Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

Ha! is not wise after recent two day hangover!

Hair of the dog
I can hear my chianti softly calling my name
Just the one bottle glass mind you

I have one bottle of prosecco and my favourite bottle of sparkling rose chilled in the fridge... Oh the restraint required!

I also got said poncey bottles of wine in waitrose and can therefore fully justify feeling smug and superior and not like a problem drinker whilst consuming them...

I give you your one bottle of prosecco and will raise you five chilled two glass mini bottles of prosecco. . . All lined up neatly next to the eggs. Job done.

It's because you wanted to know if you would be an arse for asking your GF to go on contraception which, really, whatever the reason for it - yes you would.

Most posters on here would be frustrated that you lack the basic respect for a woman's bodily autonomy that you would even ask whether that would make you an arse.

FFS, this is hysterical.

My ex asked me to go on contraception. I didn't think he was lacking in respect for my bodily autonomy Isn't that what couples do at some point? Talk about long term contraception? He said he wanted to ask her, not force her. I'm assuming that she is quite capable of saying no.

I am so glad I don't go around with this nasty view point that I have to judge a man who asks his gf if she will consider contraception as a person who has no respect for bodily autonomy.

What an awful way to live to read so much into things and judge men so harshly.

This thread says some shit things about Me.

Yes, lots of the time men ask women to go on contraception.

What should happen is couples talk about their feelings and make their own decisions with reference to their partner's feelings and choices.

Asking someone else to go on contraception is not respectful and yes, is an arseholey thing to do.

Big difference is levels of respect between 'please will you go on contraception' and 'I'm worried about our current method. How do you feel?'

Asking her to do it vs asking her how she feels about it.

In recognition that he may have said one thing when he meant to do the other my first post said asking her to do it was arsey and talking about it together wasn't.

The rest of my contributions have been about the sexism I perceive in his posts... And wine...

Well I'm on the cheap reduced to a fiver yellow tail merlot. Veeery naughty on a school night and I will pay for it tomorrow!

Offred I did actually read the full thread, but I must admit I skimmed a few posts so probably missed it in there. Blame the wine!

I am still struggling to see how 'I am fine using condoms but wondered how you would feel with a different method as I really enjoy it' is that awful!?! If a woman asked her husband not to use condoms any more would you judge her so harshly for it? Not being antagonistic, just wondering why the womans opinion trumps the mans. Surely he has a right to an opinion with regards to his body as much as she has?

I'd take a dim view of a woman asking a man not to use condoms as that's effectively asking a man to hand over his control over his fertility and protection from STIs!

But meh, 'twas the thread title that got me going. Asking her to go on contraception would not be a decent thing to do. Especially when at that point he knew she had before and it wasn't something she decided to continue with.

I've decided to crack open a bottle of mild... Safer than a bottle of wine

Women's feelings don't trump men's IMO but it is important to recognise that women bear all of the risks/costs of pregnancy and the vast majority of the risks/costs of contraception. The risks are generally greater for women. Men do need to be conscious of that fact when discussing contraception.

I'd be less irritated by the conversation about it but the OP seems to have confessed that he wrapped up the issue in an oh-so-conveniently-timed discussion about babies and the future and what a special bond they have (instead of a 'discussion' of how he wants her to manage their contraception so he can jizz in her).

True. I think we are in agreement!

Wine is bad. Bad wine.

But also some of it is dependent on the actual relationship. A husband of 10 years asking you to take contraception is less likely to be disrespectful/dodgy than a boyfriend of 6 months.

I also get a little uncomfortable with men who use condoms with women on one night stands/casual flings but who want to jib them off in a relationship because they trust their partner. That's mainly because I think it is highly ill advised to rely on trust for contraception if you don't want a baby and partly because I suspect men who feel that way are more likely to call 'babytrap' if contraception fails.

Ah wine is lovely horsey... Lovely wine!

It's malibu or Tia Maria you should all be drinking!

No Offred? - that is what the wine WANTS you to think!

Too sweet!!!

see, it made me put a question mark after your name!

You aren't meant to hate the wine until tomorrow horsey! Ha ha ha!

eeewwww Tia Maria! I haven't had that for years. Foul stuff. Give me a nice peaty single malt any day.

I'm anticipating the hangover. I'm organised.

A nahs pahnt o' mild...

3.7%...

Just missing the old man pub with the sticky carpet!

Whisky/whiskey is the only thing I cannot drink. Last time I had some I sat in the middle of the road and waited to be run over.

That was 13 years ago!