Dumped

[Springheeled]

Have just been dumped after 7 months. At least, think I have. I feel like I want to die. Not literally, I mean, I am not suicidal, but the hours are passing so slowly and I keep crying.

I'm sorry op but he sounds like an arse.
Ignoring you like this is just cruel & heartless.
If he contacts you again ( after he's made you suffer ) tell him to go fuck himself.

Sorry to be so blunt - but he's hurting you deliberately. If he had any respect for you he wouldn't be doing this, he'd contact you & explain what's going on, even if was bad news.

If you want to stop feeling paralysed decide to do something. You'll feel better if you take some control back. That could be you deciding that it is over, that what he has done is unacceptable, and that you won't be treated so shabbily. You can either block, or text to end and then block. It can't be worse than endlessly hanging on like this.

No Liney he said he wanted to leave and that it wasn't the end, but then texted the next morning to say he didn't think things were going to be ok. Then nothing.

Initially it was space, he said he was drained.

Surely it's usual to say 'please stop messaging me now as it is over' or 'I'm having real trouble deciding what to do; give me a couple of days' or just anything! Unless your fingers have been chopped off or something.

I think he probably will text you tonight or tomorrow. But you need to be incredibly careful about what you do from here on in.

It all sounds a bit intense for you, especially as its your home and your family involved.

it's

Yes, exactly. I hope he doesn't text or cal l tbh, I hope it is final. Because I can just move on, eventually. It always worried me that everything had fast forwarded. It was circumstantial but still.

You can make it final yourself. You'll still feel like shit but at least you'll know without waiting for him to get in touch. And avoid being so grateful you run straight back in. Till he does it again.

I honestly don't think he will do that kind of thing- I mean, take me back and then do it again. I think it is over, but I can't understand why he wouldn't just say so properly.

You can take control of this op.

Put his stuff in a shed, send him a final text saying "your stuff is in the shed, please arrange to have it collected by Friday or I will be taking all to the charity shop." In fact if he has a friend who is local you could contact them first and say "x and I have split, he's refusing to talk to me has just left after an argument and said it's over, is there any way I could just drop his stuff at yours?" then text him to tell him where it is. That way you never have to speak to him again.

Then block his number and forget about him. I know it's brutal but it's only been seven months. This wasn't even a long-term relationship yet, regardless of how serious he said it was.

It doesn't matter whose "fault" the argument was. People row about silly things sometimes. Iirc the first row me and dp ever had was because i couldn't get a piece of software on my computer working and I was stroppy at it rather than dp but he bore the brunt of it. the difference though is that most rows don't end up in someone needing space and then ending a relationship.

But you need to pull yourself together. I know it's upsetting but feeling paralysed and unable to breathe is a disproportionate reaction, it will take hold if you let it. Don't let it. Order a takeaway with the kids, tell them that you've split up, that way there's no chance of you taking him back, and then get on with your life.

Yes it will take a bit of time for you to stop thinking about him but it will get better I promise, and no contact will help immensely with that.

Did he know that your previous partner gave out the silent treatment? Was he aware of how you felt when that happened? If so, he is being very cruel.

Also, if this behaviour is how he conducts himself in the world, then a longer relationship would be such very hard work.

Seven months is not long really. Just enough time to find out that he's no good at working through things to find resolutions. He just fucks off shuts down. No good. He is no good as a long term relationship prospect. Lucky you've discovered this now. Sorry you're feeling so shit though

And that is why I think he is controlling. Did you honestly think he would do the sort of thing he has done? If yes, well everything was far from ideal anyhow. If not, well better you have the head's up sooner rather than later.

incidentally are you on social media? has he removed you from his fb friend list yet? changed your relationship status?

Have you ever googled him?

I would say that the fact he has been able to just cut and run is probably a sign that he has form. It woudn't surprise me in the slightest if there is a string of women he's done this to in the past. I don't imagine he's a player per se but almost certainly a user.

How did you meet? How did his ex react to the fact that you'd already met his kids? Why did he and his ex split incidentally?

How soon was it before he moved in?

You are right. I think the reaction is so extreme because first he was a huge part of my life, a live in partner for six months, the first person I have lived with since being married. Secondly because it is a bolt from the blue, really. And because it brings back really traumatic memories of my ex's behaviour.
He doesn't have any friends I know of locally. I could drop it at work?

No nothing has changed in the world of social media.
I gather his ex met somebody else.

If he virtually moved in after a few weeks, may I ask why?

ok.

Firstly the reminders of the past is normal. If you've had any kind of traumatic past or abusive relationship or similar then it is normal for there to sometimes be triggers in future relationships. I didn't have a traumatic past per se but there are certainly things which i really can't go into here but which have been triggered for me during rows/discussions in my current relationship and they don't even all have to be as a result of a row. The difference here is that I can articulate to my dp that something has been triggered and we can discuss it. In fact usually we can recognise this fact (and my dp has an extremely traumatic past so it goes both ways) and we communicate about it.

It seems that you and your dp fell at the communication hurdle, and that he lacks the empathy to be able to realise that he was behaving in the same way as your ex did.

The fact he has no friends at all nearby would be a bit of a concern for me. Where was he living then before he moved in with you?

He gave up the house here to rent close to the dcs, intending to commute, that plan was already underway when we got together. See where the mistrust could stem from?

And did you ever actually see this house? the one which he had locally?

How long had he lived here before you met?

Yes, he lived in the neighbourhood. For a year or so, moved up here for work after marriage break up

The few weeks when he still had the house were lovely.

possibly broken but I wonder whether this is a different thing. My theory is that this job was never permanent and this house was at best a short term thing if it ever actually existed at all.

I wonder whether in fact he takes contract jobs all over the country, finds a woman to be in a relationship with, spend all their time together, she has a place to live, and then when the contract comes to an end he runs.

Can you see his past fb op? What's there before you?