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Original poster

Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

301 replies

donnattella · 19/11/2015 18:04

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit Hmm wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit Hmm so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

OP posts:
Rufuswetwipe · 19/11/2015 21:30

I message my male friend pretty much constantly. There's nothing weird we are just good mates who find the same things funny and "gossip" about stuff as we used to work together and have the same friends and interests etc. I have a boyf and the thought of kissing or anything sexual with my mate makes me want to do a sick in my mouth. Sometimes it is what it says on the tin- a friendship. He's just text me now actually to tell me he's out with a hot milf Hmmhe's a bit of a gimp like that Grin

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/11/2015 21:31

Lovely you don't need a reason to ditch someone your guts telling you something, maybe stop trying rationalise stuff and just believe your instincts.

This soon in a relationship really really shouldn't be this hard

Rufuswetwipe · 19/11/2015 21:38

Op are you often anxious or paranoid in relationships?

bjrce · 19/11/2015 21:54

The thing is, if he is staying with her over there, it would appear he is actually going over to her.
How long is he going for, is he staying with her for the entire visit?
Particularly as they have been texting each other as frequently as the have been. In addition, you did say he was texting you frequently before you started going out.
I am going to be honest here, it doesn't look good.

Original poster
donnattella · 19/11/2015 22:30

Yes I am quite anxious and paranoid in relationships

Caught my fiance on dating sites a few years ago :(

Ive honestly no idea bjrce but he said he was going to see mates but Ive not seen evidence of anyone but her!

OP posts:
Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 20/11/2015 00:25

TBH if someone is ringing a bell this early then walk away.

Doesnt mean that he is (or is not) cheating but that he isnt right for you.

However if "mates" actually means just her, then yes I would think that there might be more to it, even if that is just someone he cant quite let go of.

Does she know about you?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 20/11/2015 13:07

This does sound a bit weird! Is he texting you, whilst he's away? I think I would comment on one of the photo's they've posted on FB. Something like "miss you, looking forward to our date next week" She will see your comment, and if he is playing both of you, the shit will hit the fan.

Helloitsme15 · 20/11/2015 13:21

ILiveAtTheBeach - that's a genius idea!

Original poster
donnattella · 20/11/2015 17:25

Mmm. No idea if she knows about me or not. yes, he texts me. Send me pics (same ones he posts) before he posts them. No effort to conceal anything and it's mostly just instgram style pics of food or views.

That is a funny idea but we've only been dating a few weeks so I'd feel like a loony bin doing that.

I've had boyfriends I'd have trusted more than this one. I can't put my finger on why i feel so iffy about it all and I am not sure if it's just down to this girl or to the fact that I feel like he might be "just not that into me" so to speak.

That might again be my paranoia. He does a lot to show me he's into me, but then doesn't do some other things I'd associate with a new boyfriend normally.

He's made me a little jumpy from the start really. Seems a bit secretive? He always answers openly when I ask him things but actually volunteeers only minimal details.

"I am having dinner with friends" might translate to I am going out with friends after a funeral, for example - and he's missed out pertinent information IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 20/11/2015 17:30

To be honest, with me being a bit anxious in new relationships I have ben wondering all day if I am not just better suited to someone more direct and open.

He might have nothing going on with this girl, but he definitely made it look a little dodgy by being quiet about important info.

That might mean we are a bad match. I don't want to be flying off the handle all the time over small things that could have been handled with better communication.

I know we're only a few weeks in but on multiple occassions I've wondered where I stand and that's not felt very nice and has me feeling quite exposed and anxious. When I mention it, he explains and I feel foolish for mis-interpreting but then some people make it easier to misinterpret than others.

OP posts:
Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 20/11/2015 23:42

I wonder if he is keeping his options open. Playing you both at the same time to see who "wins", no evidence of that, just a hunch.

Personally I would take myself out of the race.

spanisharmada · 21/11/2015 02:56

I still think it sounds like friends, and if it was prearranged before you became an item too, fair enough.
He might not have given you details about the arrangements because a) he didn't think of it or b) he didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Regardless, if the relationship isn't making life happier for you, you don't need to be in it.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/11/2015 05:40

After six whole weeks of dating, is it really worth the effort to hang onto? You might miss out on the potential love of your life but then again, it might have gone nowhere anyway. I think a polite "this isn't working for me" is the way to go.

Damelonair · 21/11/2015 06:36

You sound incredibly paranoid and far too controlling over someone you've been dating for little over a month. I'd be telling your partner to get out of his relationship with you asap tbh.
You have no evidence what so ever that he is cheating, just that he is good friends with a woman.
Stop worrying about who else he is talking to/spending time with and instead focus on enjoy your time with him during these early stages of dating him.

RedMapleLeaf · 21/11/2015 08:40

His behaviour sounds pretty much like I'd be this early on. It's important to keep friendships going, retain some privacy etc.

Enjolrass · 21/11/2015 08:43

I have no idea if he is cheating or not.

Although nothing you have said hints to me that he is.

My best friends is a man, I have already sent him 6 texts today. We are in constant contact, I spoke to him at 11.40pm last night. And we are in the same time zone.

I want to say this in the nicest way, but you sound paranoid. Trailing he her FB to see if he has liked her photos? Really?

I can go for months and not lie anything in fb then like everything for a few months.

It doesn't mean anything. He isn't hiding anything. And you say he would have said he was staying with her if you asked.

You seem to not want to question him to seem laid back, then are spending hours investigating him.

I really think it's unhealthy

Wolfie2 · 21/11/2015 08:55

I'm on the fence. She could be a really nice person with a great sense of humour. A real laugh. A supportive friend. Lots of people have friends of the opposite sex.

Or she could be more? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder though, I wouldn't bring looks into the equation.

Lastly you are only 6 weeks into dating. It's very early days.

Wolfie2 · 21/11/2015 08:55

If they are just good friends, your paranoia could ruin things

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 08:57

It's been six weeks and you already know how in love he was with his ex? Is she a recent ex? And this woman is a friend of the ex? The key to this is in how long ago did he break up with the ex?

I say this because it's highly unlikely that this woman and him had a close friendship whilst he was with the ex. Friends yes, mix in social situations yes, spend lots of time messaging at silly o'clock and cosy dinner for two...unlikely. This means it's not a long established friendship.

Original poster
donnattella · 21/11/2015 09:02

Yeah, I think i was right.

He started to ignore texts and not contact me and then cancelled seeing me on the day he gets back.

I'd not done anything to indicate my fears or show I was "paranoid" so it wasn't due to anything I did.

I think some sort of text romance had been going on a while, and now he;s slept with her or whatever. In any case, thanks for the help.

I know I seemed paranoid but a few things seemed off.

OP posts:
Trills · 21/11/2015 09:04

^I have no idea if he is cheating or not.
Although nothing you have said hints to me that he is.^

I'd agree with this.

Enjolrass · 21/11/2015 09:09

I'd not done anything to indicate my fears or show I was "paranoid" so it wasn't due to anything I did.

Maybe they know you were stalking her on FB

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2015 09:10

There was nothing wrong with your intuition. I'm sorry it seems you were right.

Enjolrass · 21/11/2015 09:13

If you are right, that's rubbish.

However I stand by my assertion that spending time pouring I've FB like you have been isn't healthy. Especially after 6 weeks.

TooSassy · 21/11/2015 09:23

OP do yourself a favour.

Consider it over and don't contact him.
Then see how it plays out. If he likes you he will be in contact and will work hard at ironing out any misunderstandings. If he doesn't then you know all you need to know.

It's that simple.

Next time you start dating, put more guards up and go slower.

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