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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long does it take to get over a marriage ending due to an affair

243 replies

ComeDownToMe · 12/11/2015 11:32

Just that really. If the marriage was over 20 years, with kids, and you ended it after finding out he was cheating. How long before the hurt goes and you start moving on.

OP posts:
WorzelsCornyBrows · 13/11/2015 20:34

God your language is so fucking passive. You did this, you are responsible. You can say whatever you want, but actions show who you really are. In your case and your DP, you have trampled all over a family, you have forced his DD into a holiday with you so that you can force her to accept you. You have shown impatience at his DD not accepting you and you have shown impatience about his ex wife not being "over it".

Stop the passive platitudes and accept that if anyone hates you or your DP, it's entirely because of your actions and if they want to hold those grudges forever, they're damn well entitled to.

Buh-bye.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/11/2015 20:40

If I were the ex, I doubt I would ever get over my ex dh bringing someone as deluded and up-her-own-arse as you into our children's lives.

WimpyArseWanks · 13/11/2015 20:45

Absolute bullshit!

JonesTheSteam · 13/11/2015 21:06

There are people who cheat and regret it and make sure they never do it again.

Then there are serial cheats. We all know which one your 'DP' is.

He will cheat on you because he knows no other way of life.

Don't kid yourself that you are so special that you will keep him. You're not.

Then you will understand how the EW feels. You will never understand the damage you have inflicted on his DD as you are incapable of empathy.

The OW in my story asked my H to leave me, said he was her soulmate and that she'd never loved anyone like she loved him, said she'd leave her husband in a heartbeat.

Less than a year later she was dropping her knickers for someone else in the same hotel she'd shagged H in. And then trying to get him to have an affair with her. All because she is bored with her H. And since we've found out that there were two affairs previous to DH.

So dream on love. There are no happy endings for people like you. You will never really trust him and deep down you know that's true.

Neither of you have the emotional intelligence to work out (or even want to work out) why you cheat / shag married men. And because you won't address those issues it will happen again.

Alchemist · 13/11/2015 21:14

ComeDownToMe

I find your posts so cold, cruel and fucking horrible.

I find you are not presenting yourself as well as you can so you appear a right fucking cunt.

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 03:28

Then there are serial cheats. We all know which one your 'DP' is.

I was discussing this the other day with a member who like me discovered her husband had been a serial cheat. People thought that him being a serial cheat would make her heartbreak easier but the opposite is in actual fact true. It makes it worse because you're not looking back at 6 months of a betrayal, you're looking back at decades and t everything in your life is tainted by it.

I suspect the wife of the serial cheat in this thread would find out about her husbands latest carry on and try to get over it each time. She would be working away on her marriage and each time she was doing that the cheat would be eating up all her efforts like a big fat greedy bastard. Because that's what he is on an emotional level - a big fat greedy bastard who has an insatiable appetite for himself and life always has to be about him. And the latter is why he will never have a relationship with someone who is equal - it will always be with someone who is having to try harder/work on a problem/be understanding because..................

I think the OP needs to know if she's waiting for the wife to hurry up and get better because 'its not as if our big fat greedy bastard had only done it once' - she better not be holding her breath!

This bloke sounds like such a cliche - multiple affairs during his marriage as mentioned upthread and now a girl friend who's a couple of decades younger than him. Its a typical mid life crisis Hmm except we know this guy has had more than one crisis in his life - he is crisis prone!

Baconyum · 14/11/2015 04:04

"enable me to work my way through a delicate situation" selfish! As others have said!

MrsC well said as always.

OP doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself. This isn't her first married man and I think it won't be her last. Both her and her mm scummy cheating gits!

Fottfsofatfosm!!

Baconyum · 14/11/2015 04:06

We are not therapists! Stop posting these hurtful selfish posts and go elsewhere for your 'therapy'!

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 05:10

I just had a look at another one of the OP's thread and the naivety is astonishing. Its the cheaters script all laid out in black and white by a mistress. I have a daughter 2 years younger than the OP and if she was in this situation I'd be heartbroken, and not only because I could compare it to my eldest daughter marrying a man of 44 when she was 24. The latter has a wonderful marriage and life whereas the OP is up to her neck in a mess she thinks she's rationalised.

