AIBU to be really upset that DH walked out of a restaurant and left me & 3 kids?

[TreeHuggerMum1]

Husband rung me and told me he'd collected the kids from after school club and that it would be nice if we all went for a family meal. I meet him at the restaurant 15 mins or so later and he looks miserable, food arrives quickly and nothing out of the ordinary happened, our youngest is 3 so is a little testing but she is a darling really and certainly not badly behaved by any means. Anyway, he wolfed down his dinner, said he couldn't cope and left me and 3 kids under 9 in the restaurant. WTF?!
Two screaming kids and one looking really confused.
I'm so mixed up emotionally today, anger, resentment and confusion are some.
My eldest has said this morning that Daddy apologised to him before he left for work but he's upset that lately he treats us like "junk".
We barely spoke last night. DH asked me if I was ok this morning and I've said not really, ive said that he can't behave that way and he said he knew he was in the wrong and he's having a tough week at work and then left.
I work 5 days a week and have 3 young kids, I often have "tough" days but would never even contemplate a move like that. AIBU?

You need to find out what's happening at work. Night out for with just the 2 of you?

TrreHugger, DH has been like this too. Not leaving like your DH did but finding looking after the dcs very very tought. And yes it was also a time where work was very stressful.

dc1 was also saying similar things than your dc. That he wouldn't be missing daddy etc...

In our case, there was a very specific reason for it (DH self diagnosed with AS, we I changed the way I communicate with him plus a lot of other things) and things improved a hell of a lot.
But if I had had any feeling that DH wasn't willing to make an effort or make it work, I would have left. The effect on the dcs was too great. It wasn't just about a one off where things went wrong. It was a common, usual situation where DH was stressed out, taking it on the dcs and have included leaving a place early because he couldn't cope. A very similar situation than you if your dc1 is making comments such as 'we would be better wo daddy'. It has to be a much deeper issue than just than one off occasion where he just left the restaurant.

One of things that I think made a huge difference is leaving him with both dcs on his own on a regular basis. He HAD to find a way to make it work and just couldn't leave it down to me whilst he was grumpy and in a bad mood. He HAD to face up to handling young dcs and the noise and the uncertainty and find his own ways of coping.
The result is two dcs that are very keen on being outdoors after spending so much time in the countryside (the one place where DH was confortable and they could make noise/spend energy wo it been an issue). That isn't such a bad result .

I also have reminded him resularly that if we were separated, then he would have to deal with the dcs EWO on his own so he'd better get used to it!

we take ours out all the time and never have any problems, never had a meltdown or any screaming or crying.

Good for you peggy - you win "parenting"!
Clearly your experience doesn't mean that all children are like this or that it isn't stressful for other families.

I find it 95% of the time time it has been pretty stressful for me, certainly not the warm family experience I imagine in my head. But as the DC get older, its slowly getting better.

Where does it say the DH stormed out? I can't see that anywhere. I can see that he ate his meal quickly, said he couldn't cope and left.

There seems to be a hell of a lot of extrapolating going on on this thread.

Peggy didn't you say you have a 3 yo and a 5 mo? I wouldn't be too self-congratulatory about how your children haven't had any public meltdowns yet, you've got a long road ahead of you and a lot of noise to come.

In any case, you don't seem to understand that if the children were misbehaving (which OP has been clear, they were not) it is his job to sort it out, not run away. Or are we supposed to feel sorry for the poor little poppet because he doesn't like non-compliant 3 year olds. You have children you deal with the good and the bad, that's our job. I don't much like Taylor fecking Swift, but I have to put up with her for DD's sake!

RiverTam, I didn't say he stormed out; I asked "Do you think he stormed out...?" I also asked if peggy thought the OP was lying; that doesn't mean I think the OP is lying, either, in case that isn't clear!

Ohhh Peggy there was a thread here recently about 'what I thought parenting was like before I had kids' something like that. You might find it interesting reading.

If he is spending a lot of time 'at the gym', is creating reasons to walk out regularly I would be veering even more toward thinking ow/wanting out altogether.

