Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

A sexual health clinic will not necessarily be happy to see a couple together btw. Since the majority of contraception involves health risks/effects for the woman they usually want to see each partner alone to give information to prevent women being pressured into something they don't want.

And I thought MN was a place where we come to ask for advice, help etc. Why are so many quite to jump on OP. Most young people nowadays quote 'shag first, consequences later.' He's being bloody sensible to be so adamant about contraception.

As for being offended by being called girls, ladies, whatever... Ridiculous. You are looking for an argument.

Why not accept that sometimes people don't say the right thing or use the right words. Look at the bigger picture instead of nit picking and looking for a fight...

glad you got it all sorted OP. You and DP sound very responsible and in love

Offred You sound like an absolute nightmare.

I'm sure, if you are sexist then I am.

Imagine the nightmare unleashed on poor men who might be expected to actually consider me having input in decisions that affect my life! Wow, poor guys...

You might not have a "violent agenda" OP but you are absolutely using the language of male violence against women to talk in those terms about sex.

If you say so Offred

Well maybe you'd like to articulate exactly why you feel expecting to be included in decisions about my own life such as when, where and whom I holiday with, whether I get married etc makes me a nightmare?

3sugarsplease, sorry but who in their right minds seriously quotes "shag first, consequence later"?

I've never heard of that one (and I'm young)

Auntbess you have just proved the point of my statement...

FWIW. well done tarpy for asking here what you wanted to know. It'd be next to useless to ask a bunch of mates this sort of thing least the ones i knew when younger would have been. I cannot think its improved over time!

No form of contraception is 100% OK apart from total abstention which isn't that much cop, all have swings and roundabouts. Hormonal as such can work very well as it puts your GF off the idea of wanting it in the first place!

Yes the pill in its variants does work with some women better than others you sometimes have to try a few brands and types before you find the least side effects like most all drugs of that ilk.

Coils can work very well but mainly for women who have given birth but they are not often used for nulliparous women. Diaphragms and suchlike can work well used with care but they aren't as spontaneous as some might like. Anyone suggested you see a Family planning contraception clinic at the hospital most have one. GP's aren't sometimes the best especially fitting coils we had two instances where the job was bished FP clinics have far more experience and know how.

As regards direct skin to skin contact, yep had many GF's/ partners over the years say "don't bother with the rubber tonight, I want you"!. Most did have a good idea about their safer time of the month.

Smashed the back doors in eh?, new one on me, i thought that anal was simply "A" these days. Anyone who wants further offending look at the urban dictionary, its grim but they tell me its how they put it now;(

www.urbandictionary.com/

Finally some might say it's a nice surprise re the holiday, others will say its controlling and sexist etc i suppose it's how you think she might react you know her best, we don't. If it were my now ex she'd have fainted from the shock!.

Women and or girls and or? the mob heron, you lot, board members sure you can upset someone and do bear in mind not all here are female some men around I fall into that as a parent and a single one.

Best is perhaps "mumsnetters" don't think that will cause too much upset!

Bloody Nora, some of you REALLY need to lighten up a bit!

If you posted on a male dominated forum as a woman asking advice and received replies worded like the ones you gave, I doubt you would appreciate it. There as so many 'orrible blokes in the world, and I'm sure we all have come across them, should we not be giving good advice and no judgement to the ones who actually care enough about their GF to actually ask?!

The holiday sounds lovely. I would be over the moon if my (hypothetical!) BF was thoughtful enough to arrange such a wonderful surprise.

I think some posters are looking for proof that all men are arseholes. When that isn't true.

Asking your gf to take full responsibility for contraception is caring is it?

That's a fairly low bar to jump...

With regards to the 'smash the back doors in' comment, The poor guy was using it as an example of why he COULDN'T discuss this subject on a male forum! He certainly didn't say he uses the phrase himself; if you notice he carefully put it in little things called quote marks, which denote a phrase spoken/typed by ANOTHER PERSON! I think the point he was (not very eloquently) trying to make is that men find it very hard to discuss matters like these between themselves without turning it into a laddish pissing contest. The struggle to vocalise true feelings and thought on delicate matters for fear of being seen as weak. 'Tis an evolutionary thing I think. My club is bigger than your club etc.

some immature people find it difficult to discuss things like this.

Tis sexist to tar a whole group with the same brush. If all the OP's mates are this type of idiot then not unreasonable to suggest he might benefit from seeking out some better ones...

no, I think wanting to discuss the matter in a sensitive way is caring. Hence his asking for advice on how to broach it.

And why shouldn't men be allowed to have a preference to contraception!?! Why is it ok for the male to have complete responsibility but unfair to ask a woman too?! Yes, women have the right to say what happens to their bodies, of course they do, but why don't men?

I don't think he was talking about his friends. If he was and I missed it I apologise, but I'm sure he was talking about why he wouldn't ask on a male dominated forum.

I just can't be arsed arguing with you Offred. Anyone who equates a surprise few days away with sexist, controlling behaviour is just fucking ridiculous IMO. You seem to be one of those women who actively look for something to moan about and nit pick. I agree with horsey.

Yay, I'm not mad!! thank you supermanspants!

And we knew the point he was making - men are from Mars women are from Venus innit?

Except they aren't really and there are just people. If you have been conditioned into holding sexist beliefs it stands to reason the people around you (men and women) also will be as people tend to mix with people who share their values. This perpetuates sexism, racism etc as it provides daily confirmation of the validity of your beliefs...

He said his mates in the subsequent post.

Supermanspants - I reserve the right to interpret your insults and unwillingness to offer a reasoned argument as an inability to form one...

Georgie a subsequent poster, not the OP, argued that the "smash" comment referred to anal sex, not rape. I pointed out it refers to both. The op then tried to defend it.

You got me there Offred damn it

Though I am vaguely amused that disagreeing with the OP is considered "hysterical". Oh bestill my wandering womb, if only it would let me form a logical argument.

As for being offended by being called girls, ladies, whatever... Ridiculous. You are looking for an argument.
Why not accept that sometimes people don't say the right thing or use the right words

It's called educating. Not picking a fight. Unless the other person insists on using the terms they were advised not to. Which didn't happen in this case.

Ah didn't see that couldn't be arsed to wade through all 7 pages

I think men ARE different personally. There are countless scientific studies that prove beyond all doubt that men and women process things in different ways. This may be social condition or it may be evolutionary in basis.