Also, if the husband always "wants quiet time", doesn't that mean it's always going to be the OP's problem to deal with the kids? Who are these people who plan to have three children and then opt out of interacting with them when they're behaving in a completely ordinary way? The arrogance is astounding.

I assume if he was leaving and saying he couldnt cope he wasn't exactly thinking straight.

Some days I think my ex was surprised that children don't come with an "off" switch so that you can turn them off and put them up on a shelf when you want to have quiet time or go out and have a meal or a drink. He still doesn't get it, which means I am the one that deals with it all.

I do think a parenting course and some counselling would go a long way in this instance. Of course, he has to want to make these changes or there's no point. If he says "I am willing to make changes so I can cope with this better" that's good, but if he says "You need to deal with the kids, and I need more time to myself" without admitting he needs to make any changes at all, then it's unlikely to improve.

It sounds like he's at breaking point and can't cope.

This may be because he's a dick and you should LTB...... or it may be that there's stuff going on he can't cope with.

I'm not excusing his behaviour btw- what he did was horrible- and even he recognises it wasn't acceptable.

But if he's telling you out loud that he "can't cope" you need to listen.

Agreed. And stop dismissing him as a 'grumpy arse'. Do you even know what's going on at his work? FWIW, DH recently was hospitalised following growing workplace stress. Thank fuck I had been a bit more understanding about it than the OP and others on this thread seem to be, I'd be feeling a bit of a cunt if I hadn't been. And whilst he hadn't done anything like what the OP's DH had done, he acknowledges himself that his parenting wasn't great running up to this incident. But we got through it. Because that's what couples do, they support each other. Of course, we only have the OP's side of all this. But when a parent walks out of a situation saying they can't cope, don't you think listening to them might be a good start?

Get the book "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" so that your DH gets an alternative way of dealing with his kids.
Talk to him about not expecting perfection - kids are not employees you can bark at and get instant obedience - many men expect their kids to have no personality or thoughts of their own and react like adults - they are not, they are kids.

Your eldest definitely has picked up on something that needs to be addressed.
My DH struggles to understand the thought processes of a 12 year old are not the same as that of a 50 year old - I often pull him up on it. However it must be done every time, as soon as it happens so your DH can practise being a parent and not a manager.

it's difficult if the DH doesn't understand they need help though, and dismisses the behaviour as just a tough week at work and the kids not behaving. People have to want to get help and take steps for you to support them, otherwise you're just enabling unreasonable behaviour.

RiverTam well I'm glad you were a 'bit more understanding' but I think it's also safe to say that posters with a different perspective have possibly been the DC that has to suffer from a parent thinking it's appropriate to walk out when they feel like it.

Or they have been the partner that's left to pick up the pieces because their DH/DW decides they don't want to deal with it anymore, not because they are ill or stressed, just because they think they can walk away and it's the other person's job to pick it all up and keep it together.

I hope your DH is recovering and they have been able to make the necessary changes at work to support him.

It's just not everyone is your DH and you sounded a bit judgey about others who had had different experiences.

plus I'll always prioritise listening to the unhappy child because I think they can be overlooked if they live in a family where an adult is having or creating a crisis

But if he's stressed & not coping, he can't just keep flouncing out!

He at least needs to explain to the Op what is bothering him-it's affecting everyone so I think that she has a right to know!

So you both work and he was doing the pick up? Was he also supposed to get dinner moving when he got in the door?

So in essence was "dinner out" a simple avoidance tactic to have to run around like a blue arsed fly when he got in, before going out to his club leaving you to do bed time??

I am judging. Yes, the OP needs to listen to her DC, of course. But what about listening to her DH as well?

Also, he may well have gone to his sports club as a way to try and clear his head. Again, DH finds running the best way to do that - perhaps the OP's DH does too?

And, btw, my father did this. Often. Thst doesn't mean that I can't see a different point of view.

