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Original poster

AIBU to be really upset that DH walked out of a restaurant and left me & 3 kids?

182 replies

TreeHuggerMum1 · 25/11/2015 08:04

Husband rung me and told me he'd collected the kids from after school club and that it would be nice if we all went for a family meal. I meet him at the restaurant 15 mins or so later and he looks miserable, food arrives quickly and nothing out of the ordinary happened, our youngest is 3 so is a little testing but she is a darling really and certainly not badly behaved by any means. Anyway, he wolfed down his dinner, said he couldn't cope and left me and 3 kids under 9 in the restaurant. WTF?!
Two screaming kids and one looking really confused.
I'm so mixed up emotionally today, anger, resentment and confusion are some.
My eldest has said this morning that Daddy apologised to him before he left for work but he's upset that lately he treats us like "junk".
We barely spoke last night. DH asked me if I was ok this morning and I've said not really, ive said that he can't behave that way and he said he knew he was in the wrong and he's having a tough week at work and then left.
I work 5 days a week and have 3 young kids, I often have "tough" days but would never even contemplate a move like that. AIBU?

OP posts:
laundryeverywhere · 25/11/2015 08:29

The fact that your eldest dc was upset and said he treats you like junk, rather than being surprised and a bit concerned, makes me wonder if he does things like this quite often. I think if it was a one off, very out of the usual behaviour I would handle it differently to if it is all part of a pattern of unkind, selfish acts that goes on all the time.

firesidechat · 25/11/2015 08:31

Well it was the husband's stupid idea to feed 3 children in a restaurant on a week night, so he should accept responsibility for that and explain why he did what he did. Walk out, I mean.

123MothergotafleA · 25/11/2015 08:32

Yes, I feel that he's under some kind of pressure at work, and cannot bring himself to tell you what it is.
I agree that a grown-up conversation needs to happen, today ideally.

newname99 · 25/11/2015 08:32

Both genders can act irrationally when depressed and mental illness isn't something that a person can 'snap out of'. If this is a change of behaviour then it could be a factor.

You both sound under enormous pressure, do you have much family support?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 25/11/2015 08:32

Maybe they were screaming because daddy walked out and left them there? I think most 3 year olds would be pretty upset and confused if a parent did that.

GreenPotato · 25/11/2015 08:35

What firesidechat said. Yes being in a restaurant with kids playing up can be horrendous, but you are both the parents, so why the hell does he get to walk away and not you?

I agree you need to have a proper talk and find out what's wrong, and also remind him that you both have equal responsibility for your DC. However if he's depressed etc. then he needs help for that.

GreenPotato · 25/11/2015 08:35

It was a daft idea, it's not something I'd do because at that time of day the kids are tired and it's likely to go tits up.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 25/11/2015 08:38

What stands out to me is that your eldest thinks you would all be better off without him. I suspect the context here is that he's been behaving like this for some time.

Could you tell him what your eldest has said and tell him that he needs to change or get help. If he's depressed it's on him to sort it out and see his GP to get help, if he's just an arse then he needs to sort out his priorities. I work ft with two young DC and it would be hellish if DH wasn't part of the team. To leave you in a restaurant with 3 fractious DC is not acceptable behaviour. I'm sure we've all felt like pulling similar stunts before but you just don't do you.

Original poster
TreeHuggerMum1 · 25/11/2015 08:38

Thanks guys, the children weren't crying before he left us. They cried because he left us. The younger was fidgeting and playing her food, thats it. No fighting, shouting etc. she's just being 3.

OP posts:
yakari · 25/11/2015 08:38

But even if this is unusual it doesn't necessarily mean he is depressed or has mental health issue. It could just mean that he lost it on that occasion (again assuming it was a one off). Many mother have moments where they snap - fathers can as well. But regardless he shouldn't have acted on it or said 'I need to get out for a couple of minutes to calm down but I'll be back'. The totally walking off is what makes me think he's being an arse (but then I'm still judging him for suggesting it in the first place!)

Floggingmolly · 25/11/2015 08:38

Two kids screaming? They may well be "darlings" and "not badly behaved by any means", but agree with KeepOn; that sounds a little extreme and could well push you over the edge after a rubbish day.

MrsGradyOldLady · 25/11/2015 08:39

Did he make sure you had the means to pay before buggering off? Because it could have been even worse if you hadn't.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2015 08:40

It sounds to me like this "family meal" was set up to fail

Why he would do that is the key

diddl · 25/11/2015 08:40

"after eldest said we'd be better off without him,"

That's quite a thing to say isn't it?

What I find hard is that he didn't just go outside to calm himself down & then come back.

I mean he can't put up with the kids, but instead of thinking that they'd sort them out together, he dumps it on OP.

The meal out may have been a bad idea, but how many would have thought that rather than "hooray, no cooking or washing up tonight!"

TheBunnyOfDoom · 25/11/2015 08:42

"after eldest said we'd be better off without him,"

This isn't a one-off, is it?

Joysmum · 25/11/2015 08:46

This isn't a one-off, is it?

I'm wondering why, with the majority asking the same thing, the OP isn't answering?

Either it was or there's going to be a lot worse detailed and this was the final straw.

diddl · 25/11/2015 08:49

Perhaps OP is busy working or doing the school run atm?

expatinscotland · 25/11/2015 08:50

Sounds like the eldest might have the measure of him.

Baconyum · 25/11/2015 09:02

Dick! Agreed this doesn't sound out of the blue or unusual. In fact by the time a child is telling you to ltb there's a serious problem!

Original poster
TreeHuggerMum1 · 25/11/2015 09:03

Sorry, back now, walked kids to school.
He's been a grumpy arse lately and says its work / kids related, one on one together we are great and things are good. Family days out and home time is a nightmare, he says the children don't listen to him. He likes children one on one but struggles with all 3 in one place. I genuinely think he has too high expectations of them, I grew up in a big family with lots of noise and so I think it's normal, he grew up alone with a single mum so struggles with noise etc.

OP posts:
Wolpertinger · 25/11/2015 09:04

Is he someone who is normally v nice and this is out of the blue? Or is he generally an arse?

I like to think I am generally a nice person but when I have depression/anxiety this is sadly exactly the sort of thing I would do.

If it's a recent change in behaviour, he needs medical help. If he's been a pain in the arse for years, then you need to decide what you are going to do.

Baconyum · 25/11/2015 09:06

Then he needs parenting course and therapy. Not acceptable behaviour.

How old are dc?

fuzzpig · 25/11/2015 09:06

"after eldest said we'd be better off without him,"

agree that is not a normal way for a child to talk about their dad :(

I really hope you can talk to your H tonight (or even during the day - lunch hour?) as a matter of urgency.

YANBU obviously. All the best Thanks

Original poster
TreeHuggerMum1 · 25/11/2015 09:09

DC'd are 3, 6 and 9. 2 boys and a girl.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 25/11/2015 09:12

Planned?

After 9 years as a father he should really know better!

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