How long does it take to get over a marriage ending due to an affair

[ComeDownToMe]

Just that really. If the marriage was over 20 years, with kids, and you ended it after finding out he was cheating. How long before the hurt goes and you start moving on.

Ming...tell me about it...my ex is one of those who has to cut off the last relationship in the most mercenary fashion...I should have known really. This time, there is a child...and a 14 year marriage. Hugely insecure OW can't bear it. Fuck her.

Well it took my middle child about six months before he stopped wetting the bed, and three years on he still cries about twice a week.

Dd still hates her daddy and calls him by his first name now.

Does that answer your question?

Hmm. My dad left my mum for another women when we were small, and even though she went on to remarry she never really got over it. She shock of the man she thought was her best friend sleeping with this woman in her bed and walking out on his kids changed her forever.
He did marry the other women, for a while. She wasn't the one he ended up with, and he cheated on his 3rd wife too.
It also affected my relationships with men in countless ways, and my older brother has never married or had children. He is too anxious about comittment, and I think worries he is like our Dad.
Whatever shit things I have done in my life I have never slept with another woman's man. What a heartless thing to do.

The effects on the children are utterly tragic. I have had a horrible evening with my 4 yo DS...and I do every time he comes back from contact. He is awful and keeps asking me why I don't love his Dad . I have no idea what "dad" is saying but it's not the truth that's for sure. How many times can I just keep repeating verbatim "Daddy and I love you very much". I am making excuses for his cunt of a father, every bloody day. Then you get shits like OW wondering why it's so difficult to "move on and lead a joyous and fulfilled life"...mainly because you're picking up the pieces of the shit they've inflicted on you, you don't have much time to be joyous

Can I just say, Sansoora you are just fucking inspirational and I think you should write book. Much love x

OP may have disappeared but just dropping by incase shes still reading to say stop kidding yourself re your relationship with his DD. Speaking with experience, I was your DPs DD. I never had a relationship with the OW no matter how hard she tried. I always despised her. She was foul and ruined our family and she could do nothing to repair that. The only good thing was my much younger sister, who I adore. She didn't choose her unfortunate parents... OW died when her DD was 1yo. I've never wished death on anyone (including her) but I wasn't sad and wasted no tears. She ruined our family and she didn't get to enjoy her own. Karma. I'd be surprised if you ever had a decent relationship with his DD! She will never respect you enough for a real relationship!

mrsc to you.

So sorry your DC's are going through such a tough time. It's heartbreaking.
If it helps, reassuring them and saying those things, you're doing the right thing for them. I know because I am having to do the same. doesn't make it easy but we are doing the right things.

Reading these posts is so sad, I'm half tempted to share this thread with STBXH so he has some comprehension of what he and OW have done.
It all makes me so angry the "never thought she'd find out" is the most ridiculous cliche. OP you are delusional as is each and every cheating shit out there.
My STBXH had the audacity to invite me and our DS to watch him play squash with his OW (before I found out obv)!!!!! It's just one massive head fuck trying to understand why anyone would do that and something I will never stop thinking about.
I can also share what happens to children after an affair. My mum had an affair when I was young, married the man and had another child. He was much older than her and died a few years ago. All through my childhood and teens he was bitter and jealous of me and my siblings and we hated him. We were always second best, rarely saw our mum and still don't have that strong parental relationship we should have today. I struggle to talk to her about what has happened to me, all I can think is "You did this to dad" and I'm in my 30s!!!

This thread frightens me for my children's future emotional wellbeing

On, no, chucklecheeks! I posted earlier about the effect on me and my brother, but honestly, on the whole we are fine

No child gets to adulthood without some kind of upheaval. Or, maybe they do, but those people I meet who have had the perfect childhood have no sense of humour, so there.
And anyway, all you can really do is be there for your dc, be honest, let them know they can come to you about anything.
If they have that then they will survive your ex shagging some skanky trollop.

FormidableMrsC you are, by the way, and that's a good thing

The OP is quoting my only other post on this thread when she says she wishes the exW to live a joyous....etc life .

It's really upset you and that upsets me. I didn't for one moment think OP would use those words to support her case but she did. I just meant to convey the long lasting consequences of betrayal and I probably should have just owned that my life is not joyous, not fulfilling and none of those things which are supposed to demonstrate that one has 'moved on'.