APlaceOnTheCouch here have a

Tread it was a poor tactic, if it was. He'd had been better off either ordering takeaway to be delivered or asking the OP to pick up takeaway on the way home. Then he wouldn't have had to cook, the dcs would have been home and able to play, rather than cooped up in a restaurant, and the stress level would have been much more manageable. That's, of course, not saying that he didn't still possibly use it as a tactic, only that it was a poor one, if it was.

taking kids out to a restaurant isn't that stressful - we take ours out all the time and never have any problems, never had a meltdown or any screaming or crying. Too many parents take their kids out and let them run riot - kids need to be taught to behave properly.

Peggy - aren't you following the thread at all? Several of us have pointed out that her children were fine, until their father got up and walked out - then they were crying. Not before.

please don't hurt yourself patting yourself on your back.

peggy are you and your DH both working full-time? If not, then it's not the same situation. You are coming across as a bit smug and unhelpful.

It's really concerning and YANBU.

If there is something going on at his work or he is having some sort of crisis then he needs to talk to you and go and get some help from his GP.

I can also see what others are saying about him making a grand gesture to play happy families by going out for a meal and then storming out over nothing sounding like he's detached from family life.

Some of the reasons for this could be understandable (if he's ill) and fixable with support but he could just be a selfish entitled git. I really feel for your son, it must be pretty bad for him to have picked this up at his age but it's reassuring that he can see it's his dad's problem not his. I was still thinking it was my fault and desperately trying to make things right at this age, and didn't really understand that my mum would have been much better off LTB till I was in my 20s.

I think you need to find some time when the two of you can talk without little ears. If he doesn't spontaneously tell you what the problem is, then you maybe need to lay it out for him how his behaviour is affecting the family and that you aren't prepared to put up with it any longer whatever the cause is.

I do think there might be something going on - a health, financial, disciplinary or possible redundancy at work, severe depression, or yes, an affair - if the behaviour is recent. But if he won't share whatever it is with you, then what are you meant to do? Not put up with the behaviour in definitely, however concerned you might be for him.

I'm also thinking he may well have started to mentally checked out of the relationship (and family life) and I would not be at all surprised if there was another woman because so often people start a new relationship as a distraction or excuse instead of tackling the problem of unhappiness. The restaurant thing reeks of the classic last ditch attempt when your heart just isn't in it.

So sorry op, it must be very hard. He's clearly unhappy and making you unhappy and the children so you're going to have to do something. I think the GP suggestion is a good one. If he is "just" depressed then at least that has more hope than the above alternative if he wants to get better. Couples counselling is also worth considering but I think you should be prepared to uncover some unpleasant things.

Wishing you all the best

My initial thought was that he's hiding something.

A lot of time soap end at the gym/ club could be another woman/ man on the scene. Sorry.

Fwiw my sisters X behaved exactly like this. He's a classic narc, and thought his kids were cutouts there to adore him, and when they showed their own way of thinking (as other humans do) and stopped thinking he was wonderful he bailed (for a man).

I wonder if your DH isn't making an exit plan for himself.... All those constructed dramas would make it impossible to stay, or impossible for you to keep him..

I think he's looking for a way to leave, but doesn't have the balls to be honest.

Soap end... Well maybe! Spent

I think that was quite a cruel thing to do to a 3 year old. Will she remember it ?? not sure, I can only remember unpleasant/humiliating things that happened when I was 5.

Will she think her DF can't stand her.

If the bad atmosphere continues will she think it's her fault.

But ensure him leaving would of course result in 50/50 care of DCs.

Not him a single man again because he knows you will pick up the pieces.

taking kids out to a restaurant isn't that stressful - we take ours out all the time and never have any problems, never had a meltdown or any screaming or crying.
It's been pointed out many times now that the crying started after the DH left. The kids screamed because their dad stormed out; they saw he was tense and angry and presumably thought he was punishing them by leaving, so got upset. But you keep on stressing the crying - do you think that in fact he stormed out because the kids were noisy, and the OP was not being honest about it?

Too many parents take their kids out and let them run riot - kids need to be taught to behave properly.
Children behave like their parents. People are different, and the world would be a poorer place if we were all introverts.