AIBU to be really upset that DH walked out of a restaurant and left me & 3 kids?

[TreeHuggerMum1]

Husband rung me and told me he'd collected the kids from after school club and that it would be nice if we all went for a family meal. I meet him at the restaurant 15 mins or so later and he looks miserable, food arrives quickly and nothing out of the ordinary happened, our youngest is 3 so is a little testing but she is a darling really and certainly not badly behaved by any means. Anyway, he wolfed down his dinner, said he couldn't cope and left me and 3 kids under 9 in the restaurant. WTF?!
Two screaming kids and one looking really confused.
I'm so mixed up emotionally today, anger, resentment and confusion are some.
My eldest has said this morning that Daddy apologised to him before he left for work but he's upset that lately he treats us like "junk".
We barely spoke last night. DH asked me if I was ok this morning and I've said not really, ive said that he can't behave that way and he said he knew he was in the wrong and he's having a tough week at work and then left.
I work 5 days a week and have 3 young kids, I often have "tough" days but would never even contemplate a move like that. AIBU?

Floggingmolly, the OP did say that the kids started screaming after their DF got up and left them. They weren't crying before that.

Worst case scenario OP, but it's not out of the realms of possibility that he's withdrawing from the family, and the dc's will be his chosen reason. His responses sound very OTT, and as someone said above, the restaurant visit may have been set up to fail. A non-compliant three year old? It sounds like he was clutching at straws.

LovelyFriend but OP says they have talked before and she knows he doesn't like noisy etc. so its a known issue - maybe he just reached the end of his tether and thought fuck it - im off.

Sounds like everything just got on top of him. I would forgive and discuss.

I can't believe people are extrapolating from this that he is having an affair.

The fact that your eldest DC said to you that you would all be better off without him, makes it sound as if there are lots of issues going on here. I had a number of friends at school who used to beg their mum to leave their dad, because their dad made everyone in the family miserable.

Good luck with the talk OP. It sounds like you both need it and hopefully you will get to the bottom of what is bothering him.

she knows he doesn't like noisy etc.
So does he. But he still chose to break up their routine and take them to a restaurant.

maybe he just reached the end of his tether and thought fuck it - im off
The point is that they are BOTH parents. They are BOTH responsible for how noisy the children are. They BOTH have to deal with it like adults. Or are you saying that the children's noisiness is her fault?

So you think the OP can control the noise level of her kids & it's not her H's responsibility too?

hands up all the parents who don't like the noise their children make?

I really don't like the noise my kids make when they go OTT - still I suck it up and deal with it because I'm a parent, not a visitor.

Even if he did reach the end of his tether and think fuck it, walking out was a really horrible and irresponsible thing to do. His 9 year old son thinks his Dad treats him badly and the family would be better off without him!!!!!! What does that tell you?

Where would the family be if the OP decided to just walk out?

Also does he not like loud noises? He could have misophonia. I do. I nearly ran out of house last night when DD was yelling. It's a physical response.

There could be a lot of other explanations for why he did this very unreasonable, and odd, thing.

But something in your description pinged a "sounds familiar" to me.

Before he walked out on us three and our mother my father started to have ENOURMOUS over reactions to perfectly normal family dynamics and age appropriate kid behavoir. That culminated with him giving himself permission to stomp off by himself away from us, in the name of not being able to take anymore.

That doesn't mean that your husband is plotting his exit and crafting his excuses for the above by creating a false context of our unreasonableness and his inability to cope with it.

But if recently you have had any tingles of the "is he up to something" kind, I pay them a bit more mind given what happened at the restaurant. At least to the extent that you know where joint bank account details are so you can notice if they have gone missing.

Again, just becuase my father did similar for his own self serving reasons does not mean you are facing an identical scenario. There could by a myriad of other readons why he did what he did. This is just one possibility. Worth bearing in mind only if reading it makes other recent behaviours suddenly start to make much more sense.

love. Hope it turns out to be a "storm in a teacup" sort of thing. Which it could very be.

It's really much worse after a tough day at work.

It doesn't matter if the kids were behaving like the spawn of Satan. And it doesn't matter if he's depressed and anxious.

He's an adult and he has equal responsibility for his 3 children.

I'm sorry OP it was a really really shitty and selfish thing of him to do. do you think he will accept his behaviour was awful or will he mumble a half arsed apology and brush it under the rug?

It really matters how he generally behaves.

My DH is great. If he suddenly acted like this when stressed I would explore it and not instantly leave him or assume he is having affair. Maybe that's just me.

raven no im not saying its all OPs fault - there is obviously a difference in their parenting style and they don't back each other up. so if DH wants a quiet time OP should be supporting that - she should not be saying noise is fine. the kids are getting a mixed message there... maybe that's why the oldest says DH makes them miserable because DH gets onto them for making a noise all the time. does that mean OP doesn't get onto them?

If DH wants some quiet time, maybe he should consider not unexpectedly picking the kids up from after school club and taking them unasked to a restaurant, then phoning OP and saying to meet him there.

I mist admit my first thought was that he's already checked out of the family and it's just a matter of time before he takes that final leap for whatever reason. Setting things up so he can convince himself that leaving is the right thing to do.

A heart to heart would be my first step I couldn't ignore what was going on. Good luck OP.

(I agree with what you say about having to sort out their parenting styles - both may need to give in a bit! - but really, he set up the situation, if he thought it would be lovely and peaceful then he's naive at best.)

Well I have been on the receiving end of a walk out and walked out myself. We refer to those instances as Waffle-gate and the Nandos Meltdown. On both occasions the meals out were supposed to be treats for all of us and ended up feeling like a war zone.

We apologised profusely to each other - basically gave our heads a bit of a wobble.

It does happen - it can be the result of a mixture of pressures - but its not the end of the world. However he does need to recognise that he behaved badly and he needs to get a grip. he owes you and the kids an apology and to your eldest a talk about how silly he has been.

IME going out to dinner with children under 5 is a pretty stressful experience for the adults.

I often forget this and take the DC out for dinner and I just end up stressed. Never walked out and left them there though.

For this reason we mainly do lunches out, not dinners. DD2 is nearly 5 and I can see things changing for the better in the near future.

I meant how a talk about silly your DH has behaved not how your eldest reacted.

It's all very odd. Why the hell did he suggest a meal out when he already had an inkling that it would be stressful?

And the things your eldest is saying are worrying. Your H's lack of engagement with the kids will be the reason why they are such hard work for him. For the kids to respond positively to him, he needs to put a bit of effort in. if for some reason, he can't be bothered to make that effort, then getting them to cooperate is always going to be an uphill struggle.

To reiterate - the crying started AFTER he had left.

His departure was the cause of the crying. The Op makes that clear above. So arguing that he may not be able to cope with screaming children while under stress is irrelevant, they weren't being noisy until he left. His excuse was that the three year old was non compliant in the bathroom. That was it.

And I agree, a 9(?) year old saying the family would be happier without him suggests that this isn't a one off.

" I had a number of friends at school who used to beg their mum to leave their dad, because their dad made everyone in the family miserable." I was one of them regularly begged my mother to leave inc packing for us all (me mother and sis). I digress

The reason people are saying about a possible affair is because this is something lots of people having affairs do. Part of 'the script' checking out of/claiming family life isn't for them.

If parents stormed out every time a 3yo was non compliant, families wouldn't exist.