How long does it take to get over a marriage ending due to an affair

[ComeDownToMe]

Just that really. If the marriage was over 20 years, with kids, and you ended it after finding out he was cheating. How long before the hurt goes and you start moving on.

Ive been thinking about this thread and there really is a difference between these men (in this instance) who are serial cheats and the common garden gnome kind of cheat who's antics are a one off.

Serial cheats will cheat with anyone because what they get out of cheating is the thrill of it. They need it in their life because of they way they are wired. They are people who would probably never leave the marital home because there really is no reason for them to leave - they're happy at home but they need excitement. Day to day life isn't enough for them without an adrenaline rush, a serious adrenaline rush brought on by lies and sailing close to the wind. They associate life through the mind of a teenager and in fact it could be said thats when they stopped developing emotionally. Im sure we can all remember what it was like to be a 14 or 15 or 16 and not wanting your mum and dad to know you had a boyfriend - its was fantastic!!!!! Well its the same with these people who are serial cheats but they're not hiding things from their mum and dad - they re hiding it from their partner.

I didn't really understand this till one of my lot explained it to me after their therapy session and suddenly it all fell into place.

It would take a month of Sundays to relate what Ive written to my personal experiences and to be honest I think the fact Im talking from the perspective of someone who's husband could have had 4 wives at once (not that I'd have ever gone along with it) probably clouds things for people. But I'd like to think it can make people see all the more clearly that here was someone who didn't have to be a serial cheat, he could have been open about everything, but he wasn't because that wouldn't have been half as exciting as the cheating and the lying over the course of an entire marriage.

Ive mentioned one other woman and two children, but there was also another one with a son, plus one who didn't have children and was divorced by my husband because according to him - she lied about being pregnant, she forced me to marry her. And I knew nothing about any of them till a few years ago.

Granted not all serial cheats are as bad as this and if you're involved with one you really shouldn't be taking comfort from the fact your 'big fat greedy bastard who has an insatiable appetite for himself' isn't like my husband. The bottom line is this - a serial cheat is a serial cheat and its only the circumstances of the actual mess they make thats different.

I suspect the wife of the serial cheat in this thread would find out about her husbands latest carry on and try to get over it each time. She would be working away on her marriage and each time she was doing that the cheat would be eating up all her efforts like a big fat greedy bastard. Because that's what he is on an emotional level - a big fat greedy bastard who has an insatiable appetite for himself and life always has to be about him. And the latter is why he will never have a relationship with someone who is equal - it will always be with someone who is having to try harder/work on a problem/be understanding because.................

My STBXH to a T. I'm going to copy that paragraph into my online journal. Now I'm not that try harder person and life is so much better. However from what I've seen of STBXH and OW she is tying herself in knots trying to please him, while being blamed for being the slut who lured him away from his wife.

Blamed by him I mean. He's always the victim.

OMG sansoora your post just flicked a lightbulb on in my brain. Thank you!

My STBXH is a serial cheat. Had zero intention of leaving the marriage anytime soon. He planned on taking a good few more of my (relatively) youthful years before trading up. (He would have left us eventually when DC's were older.

A big fat greedy bastard. Thanks rozalia. That's mine down to a tee. Even though Wanker ex was utterly caught with his pants down and then some, it's still the roadshow of him....him...him.

Ladies, thank you. These posts have given me much needed mental grit!

youthful years before trading up

Trade up? No. They never trade up!

Sansoora, your circumstances are unique but those insights are very valuable for a lot of us.

Sansoora, thank you for that insightful post. My ex-h was also a serial cheat although I had absolutely no idea at all until after he had left. I have found myself unable to come to terms with that, especially after the pressure he put on me to have a child in my 40's who he subsequently abandoned two years later. He most certainly did not trade up, far from it and she's as damaged as he is...moving my husband in less than 5 months after her husband's funeral. She also issued him with an ultimatum despite knowing we had a toddler with ASD. Utterly toxic. I am told he had no intention of leaving, was happy with a fling but she was going to make sure I found out.