I haven't moved on and I'm sorry that my words were twisted for the benefit of the OP.

I know I'm one of many offended by your pathetic inappropriate question but I still feel like putting my 2p in.

My kids and I will NEVER be okay. There are wounds in us that time will superficially heal but my ability to trust is permanently damaged, I have lost faith in people and life and no longer feel I have a future. My two daughters have both needed professional psychological help. The pain of loving and despising the behaviour of their father is so conflicting and damaging that i suspect all their future relationships will be tainted. I will spend the rest of my life protecting them from men like him.

I walk around with a permanent knot of anger, hatred and resentment in my chest. I will NEVER understand how someone can treat their life partner with so much contempt. I truthfully believe people who have affairs do NOT love their children deeply as they don't give a shit about the pain they cause. If you don't want someone LEAVE. The humiliation and devastation of an affair is incomprehensible if you haven't been through it.

Apart from that I think everything will be peachy in about 3 weeks. Is that what you wanted to hear?

akaWisey, bless you, you don't need to explain and I am sorry your words were manipulated in that way

I really do think this is one of the saddest threads I have ever read, the stories on here are heartbreaking. I sincerely hope that OP realises the extent of the damage she has done.

Flangeshrub...I agree with you, I think that part of me will never ever recover from this. Some things just leave you broken and sometimes you just can't repair. I too have a permanent knot in my stomach. It's horrible. I agree that none of these men ever loved their children enough. Certainly not enough to ensure they had a lifetime of security. My ex once e-mailed me to say he had to leave to ensure that our son grew up knowing "love and emotion". WTF? I have never heard such a load of drivel in my entire life and of course, it was all about redirecting blame to me, as if I was an inadequate parent. So insulting and so completely untrue. My kids couldn't be more loved. How dare he. He has brought nothing but misery to both of them and pays below subsistence level maintenance while having a lovely "lifestyle" with OW. I don't know how he sleeps at night, I really don't.

How utterly disgusting?! How do you sleep at night?

Some very brave, beautiful inside and therefore outside too, women here.

No OW can disentangle herself from blame in this way, I know too may people who would never ever have an affair with a married man not to realise that those who do have a screw loose, are selfish and egocentric and devoid of compassion.

This is not a message for the OP but for the women who have responded with so much insight. My DSis has recently been left for a woman 25 years younger than she is. She is extremely shocked, hurt & still pining for her DH. I know there would be help and support for her on MN but where to start? She isn't used to online forums, can anyone help me to signpost her?

Thanks in advance

auriga ask her to to head to relationships under body and soul in the talk section. It is full of hugely supportive posters, many of whom have been through the mill and are hand holding the rest of us through our processes.

Auriga...start in Relationships. If she is not ready to post, there are lot of very helpful threads there. Lots of amazing advice from the lovely ladies (and men) on MN. I don't know what I would have done without the support I received on here. When she feels ready, she may like to start her own thread where I am sure she will be given plenty of further support.

I am so sorry she is going through this, it's a long journey and indeed painful but it does get better. I don't think you are ever the same person after an experience like this and I think that it changes you in so many ways. However, in time, life does improve

Thank you

You've never had a man who wanted just you as you and not a bit on the side.

Thank you all the women who have posted on here. Fourteen year ago this Christmas, my life turned upside down.

My ExH managed to dress up my pain as my being unhinged somehow.

Thank you for confirming to me that I was the sane, decent one.

His OW was very like the OP sounds. He dumped her after two years. My children went through, and continue to go through, all that pain - for what? I think Sansoora had it right about the big fat greedy bastard sucking up everyone else's emotional offerings to feed himself.

Oh, and as for the ex wife?
She'll probably be plunged into poverty come April, as a lot of single mums will.

You again, why do you keep posting? Do you think being attacked by us is a form of punishment which makes the shambles of a 'relationship' that you have ok? If so you are wrong, dead wrong.
Congratulations on your prize, a lying cheating fuckwit, if he did it to his wife-the woman he loved enough to marry & have DC with- he'll happily do it to you, don't fool yourself otherwise love

You again, why do you keep posting?

Here's hoping she doesn't feel the need to come back and answer your question.