I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

[0verNow]

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

And what would you say to your friend/daughter/poster in the same situation. You know what you need to do, you need to get yourself and your DC away from this man. You need to find the courage to do that. Doubting your own decision just shows how shot your self esteem is and what a number he has done on you.

Not one person has told you to stay with this man - not one. What does that show you about your 'marriage'?

He might have turned over a new leaf (although I very much doubt it). But you don't trust him, you don't love him, you don't like him, you can't stand being around him...your kids will pick up on that one day and ask why. Your eldest must be about 7 at the most? That is so young. Kids are so adaptable at that age. I'm not saying a divorce won't affect them at all, of course it will to an extent but that's better than the alternative. I actually think older children/teenagers struggle more with divorce but even if they were that age, my answer would still be the same. At 7 and younger they'll barely remember any differently from you being apart. It'll just be normal for them.

And honestly, how can you spend happy, family time together with a man you don't even like? You can't even be comfortable in your own home. You and your husband are the primary relationship role model for them. You can either teach them that you tried to work it out but it didn't work and you're happier apart and there's no failure in that; or you can teach them that it's okay for men to repeatedly lie to women, to stay in a relationship with a man you can't stand in case you end up alone? But you're already alone - at least if you split you won't have to take naps to avoid someone.

Do you honestly think you could live with this man for another 10 years? I know I'd snap long before then.

Your kids will be damaged if you stay. I'm not even going to qualify that - they just will be.

I'm AMAZED you're dithering about this. It is as clear as day.

Btw I hope you're disguising facts in your posts. If he found the last two he'll find this.

I'm passed caring if he finds these threads.

If you need permission to leave, we are giving you that permission. If you need a crystal ball showing a happier future without your DH - we can't give you that. But imagine what it will be like if you stay . . .you don't like, love or trust him. This relationship isn't your happy ending but if you leave, your DCs will have a chance of having happy relationships when they are older.

It's DC1's birthday in 2 weeks. I think I'll do it after that.

Xmas is coming soon.

What about Xmas ? Perhaps you should wait until after then....

Or perhaps you should accept there will always be something coming up that will always allow you to delay the inevitable ?

I think you are very sad and very frightened but you are also clear, your marriage is over, dead in the water.

You can't stand him touching you, the past good time weren't that great.

Your DC aren't learning anything positive about relationships.

It's over, rip the plaster off and step toward the future

I've never seen a man in this type of situation turn over a new leaf and stick to it. You'll get a bit of lovebombing when he thinks you're going to leave him, but once that moment's past it's business as usual.

You certainly won't find another relationship whilst you stay in this one.

Walk away. Get yourself sorted, enjoy being on your own and learn to love yourself. Trite I know but please try it.

OP - at the risk of upsetting you...

A crystal ball to see into the future and check I'm making the right decision

We ALL would like to do this. But life is not like that. You have to take all the information available to you on a certain date and make a decision. You are currently in a very abusive relationship and you are dithering and faffing and there will always be another event coming up that you can make the break after. Christmas, Easter, End of school, Summer holidays, Halloween oops that's another year gone.

At what point is your light bulb moment going to come? No child wants to grow up in an environment like this...so just bloody do it.

Love. Start looking for a place to get out to now. It could take a few weeks to pull everything together.

Let me absolutely promise you that you leaving will be the MAKING of your children, not the breaking of them.

It's DC1's birthday in 2 weeks. I think I'll do it after that
What will you do ?
Do you have money, paperwork? A lawyer ? A place to go ? Or are you hoping to be able to throw him out ?

I know you are scared, but imagine a lifetime in a marriage with someone you hate with every cell? What hatred you feel for him now is nothing in comparison to what will grow. Imagine your dc growing up in that fetid environment? Imagine how that will shape the relationships they have? Imagine how much it will hurt you if you see your children repeating the only life they know? Inflicting your hell on their children?

It's a leap of faith to you now, but nothing like as big a step to take as you think it is. It'll take more energy to stay. Those of us who have left men like your husband, scarier than and milder than are here in the hundreds.

NOT ONE OF US WILL EVER REGRET LEAVING OUR ABUSIVE EXES. Every single one of us will have seen our children bloom before our eyes, having emerged from the poisonous smog of that dead relationship.

I don't have a crystal ball, only experience, and I can tell you that leaving him will be better than staying. You won't look back.

Ok, is he the guy who pretended to have cancer and Got a tattoo of a scar?

No, he's not the fake cancer guy. He's not that bad.

Yeah the fake counselling he's a keeper........

I'm pretty sure I remember your prior thread.

You don't trust him. You don't love him. He refuses to accept responsibility for his actions. He is not kind to you. Any one of those is enough to end a marriage. You have all four.

Children adjust to divorce. It's not the 'stigma' it was years ago. It's rather 'the norm' these days that children have one or more friends who has divorced parents.

How do you tell him? You just say "I've tried as hard as I can. I've given all I have. I'm done, I have no more left in me. I want a divorce".

Oh, I'm not saying he's a keeper. But it takes a special kind of evil go fake cancer. I'm shocked that you'd think H is on the same level as that, to be honest.

really, you are shocked that someone might think he was the one faked cancer ?

I just wanted to say that you are not too old for a new relationship at 40. My sister divorced her husband when she was 60 and is currently in a loving relationship, so please don't let that be the reason why you decide to stay in yours.

It's obviously your choice but I can't personally imagine remaining with a man who I no longer liked, let alone loved.

Whatever you decide I wish you the very best in the future.

Really? I don't see much to choose between him and fake cancer guy they are both compulsive liars, and at least the other guy didn't get sacked.

Xpost AF - quite!

op, he is that bad

he might not have lied about cancer (although there is still time for that) but in plenty of other ways he has proved himself to be a low-life deceiver and manipulator

just the words used are a different flavour

Yes, I'm truly shocked that they could be compared. Honestly. It's different when it's your life.