Yes, as you so rightly put, it is ALL ABOUT HIM. All about what he wanted, what he felt he "deserved". The contempt shown to me and my children is something I will never recover from. What a fucked up basis on which to have a relationship. Sod that, I'd rather be on my own forever than carry on under those circumstances.

Serial cheats will cheat with anyone because what they get out of cheating is the thrill of it. They need it in their life because of they way they are wired. They are people who would probably never leave the marital home because there really is no reason for them to leave - they're happy at home but they need excitement. Day to day life isn't enough for them without an adrenaline rush, a serious adrenaline rush brought on by lies and sailing close to the wind. They associate life through the mind of a teenager and in fact it could be said thats when they stopped developing emotionally.

I have a family member just like this. He's now in his mid 50s and hasn't changed.
Twenty years ago, his wife divorced him before having DC with him. He was absolutely devastated by the divorce as he was very happy at home and claimed to 'love' his wife.
She found out about his serial cheating when one of his OW found out about two others. They all worked together, he was cheating with at least 3 women in the same workplace. The frisson he got from cheating on his wife was enhanced by having affairs with 3 women who worked together who were totally unaware of what he was up to.

Since then, he's flitted from one relationship to another, one lasted over 5 years, but he still cheats. And any woman is fair game for him, although they all seem to think they're 'special' while it pleases him to keep them around until they're replaced.

The frisson he got from cheating on his wife was enhanced by having affairs with 3 women who worked together who were totally unaware of what he was up to.

Yes. I now know that my husband had 3 of us on the go at one time. And it was the one he is now with who told the other OW who promptly told her about me.

You couldn't make it up.

Libraries there are a lot of points on this thread I could answer but I won't cos I do not want to cause further upset but I cannot let a question of yours go unanswered.

I did not tell his wife nor would I ever have done so. She found out cos she looked at his phone and read our texts.

I do feel guilty reading how infidelity has impacted on posters lives and their kids but I understand any additional comments from me would be unwelcome.

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell his wife. Because it's not your place to? That's bullcrap! The right and moral thing to do is tell the wife her husband has made advances on you BEFORE you fuck him. She will never get those mental images out of her mind, she will never stop wondering why. That pain could've been avoided by being HONEST.

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell his wife.

She couldn't tell the wife because she knew the bloke would drop her like tonne of bricks if she did. She knew he was going nowhere and all this talk of we were just a mutual casual fling is her way of protecting herself from what her reality was. And yes she ended up with the bloke - but only after his wife threw him out!

It says it all.

Drat - will now put this thread on hide for a while.

I was just trying to make sense of why you felt guilty that she found out, rather than guilty for what you did.

The fact that you felt the need to answer me of all the posts I think shows that you don't think you did wrong. Telling the wife would be wrong so you had to correct me. Having the affair, well....

Come down to me.

Pray tell, why should anyone?

Please stop telling us yours. I don't 'aspire' to them. In fact, I don't succumb to them either.

I just don't like you.

Regardless of how you wish to refrain from educating us from your understanding of matters.

If you had any intelligence, emotional or intellectual, you'd have fucked off a while ago.

Now jog on. To your other thread.

Libraries I took umbrage at your implication I told his wife cos I would have been deliberately hurting her by telling her.

I accept my thought processes were incorrect. I will not be back to this thread but I felt the need to explain.

Sorry if some of my posts have been insensitive. Shutting up now.

I took umbrage at your implication I told his wife cos I would have been deliberately hurting her by telling her.

Do you not think that you were deliberately hurting his wife by screwing her husband...

And you will be back to this thread-you won't be able to help yourself, maybe not to post but certainly to lurk.

You would have been 'deliberately' hurting her if you'd told her?

So both you and your now partner were 'accidentally' hurting her when you slept together behind her back?

Wow. That's a whole other level of denial.