I'm turning into one of THOSE posters...

[0verNow]

...with multiple threads asking for advice about the same situation.

I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage. I'm not looking for different advice from previous threads, but two of my other threads had to be deleted because DH found them, and the other is now quite long and things have moved on a bit - so I thought it might be better to start a new thread.

In summary, DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4 years and have 3 DCs.

There have been three issues in our marriage.

1. Right from the early days of our relationship, DH has been low-level EA. The kind of 'death by a thousand cuts' EA that sounds petty on paper but grinds your love to dust. This is the issue that brought us to counselling in the first place. DH is adamant that he wasn't deliberately abusive, just thoughtless and entitled and self-centred.

Since we started counselling, two more issues have emerged, each much more damaging (in my opinion) than the first.

2. Financial abuse. (I'm the poster whose DH spent £16k on counselling and lied to me about it.) I just didn't see it - in fact, DH had me convinced that I was crap with money. I'm still kicking myself that I was so blind.

3. DH's lies. He has lied about small things, and (at least) two enormous things (that I know of). I think lying is his default setting whenever it's more convenient than telling the truth.

Of these, 2 is largely resolved going forward. I have separated my finances from his, and although I still don't have access to our historic savings DH has offered to add me to all of his accounts.

1 is tricky. DH has been treating me well for 3 months now. I'd be interested to hear whether people think this is a new, improved DH - or just the old one on best behaviour, in which case he's likely to revert to type when he starts to relax.

But 3 is the big one for me. I don't know that I can get passed it.

There is one event which I'm particularly struggling with. It happened in 2007, and DH has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He was even still lying about it after counselling started. He has now given me 4 different versions of what happened, each one painting him in steadily worse light. The last version, which only came out last week because our counsellor forced the position, involved him covering up behaviour at work which was gross misconduct at best, and possibly criminal.

DH says that it all happened more than 8 years ago, and that living through the consequences of his 2007 behaviour has fundamentally changed him as a person.

But from my perspective, it's not 8 years old, it's all new to me. And it's not just the event from 8 years ago, it's the lies he's been telling me ever since. And I'm not at all convinced that he has changed as a person - given the ongoing lies, big and small.

I don't trust him. I still don't know if I've got to the truth about what happened in 2007. I don't know if there are other things still to discover.

If I'd known the truth 8 years ago, I would have left him. I'm very clear about that. But we didn't have DCs 8 years ago, and now we do (DC1 was conceived in the immediate aftermath).

I'm also very clear that I would not be with him now were it not for the DCs.

Am I being unreasonable to end my marriage over something that happened 8 years ago? Will my DCs hate me for splitting up their home?

I just want to do what's for the best, primarily for the DCs but also for myself.

It's better to be from a broken home, than in one.

Do the right thing for your kids and remove them from this toxic, abusive situation.

LTB. Honestly, there is a better life waiting for you out there. Your children will be fine.

It's threads like these that make me actually glad my exH had an affair and left me- it was brutal but at least it took the decision out of my hands. It was only once he'd gone and I saw how much better my life was without him that I realised how awful our marriage had been for years.

A home with one parent is not necessarily broken - but the home you are living in at the moment, most certainly is.

How do you tell someone it's over?

Op, my parents stayed together for me, and later my dsis. They are still together, after 40 years, because my mum cant face the upheaval of leaving in her late 60's. (Or her fifties, come to that)

My sister and I have both been in and out of crap relationships, and have unhealthy relationships with alcohol. (Df is a high functioning alcoholic and booze was very normalised growing up).

I can't remember the last time I saw either of them laugh, really laugh, together. Not in the last 20 years at least. My parents should have divorced a long time ago, staying together has made them both desperately unhappy, and messed my sister and I up in the process.

As for being too old at 40, Pah! I met my lovely dh in my late 30's, had dd at 37 and am fairly sure I could still pull if I wanted to at 42. I have a friend who is getting married in a few weeks at 49! Your dh has made you think this, but it isn't the reality, it really isn't.

You just say 'It's over'. It's that simple.

You don't even need to justify it.

0verNow

I think only you can decide to leave and mean it, but I am on my second divorce and I am 38. Do I care?, No. I cannot stay with a man who is very similar to your husband so I told him it needed to end.

I have two children. One from my first marriage, and one from this one. My eldest (14) is effected but he is relieved because the atmosphere at home has been awful for the last 4 years. My youngest (5) is sad but that is because she has been fed loads of rubbish by her Dad and his family.

Well he's not going to be surprised when you tell him it's over is he?

Surely you are discussing the possibility of your marriage ending in your counselling. He knows it's on the cards. That's why he's paying thousands, to convince you to stay.

My mum was too overwhelmed to leave my abusive dad and she also strongly believed that once you committed to marriage vows then that was that. I hated my dad yet I married pretty much exactly the same kind of man without realising because his behaviour was so normalised for me. It took me 17 years to see the light. Ironically if you'd described the same situation about someone else's life I'd had spotted the similarities immediately! But because he "loved" me I unknowingly minimised his behaviour.