As it happens my now 63 year old husband is with a young woman the same age as our eldest daughter who's 35. He met the young woman when he was about 53 and she was 25. Like the bloke in the OP he was a serial cheat and he was still at home with me till 2 and half years ago when I now know she was expecting their second child. And we were still very much living as man and wife. She had accidentally on purpose become pregnant with their first (and I know this because I have seen correspondence between them) , after 5 years as a mistress and because of where we live there had to be a wedding. He never did believe me that if someone helps you cheat you can never trust them but I guess that because he could trust me with contraception (it was always me who had to) he thought he could trust her. Anyway, a second child later he very recently told me - ah babies just happen!

And whats the point of this, well a lot is said about how a wife should never approach the OW and have it our with her/compare notes etc but Im not convinced it should be avoided. A few months ago my husband rocked up in town with his wife, yes he's a Muslim, a none practicing one, one who has whats known here as secret marriages which are marriages where no one is given their rights as stated in the Koran and the marriage is performed by some dodgy cleric somewhere who forgets about everyones rights for the sake of a few bob. Anyway, he rocked up in town with a wife he had said for a couple of years did not exist, and two children, the eldest who he had claimed till that day was illegitimate and living in the Phillipines with his mum - plus another wee boy. He actually called my children to a hotel and presented their new family to him by saying - SURPRISE SURPRISE!

As you can imagine all hell broke loose and the reason Im saying that it could be a good thing for the wife and the OW to 'compare notes' is because what the OW in my husbands life heard from my children that day was nothing like what she thought had been her reality as the mistress ( even wife) of my husband. She was stunned and just before my husband told their maid to start packing (so he could flee) my daughter said to her - I can see your pillow talk is going to be interesting for some time to come!

The woman didn't have a clue, not a bloody clue, about our life as a married couple/family and in fact my youngest daughter said to me - she reminded me of you mama! She looked just like you at times mama when she was standing there - and not in a good way! It was history repeating itself.

And of course my children heard things they'd rather not have heard but what doesn't kill you will cure you and me and the children have certainly been cured.

And what does my husband now have? Nothing really because his carefully kept apart worlds have now collided, the fallout continues, and a serial cheat only ever leave a bigger mess behind him as time goes by

And what does this OP now have? Nothing. She has nothing except the life of the wife who was married to a serial adulterer.

Its a car crash just waiting to happen.

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 05:22

Im sorry if my post above is a bit disjointed and out of sync. Its difficult to write about a saga and give enough information to help make sense of an opinion whilst not writing so much other posters fall asleep and the plot is lost entirely.

FuckitAndStartAgain · 14/11/2015 11:08

Beautifully written, and a clear illustration of a silly man who will probably never grow up.

ComeDownToMe · 14/11/2015 11:28

I will fuck off but I wish to express the thoughts I ran out of time to say yesterday.

Libraries our age gap is not far off 20 years but is not 20 years which should clarify your point.

Sansoora tis possible you are confusing me with another poster as I ain't said my exact age and I am more than 2 years older than your daughter.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/11/2015 11:35

Just go away, you silly woman

JonesTheSteam · 14/11/2015 11:43

Getting your age correct is more important than addressing the issues surrounding the fact your 'DP' is a serial cheat and you've had more than one relationship with a married man?

And yet you think it's a wonderful relationship rather than actual very seedy reality that you are both completely without morals, empathy or emotional intelligence and that you only became his first choice when his EW booted him out?

Fucking hilarious.

Yep, your priorities are perfect.

Your relationship is ultimately doomed and you know it.

Neither of you are willing to work out why you have behaved in such an appalling selfish manner.

And you, OP, aren't willing to work out why your esteem is so low you are shacked up with a cheat and a liar who didn't choose you. And yet you still need to come here for some sort of validation that he's a good man and you're not a despicable person also.

Grow up. You are.

Affairs happen. We all know that. It is the way you are continuing to behave that make you a morally reprehensible excuse for a human being.

Good luck OP. You're going to need it.

