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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

301 replies

donnattella · 19/11/2015 18:04

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit Hmm wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit Hmm so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 15:22

Her friends are all making comments to indicate she has talked about him a lot.

I think, as I am reading it, she might well be a friend who is a little infatuated with him.

Distinct possibilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 15:23

He hasn't joined in, commented on any of her posts and neither have any of his friends.

OP posts:
EnglishWeddingGuest · 22/11/2015 15:34

Donna what was her exact response to the boyfriend question ?

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 15:40

"I dont have boyfriends"

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 15:58

Little tempted to just block and unfriend actually now as the day goes on. Not very Audrey Hepburn, but tempted.

OP posts:
EnglishWeddingGuest · 22/11/2015 15:58

Not having boyfriends isn't strange but that response is - what do you think was meant by it ?

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 16:02

It sounds to me like either:

  1. He's not my boyfriend but I want everyone to know I just slept with him on a holiday romance.
  1. He's not my boyfriends but I want everyone to THINK I just slept with him on a holiday romance.

I have had people comment on my facebook before asking if someone was my boyfriend and I always replied "no, just a friend". I'd always do that with a male friend to stop it being creepy.

Maybe just me though.

OP posts:
EnglishWeddingGuest · 22/11/2015 16:13

I interpret it as "I don't have boyfriends - I don't get tied down / am too busy - I sleep with whoever I want and I'm happy with that"

Or "I don't gave boyfriends - I have girlfriends, duh!"

I'm sure there are 10 other interpretations too

It's possible they are just friends love and your boyfriend is a very bad communicator

By the way how old is everyone ? Are we talking 40s or late teens ?

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 16:27

It is possible, but seems such a weird response from her to that question. Seemed like if it was an old friend you'd just say that instead of have 300 friends left ambigious

OP posts:
EnglishWeddingGuest · 22/11/2015 16:32

How old is boyfriend and the lady he visited ?

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 16:34

We are 29, she is probably about 35-40 or something. She's overweight and has kids. All odd.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/11/2015 17:02

She's overweight and has kids. All odd.

... I'm just going to leave that there.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/11/2015 17:02

Could she be his sister/aunt/mum? I don't think so, but it does seem a bit odd. My Son (almost 19) and my Daughter (17) meet up for lunch, now that he stays in Uni Halls (only half hour away). They take Selfies. People could easily jump to the wrong conclusion, that they're a couple. Aargh, the suspense would be killing me!

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 17:14

Oh for Goodness sake goodnight. We are not talking about two people that might not be each other's physical type that fell in love with each other's personalities over long hours and weeks spent getting to know each other.

We are talking about someone who he knew through an ex, who is much older than him, who is nothing like his physical type and who has him staying with her and her children. It is bloody odd. Sorry

Iliveatthebech they are not related no.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 22/11/2015 17:18

Well you need to find out what's going on then. I think you're trying to convince yourself that they're an unlikely couple/unlikely to be shagging. Just ask HER! Then you'll know.

moresnow · 22/11/2015 17:22

who is much older than him

She was apparently the same age as him when you started the thread. It might be time to move on.

Shakey15000 · 22/11/2015 17:23

"Overweight and has kids". Hmm

And yes, I know OP will say she's being factual and realistic but bloody Nora that's jealousy right there.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/11/2015 17:28

You and your "physical type" nonsense. So fatties should only go with fatties, and once a woman has kids, she's unfanciable and unfuckable? And men don't shack up with older women?

I know you're hurting right now but she may not even be aware you exist. Have some class in how you talk about her, ffs.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 17:47

Noooo. So much word twisting.

I don't think mothers are unfanciable or unfuckable. I think most are though, unlikely to invite a fling they've not seen in years to stay for a week of sex marathon with their kids. The part I find weird is him having him there with her children.

I also think most men have a phsyical type. Not that people stick with their own thing. For goodness sake! You seem to be deluded about reality here and blaming me for the facts being the facts.

Just think of the newspaper lineage which has been devoted to the shock and horror of the fact that Hugh Jackman is married to an older, larger lady when he is one of the world's biggest sex symbols and "could have anyone". That is not to say that their love story is not unbelievably sweet and lovely but it is the exception. People in general do bat within their league.

If someone met or fell in love with someone off the wall, I would be the first to say it was lovely they saw beyond the physicaly, but like I said...HE HAS NOT FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER. He has just bloody gone for a shag week whilst keeping his other girlfriend at hom. This is not Romeo and Juliet. Please!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 17:49

If I said she was the same age as him you either read it wrong or I typed it wrong. Have been very upset, but she is certainly several years older from her appearance. I don't know her actual age. She looks up to 10 years older, maybe a little less.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 17:56

Anyway, I think I am going to step away from the thread now. Sorry to those who disagree with me about physical attractiveness, age and living accommodation circumstances being a factor in choosing a sexual partner. If any of you knew me in real life you'd know I am about as far away from shallow as it gets, and plenty of people have "liked me as a friend" but I've not been their type - clearly my life experience is a world apart from your own.

Thanks to all those who have helped. I am going to move on from him and will delete and block in the coming days.

I wold advise all that no matter how silly you feel, trust your gut sometimes, even if it seems unlikely because they nagging feelings are often so accurate.

Much better to spy a little bit on someone acting shifty than it is to waste years of your life on a cheating wanker. I have done both, and this is preferable.

OP posts:
Goodbetterbest · 22/11/2015 18:03

Fuckin hell, I've got kids and am overweight. I'm having LOADS of sex.

Should I not?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/11/2015 18:04

"most people bat within their league"

Yeah, you're not helping yourself here.

MiniTheMinx · 22/11/2015 18:05

I'm beautiful...twirls...I'm a mummy too and I'm 40. I am though not very big, I'm too thin really. But when I was 29 I was beautiful and I thought in terms just like OP. I still do if I'm honest. Most men think with their dicks. I have yet to meet one who doesn't. Most men know if they would or they wouldn't within minutes of meeting. Women may be able to give a man a lot of consideration and find an attraction grows in time. Not so with men. And its evolution. Not social evolution. If you think that women can simply wish equality, or simply ignore youth and beauty, or ignore the way men think...well, that would be naive.

So, does she have money? Rich expat ex hubbie? Nice home bought and paid for? Or is it her dazzling personality? Because I'm willing to bet it isn't her youth and good looks!

As for those who say "there is jealousy" well yes, in theses circumstances virtually any other effect would seem odd.

Natalieday1 · 22/11/2015 18:05

Wow surprised u stayed for so long hun..people seem to think they know u and can judge u based on one thread..hope everything works out ok for u keep ur chin up u will find ur prince one day Grin