I wasn't aiming my comment and you, raven. A number of people have said that he stormed out, but I can't see where the OP said that.

The OP hasn't been clear they weren't misbehaving, she said the 3yo was being 'testing' but 'she's a darling really'. Without being there it's impossible to know, the OP might be ridiculously indulgent, the DH might be stupidly strict. We simply can't tell.

Peggy one of yours is a newborn.

If he starts running around restaurants you're on to a fucking medical miracle.

Until yours are older, how about you ease off the judgemental shite?

And before you make a dig; I have three similar aged dc to OP and we eat out a lot without my children running riot or causing a fuss.

Her dc did the same thing until daddy fucked off and left them.

OP I think there's valid points on both sides of this argument.

If dh did this I would know something wasn't right because it would be incredibly out of character.

So, is this the norm for him? And if so, and your 9 year old is commenting then it's really not ok. But then you know that already.

Fanjo the op works too

Op say he finished his dinner and left. He fucked off and left them (his dc) is a bit OTT, Walter, unless he was verbally abusive and chucking his cutlery at their heads; there's no reason for a 6 and 3 year old to scream because their Dad has left the scene.
He could have gone outside to take a call, he could have been called away on an urgent work related matter, there are any number of reasons he could have left the restaurant, and very little reason for the children to start screaming, surely?
Then again, maybe he was launching missiles at their heads, but I suspect op would have mentioned it...

That sounds like there could have been a work related reason for him leaving; I know there wasn't... I phrased it badly but I just meant they were unlikely to see him walking out as something to scream about..

dh and I both work. We both get stressed sometimes.

I have read all your responses and thank you for replying.
Can I state for the record that nobody was "screaming", they got upset when my DH left us and perhaps I shouldnt have used the word "scream" and it's clearly conjured up a bad image. DD is 3, I asked for specific details as to why the toilet incident had been so bad, she didn't want to wash her hands and then didn't want to dry her hands. At that point he chose to leave. That was his straw. I haven't heard from him all day, no email, text or call and I can see he has been on his Facebook page. From that assume what you can, I feel that he is on his way out of our life.
I love him dearly but have reflected a lot today and I dont want my kids seeing more of this behaviour. If he's ill, then we'll tackle it together. If he's had enough then it is what it is.
I've racked my brain today and nothing at all about the restaurant jumps out at me. I arrived, all children were sitting down colouring in, no one was screaming and they certainly weren't "running riot".

I feel for you op.

What he did at the restaurant was childish and selfish, but forgiveable if there was an apology and an explanation. Without those it must be incredibly upsetting for you.

If, and it's a big if, my husband had ever pulled a stunt like that I know he would be saying sorry pretty quickly and if he didn't I would suspect either a breakdown or he wasn't the man I thought he was.

Flogging I was trying to point out to the ever so smug poster that the children's reactions were after their dad had left, not the reason he left. That's all.

He just needs to exercise patience and understanding. If he spends more time with the three of them together he'll become desensitised!

Perhaps he could regard them in the mode of a scientist interacting with subjects? "Oh, so that's how a 3yo behaves when an older sibling squashes banana into her hair. Who knew?" Like that.

I'm sure he can do it.

OK. so when are you going to sit him down & get to the bottom of this?
Have you thought how you will tackle it?

Yes I agree fanjo. Just sounded like you were suggesting the op be more understanding. I must have misread.

It just rang true to me that he sounded like everything got on top of him. Have been there. It wasn't OP I thought want understanding but others shouting LTB and saying he must be having affair

I'm sorry, OP.

He sounds as if, for whatever reason, things have got completely on top of him. That's OK but it's how he deals with it that's important.

peggy thanks for my first biscuit. I've been here years and never received one before. I think you should keep it though. When your DCs get older you might prefer a biscuit to a mid-week meal in a restaurant. In fact, here, have some and too.

Treehugger I hope you get the opportunity to have a good honest conversation with your DH and work out how you can move forwards in a way that you both feel supported and your DCs feel secure

If he's ill, then we'll tackle it together. No if he is ill then he deals with it away from you and your dc.

You need protect your children from his behavior.

Ok thanks fanjo