And I guess he will too as I think you are highly likely to cheat again also.

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 11:51

Sansoora tis possible you are confusing me with another poster as I ain't said my exact age and I am more than 2 years older than your daughter

No. No confusion what so ever. And you have previously said how old you are.

Perhaps somewhere along the line you've changed personal details when posting and now you cant recall when and what you've said.

ComeDownToMe · 14/11/2015 11:51

Bath you can make all the claims you like about my thoughts. Shame they are all wrong and actually insulting.

I am not gloating nor on some sort of sick victory parade. Why the fucking hell would I get a buzz out if hurting anyone. I really don't get some of the comments on here.

You may choose to think all OW are heartless bitches who revel in hurting the ex and getting one up on her but the reality is far from it. Yeah I do know an ex-OW who is a fucking nasty cruel bitch but I am nothing like her.

I fell in love with a man I shouldn't have and he chose to act on his feelings. It was wrong and selfish but it does not make us horrible people. Good people do bad things. After his wife found out and threw him out we have done as much as we can to make it as easy as possible for his ex-wife and DCs. We do feel shame and guilt but our lives cannot be forever dictated by the selfish decisions we made.

FYI he does not now regret his wife throwing him out. I would have felt more guilt if he had left her for me so it ain't eating away at me.

Sansoora your comment suggesting I get off on taking a man off another woman is offensive and inaccurate.

Alchemist I was badly hurt in my 20s but have long since been over it.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 14/11/2015 11:54

Sansoora your comment suggesting I get off on taking a man off another woman is offensive and inaccurate.

And the band played on.

ComeDownToMe · 14/11/2015 11:56

Sansoora I posted on another thread where ages were given but it was not my thread. I am pretty sure I have not said my exact age as I prefer to give vague details on here so for that reason I have not had to change personal details.

OP posts:
InTheBox · 14/11/2015 12:00

Have you not fucked off yet? I think you are rather enjoying this.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/11/2015 12:01

I fell in love with a man I shouldn't have and he chose to act on his feelings. It was wrong and selfish but it does not make us horrible people.

Thats one way of putting it. The other way is:

You have had a succession of affairs with married men. Your philosophy has always been if they don't find out its ok. You wanted a sexual relationship with him. He wasn't keen at first, but he has had many OW throughout his marriage so thought what the heck. Unfortunately, this time, the wife snooped and threw him out.

It ain't eating away at me. Something IS bothering you though otherwise you wouldn't keep posting threat after thread.

JonesTheSteam · 14/11/2015 12:02

I fell in love with a man I shouldn't have and he chose to act on his feelings. It was wrong and selfish but it does not make us horrible people.

FYI he does not now regret his wife throwing him out. I would have felt more guilt if he had left her for me so it ain't eating away at me.

The second statement does make you horrible selfish people! It's that's simple.

Vile excuses for human beings who still think what you did was OK because you have your happily ever after! (Yeah, right!)

ComeDownToMe · 14/11/2015 12:06

Jones no it is not important but the pedant in me came out.

To address the issues you mention DP cheated cos he was not happy in his marriage but had kids, responsibilities and finances tied up with his wife so did not leave.

I got into relationships mainly when I was young which I should not have done, I have no excuse for that. However anything I got into was instigated by the MM, I did not do the chasing, and until now nobody had got hurt. I know it was still wrong.

It is very easy for me to stay faithful to my DP. I would never cheat on him.

OP posts:
ComeDownToMe · 14/11/2015 12:11

aka we both want his ex-wife to have a wonderful, fulfilling and joyous life too. Mainly why I asked my original question.

Well I am not trying to 'compete' with his ex-wife. Strange comment.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 14/11/2015 12:13

Have you not fucked off yet? I think you are rather enjoying this.

Yes. You're right.

She obviously doesn't understand that not all attention is good attention.

ComeDownToMe · 14/11/2015 12:16

Bacon I have lots of sympathy for his ex-wife and kids. I never intended for anyone to get hurt when we started our affair. I have a lot of guilt as a result of her finding out.

Ender I am not cold and callous nor do I expect any of you to believe me sadly.

OP posts:
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