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Original poster

Am I being paranoid or do you reckon I'm right?

301 replies

donnattella · 19/11/2015 18:04

I'm not sure if my imagination is running away with me here.

Relatively new man, we've been seeing each other about 6 weeks and a we're exclusive but it's early days.

A had a nagging annoyance throughout in that he seems to be online on whatsapp quite often and very late at night. We're late twenties, but even I don't get 1am or 2am texts from friends on a daily basis so it made me a bit Hmm wondring who the heck he is talking to all the time.

He's not weird about his phone, and he doesn't use it at all when he's with me, and have noticed he aslo doesn't really get late night texts when he's with me either. I did notice a text from one girl a couple of weeks ago, and it was just friend stuff but it came at midnight. He'd just left the phone on the table and it flashed up. Nothing funny on the text, no kisses, just a contuinance of a conversation.

I was a bit Hmm so I checked on that girl and found she lives overseas in a place he used to live, and maybe the time diferrence might be why all the late night texting. He does hve a lot of female friends. She's not especially pretty, but he "likes" a lot of her photos. More than he does mine actually.

Anyway, he booked a holiday to go over to see friends. Says he has a lot from when he used to live there and obviously this girl lives there too. I didn't ask where he was going or who he was staying with - we're not at that stage yet and would not know who the people were anyway- but we made a date for the day after he gets home.

Not heard from him much, and I have noticed a couple of things that would indicate he's with this girl. Same photos being posted from both of them, that sort of thing. Also noticed he's never online texting since he's been away.

Am I being totally paranoid? Is he likely shagging this girl or is there a good chance they are just good friends? I've no reason to find him not trustworthy but it's nagging at me.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 22/11/2015 12:29

Redmapleleaf are you deliberately trying to be unhelpful?

rubymallorywhite · 22/11/2015 12:30

I'm sorry it won't work is only applicable if he gets in touch with you & it's not looking likely,

I would block block block, he'll know why.

Rather that than torture myself wit the irrelevant details.

He's tagged, it's natural you will look & see who he is tagged with ..

If he gave a tiny shit or wanted to keep you for plan B he would have it hidden from his timeline or simply hidden from you.

Take the hint.

Savage but true !

I know it's tough but that last thing you want is to have a few wines, get upset & go Kathy Bates on his ass.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 12:31

I would do to him what he has done to you. Ignore texts, eventually slow to answer. If it's WhatsApp I would leave myself signed in and leave his messages unread. When I did reply I would be sweetness and light but be oh so busy. I would string him along and let him stew. I could keep that up for weeks whilst quietly going about my life.

Much better plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 12:35

Ruby, she lives on the other side of the world. She can't move, he can't move...it's no love story. It's a free holiday and a shag that he went to some lengths to pretend was not hapenning.

My take on it is probably that she's been texting him and giving him attention, he's been loving it, she's asked him to come stay (she lives somewhere NICE for holidays) and he's gone.

He's kept it all very shush, he's tried to keep it off Facebook and got flumoxed. That said there's nothing on there to prove they are not just mates.

I would bet you all the money in my wallet he will be back in touch, with story of a missed flight and how she is just a mate.

I might be wrong, but haven't been so far.

OP posts:
rubymallorywhite · 22/11/2015 12:42

You need to stay strong then & cool,
That way when he arrives back you'll have the satisfaction of telling him to ram it !
What a wanker.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 13:10

Jut got a text about a missed flight!!

What a predictable wanker

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/11/2015 13:30

Looks don't matter to men? So, female porn stars are cast according to their IQ? Ridiculous thing to say. Of course looks matter.

I love my DH's personality. Would I have dated him if he was 5ft 2 and fat? Nope. Because then I wouldn't have found him sexy or attractive. This doesn't make me shallow. It's human nature.

LovelyFriend · 22/11/2015 13:46

I know you are hurt and raging OP but you have known this person for 42 days!

42 days! I hope that helps put things in perspective.

What you can do next time is take a bit more time before investing your self in another person, that you really haven't taken the time to get to know. He is clearly not a genuine person.

Clearly this guy does find his friend very attractive despite how you view her.

and all you and your friends raging about this other woman's attractiveness, or lack thereof does indicate you are pretty shallow and superficial. Working on improving your superficial judgements of people will help you out next time too. Not every one thinks the way you and your friends do - far from it.

You've made masses of generalisations upthread about the way people are, people do this, decent people don't do that, attractive people look like this, etc etc. All pretty naive really.

But no doubt about it your "boyfriend" is a shit boyfriend.

LovelyFriend · 22/11/2015 13:50

My take on it is probably that she's been texting him and giving him attention, he's been loving it, she's asked him to come stay (she lives somewhere NICE for holidays) and he's gone.

or maybe he got into her head via text and messages, just the same way he did to you? You spent 3 days in bed with him on your first date. His strategy worked really well for him with you - he's doing it to other people too with similar success.

MiniTheMinx · 22/11/2015 13:55

Oh very predictable...ignore it OP. Text back all sweetness in a few days. Remember...your busy.

And when you do "oh dear, shit happens. Cant talk now. Catch up soon x"

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 13:56

Working on improving your superficial judgements of people will help you out next time too. Not every one thinks the way you and your friends do - far from it.

Oh really.

How would it help me next time?

Assume my next boyfriend is fucking the granny next door because age and looks don't matter?

This thread has nothing to do with my superficial judgements (which don't even exist).

I'd suspect from some of the idiotic comments here that some people on this thread might be insecure about how they look perhaps and tired of being judged for that.