Please don't let this be your DC.

My dad had a love life in his seventies that was legendary

(and respectful)

You don't need a reason to end the marriage. It's not like being on trial for murder. You don't need to provide evidence.

In fact, I would say that the less evidence you provide the better, as the cunt you are married to will justify any action, explain away and minimise any hurt feelings and keep you unhappily trapped so that your kids learn that the woman has to just take whatever is thrown at her and has no right to leave.

Ending it for you is by you and you alone deciding and then declaring that it is over.

Simple, not easy, but that is what you would do.

If you had known then, what you know now, you wouldn't have stayed. You had the DC in the immediate aftermath: its not impossible he did this on purpose to keep you tied. Don't fall for it, just go.

Show your DC what to do if they ever get stuck like this. Be strong and get yourself free.

All the very best.

OP you can end your marriage whenever you like and for any reason you like. Everyone here agrees that ending it would be best for you and your DC. Please feel free to post your story as many times as you need to. I, along with many others, am happy to support you in making your own decision understand that this is a process for you. There is a better life waiting for you and your DC.

Financial wizard - I admire you and your attitude. What a fab mum your kids have. I hope life improves for you all.

I will jut start by saying you are not to old to meet someone new , you may be here for another 50 years ! Imagine spending that with someone you truly love and having a settled happy fulfilling life instead of what you currently have , lies, misery , ea and even without all that just the fact your existing in a relationship with someone you no longer love or even really like is bad enough !

You know if you had simply fallen out of love that would be enough to leave life is to short to spend decades with someone that you don't want to be with !

Also you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy ! There seems to still be such a sad trend to think relationship equals happiness and success to the point that a shit relationship is preferable to none at all

No!!!

I don't obviously know the full story regarding what happened at work but it's obviously something you can't get over and the lies surrounding it mean as you say this is actually new to you so your feeling regarding it are still are were as I'm sure he wants to just forget about it so I'm not sure you will resolve anything there

I think you should sit down with him either alone or through counselling and spell out exactly everything that bothers you and everything that needs to change but in all honesty it sounds as though you have done that .... I'd give your self a timescale after that to see how you feel in say 3 months

It is hard to make the leap especially when dc are involved I know it's hard because I have done it and it took me a long time to make the decision , a long time of ea and general misery but I did it and iv never been happier .

"My gut instinct is that our relationship is dead. I can't bear him touching me. I don't even like him very much, let alone love him."

That would be enough to end it.

"But my gut instinct is also that the DCs will be damaged if we split. And that I will end up alone and desperately lonely. I'm 40, too old to start another relationship, even if someone wanted me."

This is always posted by people who (a) DO want to end their relationships; and (b) are too scared to. DC's won't be damaged by the split. If anything, they will be relieved. Who wants to live in a house with parents who do not love each other. You are only 40. You're not too old. I met my late fiance when I was 43. Happy days! I'm now 52 and on my own, but that's cool. I'm happy with it. I have a very full life and am content. You will only end up desperately lonely if YOU allow yourself to. And if you do, that will be because of self-pity. You'll never be lonely if you love yourself.

He keeps saying that he knows he's done wrong but that I mustn't forget that we had good times too.

My take is that (i) the good times weren't that good for me anyway; and (ii) they were all built on lies.

If you want to get away, and I think you do even though it is massively scary, then don't discuss it. 'it's just not working for me anymore' is fine. You do not have to explain it to him. Avoid discussion as much as possible. Don't give him ammunitions - he is not your friend!

hugs, it isn't easy.

Over , what is it that's stopping you ?
You keep coming back for advice so you seem to be looking for something. I do sympathise lots of people in your position would doubt their own decisions, have been so lied to and manipulated they doubt their own reality. Yet you do seem to understand how awful your position is, yet lack the confidence to act.
are you hoping that one person will come along and give you the perfect answer?
or are you wondering if someone will come along and give you the advice that will allow you to go back? The desire to return to "normal" get back your routines and security is enormous, and it feels slightly shaming to want it, even though you know how bad it is really, letting go of that dream of future is so hard. but all the time you dont let it go is time you could have been building something new and better.

Op he won't even give you privacy here as he's 'found' two threads. That's not normal

What am I looking for? A crystal ball to see into the future and check I'm making the right decision. And a time machine to get through the next 6 months.

But my gut instinct is also that the DCs will be damaged if we split.

When I broke up with my compulsive liar ex, after years of lies lies lies + financial abuse + occasional physical abuse + more lies, he told me that he knew he'd done wrong but I should stay with him anyway. Why? "Because my dad has done worse to my mum, and she never left, so I feel like if you loved me enough you'd stay."

Posted too soon!

What I meant to add was: please don't let your children grow up with that kind of role model for what love should look like.

If youre not sure your making the right decision, what would the wrong decision look like ?
it can be surprisngly powerful to just write things down

also..dont beat yourself up about decisions you make - you dont have to get it perfectly right, just good enough, you dont have to live to a higher standard of behaviour than the rest of the world