How long does it take to get over a marriage ending due to an affair

[ComeDownToMe]

Just that really. If the marriage was over 20 years, with kids, and you ended it after finding out he was cheating. How long before the hurt goes and you start moving on.

Chuckle just love the song that is all. No meaning in the band.

Op you mention there are 2 children, I wonder how old they are. A child at a difficult age, let's say 13 ish, may take even longer than the betrayed spouse to get over it.

MrsFring I don't get your question. Our relationship is fine BTW.

Bubble youngest is mid teens. Kids have found it very hard yeah.

Can't see the point of your asking this ... are you trying to look sympathetic or searching for proof that his wife is being unreasonably emotional?

Raven no I haven't considered his wife to be unreasonably emotional in the slightest. I was just looking for some insight as to when it might start getting easier for her as it is still very fraught a year down the line. Of course I feel sympathy for her, we didn't set out to hurt her. Yeah I'm aware I am being hypocritical.

op why do you want to know? Do you want to know because:

1. now that the initial euphoria has passed, you are suddenly realising the hurt that yours and your dp's actions have caused and feel genuine regret, and want to know whether the ex will ever get over what happened?

or:

1. Now that the initial euphoria of the affair has warn off, and the ex is still not over the break-up of her marriage, you suddenly realise that the marriage wasn't as damaged as your dp led you to believe it was?

Look, affairs happen, and sometimes people leave relationships to be with other people. But the reality is that once that initial feeling wears off you start to realise that the foundations of your relationship are built on lies, betrayal and deceit. And where once you were the one who trusted your partner to break the trust his wife had in him, you're now the partner and the trust issues are real. How do you continue a trusting relationship after all, when its foundations are built on the creation of mistrust and betrayal...

I got remarried after 20 months. So bang on 2 months per year (coincidence)

I would say I haven't totally got over it but only in the sense I really hate my ex-h. He spent 2 years taking steps that were really difficult to live with. I've no intention of stopping disliking him.

I am however blissfully happy now.

"we didn't set out to hurt her. Yeah I'm aware I am being hypocritical."

aww bless you both, how sweet, kind and caring.

"Look, affairs happen, and sometimes people leave relationships to be with other people. But the reality is that once that initial feeling wears off you start to realise that the foundations of your relationship are built on lies, betrayal and deceit."

Indeed. And sometimes the cheater realises that long-term, the grass wasn't in fac greener on the other side.

I can understand that you feel sympathy for the wife; it isn't all black and white. I'm caught between thinking the OW is a slag and feeling sorry for her for being led down the garden path by my lying ex ... maybe things would change if I actually met her but for now the two extremes neutralise one another!

I'm 1.5 years on from the reveal after 20 years together and I still wake up every day thinking about my husband's thoughtlessness, hypocrisy and plain old nastiness. When he does something stupid it still doesn't take much to make me angry. But I don't spend all my time thinking about him and I frequently think that I'm happy he's gone; it's just HOW he went I didn't like. The kids are gradually feeling better about it. The younger one has been in therapy, as have I, and I am coming down slowly from anti-depressants.

There are different degrees of getting over it. I'm no longer broken and crying; I've started a new relationship. But it still hurts. It's changed a lot in my life. I can't see myself ever having friendly thoughts of any kind towards my ex.

I don't think you ever get over it.

I found after about 18 months the rage and anger had subsided and now I think she did me a massive favour actually. She's the one stuck with the lying cheating bastard, not me. Life is better now I'm not married to him but I wish we hadn't had kids together as I'll never be free of him.

But it has changed me, and changed my children. I will never trust a man again (despite being very happy with my DP, he is a wonderful man and nothing like my ex-husband) and I am a lot more cynical and bitter than I used to be. My youngest still cries that her family is broken up.

When the person who should love you for better or worse until death do you part fucks you over it cuts deep. The world of me and my children was utterly destroyed, the foundations of my life were built on lies and deceit. You don't just "get over that"

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. OPs relationship is a valid one and she asked a valid question. She never said she was the wronged wife.

You can't blame her for everyone on the board assuming she is the wife. Too many people are projecting.

Sidge and ravenmum to you both.

This young woman with her 'yeahs' and misplaced sincerity is in for a tough lesson. I'd write more about her but my post would be deleted. I'm sure you both know what I'd say.

Here's a tip, wind your neck in and let her deal with her grief over whatever timescale it takes. Sure, it must be hard being reminded of the shit storm you've caused in someone else's life, but that's the price you pay for, well, being a shitty person.

WorzelsCornyBrows And that's putting it mildly.

People like you never fail to astonish me in your utter inconsideration, selfishness, short-sightedness and plain lack of self-awareness. How do you manage in day-to-day life with such little comprehension?

And to come onto this board, whether or not you have been here before just goes to show how little you grasp of rudimentary things. Not only are you having an affair you are letting this man get his rocks of (and middle-age crisis) with you as a willing participant. I think the two of you actually deserve each other.

Watch out OP, the other adage you might not be aware of is 'marry the mistress - create a vacancy'.
If your DP can do that to his exW and kids, just think what he could do to you...
Just sayin..

I was going to post I only really got over the betrayal when I met someone else. It's not fashionable because you are supposed to heal n all that before dating.
But I read the rest of your thread so I'll add..I met someone far far better than my ex. In many ways.
The ex swanned off into the sunset with OW but OW knew she was with a liar. She never trusted him. They have been on and off for the last year and through the grape vine I hear they are off permanently. He is gutted by all accounts and she turned into a 'nut job' during the course of the relationship having to check his phone etc etc.
Life is rosy for me now. Better than it ever was with him.
They got what they deserved in my book.
Hopefully your DPs ex will have a better life than you whether she meets someone or not.

"She's the one stuck with the lying cheating bastard, not me."

Great point.

Even more so when the lying cheating bastard is a serial lying cheating bastard, like this one.

Worzel I think the two of you actually deserve each other.

The thing is, I reckon that people having an affair probably are very alike. They are both deluded, naive, unimaginative or cynical enough to climb the barrier to infidelity; they must in some way have a similar or at least compatible thought process. Yes, I know, they always say "I never thought I'd do that", "it might happen to you too" etc. but they must have something in common.

Thanks for the flowers Inthebox

Ravenmum that's what I told the OW when I found out - I said they'd be good together as neither of them obviously had any sort of morals. I don't know what she sees in him - I certainly wouldn't want a relationship with someone who can lie, cheat, deceive, betray so effortlessly. Mmm, such attractive qualities - not

And he didn't just cheat on me, he cheated on our children, our families and friends. The ripples go far and wide.

ComeDownToMe

Of course I feel sympathy for her, we didn't set out to hurt her.

Don't be ridiculous of course you have no sympathy for her or you wouldn't have screwed around with her husband. And as for not setting out to hurt her, what the fuck do you think she should have felt upon finding out other than not only hurt but desperation, sadness, grief, anger and so many other emotions which you will feel yourself when he cheats on you - roll on the day.

I know someone currently going through this and my opinions about women who have affairs with married men are probably unprintable, needless to say I think they are the lowest of the low as, of course, are the men.

OP, you posted a couple of weeks ago, yes ?

About that wife who just can't get over it and how you think it was about time you were playing Happy Families with her kids

I didn't see that thread mentioned by AF but I do remember OP posting a couple of months ago.
Something about DP not being a bastard but what he's done is wrong and he's a serial cheater. Again she didn't admit she was the OW until other posters had to ask.
She's got previous with other married men, not just this one.

Oh she's that one is she. The one whose story shows a striking resemblance to a MNtters thread.