Looks don't matter to men? So, female porn stars are cast according to their IQ? Ridiculous thing to say. Of course looks matter.I love my DH's personality. Would I have dated him if he was 5ft 2 and fat? Nope. Because then I wouldn't have found him sexy or attractive. This doesn't make me shallow. It's human nature.

Exactly.

Ridiculous to say it, and even more ridiculous to take time out of your day to come onto a thread for someone who's hurt and just been treated appallingly to try and blame her single handed for the concept of intrinsic sexual attraction.

I actually physically CAN'T feel attracted to blonde men. Am i shallow? what a load of crap. No one can control physical attraction and you can think someone is the most wonderful person in the world and not want to get naked with them.

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 22/11/2015 13:57

Just to add a small comment - I have two friends who were proposed to by their boyfriends after six weeks of seeing each other pretty frequently - they were both mid to late twenties and sensible types and both are still married 20 years later. They said they knew that it was "right" and neither was desperate to settle down.

OP, it's not a healthy thing to do but I would be doing exactly as you have done. When I read the start of this thread, I thought of an ex of mine whose best friend was female and he saw her/texted her more than he did me, but there was genuinely nothing in it and he'd known her for 10 years. He just prefers female company to male.

Get closure on this in your own mind - by her answer or whatever - then block him. Hope you're OK. You deserve much better. Once it's happened to you once, unfortunately all future relationships tend to have the potential to be tarred with the same brush.

EnglishWeddingGuest · 22/11/2015 14:00

OP love the "WWAHD" advice from your male friend - most excellent

Sounds like you've got a plan from Minitheminx - great advice there

Hold strong there love - there are decent men - sometimes you just need to kiss a bucket load of frogs

Am interested if the other lass has responded to the boyfriend question ?

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 14:01

Thanks Mini. Exactly what I will do. Not usually a game player, but this time I might invest a few minutes of my life over the next couple of weeks to ghosting someone for the first time in my life.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 22/11/2015 14:04

Ghosting was invented fro people like this guy! Good plan.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 14:05

Thanks Lobster for that helpful post. I did feel like he was very right and it's been a decade since I felt that.

OP, it's not a healthy thing to do but I would be doing exactly as you have done. When I read the start of this thread, I thought of an ex of mine whose best friend was female and he saw her/texted her more than he did me, but there was genuinely nothing in it and he'd known her for 10 years. He just prefers female company to male.

Thanks for that, and why I was doubting. I genuinely felt he liked me so much - the old "written all over his face" thing where you just feel like someone is kissing your forehead in your sleep and all that stuff. Silly me, I know I am naive.

Yes English I loved that advice. I am going to ask myself "WWAHD" to a lot of tough questions from now on. No...she has not replied to that question yet.

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 22/11/2015 14:12

Donnatella I would have checked FB too. You'be been hurt before. It's a self preservation thing you're doing. And look - you were right! Better to find out now, than in 6 months etc. FWIW, I think 6 weeks/20 dates is enough time for you not to expect or tolerate this behaviour. Redmaple I am sure, would not be happy if her DP told her today "Oh, you know when we were 6 weeks in to our relationship, well I had a week abroad and shagged someone else". That would go down like a lead balloon unless she really has no standards at all

MiniTheMinx · 22/11/2015 14:14

If you really want to mess with his head. I would suggest also that you regularly say little things like "miss you so bad, when will I see you" and when you get reply ignore it, answer a day or two later and ignore the suggestions of days and times and talk about something completely unrelated to him. Do this a few times and he won't know if he is on his arse or his elbow. How do I know ...someone has done this to me. Sad I didn't deserve it though!

loveyoutothemoon · 22/11/2015 14:19

I've read the whole thread and I'm sorry if I've missed something but are you sure they are shagging? You knew he was meeting her. What makes you think that, the cosying up photo? Are they kissing? They could be friends.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 14:31

I don't understand why this distinction is so hard for you to follow. Yes, we all judge people on their looks but yes it's superficial to judge someone on that alone? Perhaps holiday girl is the love of his life? Perhaps she's won him over with her kindness and sense of humour? Why do you think you're supporting the OP when her boyfriend (it's not her DP) has just cheated on her with someone he prefers despite her not being that pretty?

MiniTheMinx · 22/11/2015 14:33

Maple wind it in. It doesn't matter why he cheated. It only matters that he has.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/11/2015 14:44

I should "wind it in" but so should people encouraging OP to slag off the woman.

magoria · 22/11/2015 14:55

I think she may be his long time relationship hence the texting around you late at night and you are the OW hence the no texting when he is with her.

Because he doesn't want her to find out he is a rat trying it on with other women when he is away from her.

LovelyFriend · 22/11/2015 14:58

yes indeed - texting her when with you, but not texting you when he is with her is a massive clue as to what is really going on.

Original poster
donnattella · 22/11/2015 15:20

RedMapleLeaf...

  1. How do you know he prefers her to me?
  1. I didn't judge her on looks alone. Just said she wasn't very attractive.
  1. If she is the love of his life then it's very sweet he was in bed with me the night before he left and intending to be back there tomorrow.
  1. I have not slagged the woman off.

She's not his long term relationship, I've met his friends. None of them know of her.

He has never texted her when he is with me. she texts him. He don't even go for the phone or want to read it. Just leave it casually on th table and goes off to the kitchen. Was nothing suspicious at all.

You're right loveyoutothemoon, I have no proof he is shagging her and she could just be a friend, but if that's the case she is trying quite hard to make it appear he is shagging her.

She did respond to the question, and it was in such a way as to say he wasn't her boyfriend but make it sound like something was going on perhaps. Definitely an "iffy" response that was not "nah, he's just a mate".

OP posts: