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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped

196 replies

Springheeled · 30/10/2015 17:40

Have just been dumped after 7 months. At least, think I have. I feel like I want to die. Not literally, I mean, I am not suicidal, but the hours are passing so slowly and I keep crying.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 31/10/2015 12:07

how could it be just bits and bobs if he lives there?

or is it essentially the case that he lives down near his kids but has been staying there of late because he's out of work so essentially it's come down to the fact he's sort of moved in but not, and therefore doesn't consider himself to be living there and thus not contributing?

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 12:20

No, he lives with me in the week and the odd weekend

OP posts:
Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 12:20

He's not out of work (yet)

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Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 12:36

I really want to talk about things openly but can't, already said enough. He was due to move in fully and pay halves but at some point in the future and all dependent on job situation.

OP posts:
notmrscookie · 31/10/2015 14:02

I wonder if he though you would sub him so he could still afford to keep his house down south to the same standard and protect his image and go without yourself ..

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 14:06

I just don't think he is Machiavellian like that. I just wish he would talk

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 31/10/2015 14:11

I think it would help if you could give more details on here, to get further support.

It should be possible to give enough details which aren't necessarily identifying. It could help you a lot . Because from what you have hinted at, this man has reacted very badly to you asking him to pay his fair share.

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 14:24

The argument was over more than that but that is one of the things he reacted badly to- not because he doesn't want to be fair though, I don't think. He hasn't been in a position to be. But it is something that has niggled at me for a long while though entirely my fault for not being straight up earlier.!

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Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 14:42

I'm really not being deliberately obtuse, but I love this man and am uncomfortable sharing details. Basically he works nearby and lives with me in the week then most but not all weekends goes back South to have weekends with the dc, or some odd scraps with them on non access weekends. It's been this way since the start. The company he works for here is closing and he has been struggling to find another job to go to. It's tough for him.

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 31/10/2015 14:54

So, he has worked near you and therefore lived in your home?
I may have missed this - but does he contribute at all to your household?

Funny how he has stormed off as the job comes to an end, and therefore his requirement for free board and lodgings is not a necessity anymore? (I am too cynical)

HuckfromScandal · 31/10/2015 14:57

This is hard for youto hear, and I know that you are hurting, but the man is not worthy of you.

You have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 14:58

Oh don't Huck, please :( I can't believe that of him, he has been so lovely with the dcs, our dcs get on, he has been so good to me and for me in so many ways and :((((((

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 31/10/2015 15:10

But, he hasn't been lovely now.
He has been horrible. Why -
Now - even if you were wrong to brig up the subject - what makes him think that his response is reasonable.
And if not reasonable, certainly not the response of someone who puports to love you.

Actions speak louder than words.
His actions right now speak really loudly to me!!!! Listen to them please.

Squeegle · 31/10/2015 15:19

I do agree with huck, his reaction is very out of proportion

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 15:23

Well not so disproportionate as it has been such a tough time and I think he must feel under a lot of pressure- it's not easy out there in the job market. He could have felt under attack, like the person he relied on didn't trust him?

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Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 15:24

But yes, I feel like I'm at the end of a disproportionate reaction and the silent treatment is really, really shitty

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Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 15:24

This time last week, everything was absolutely perfect

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ReggaeShark · 31/10/2015 15:26

Sorry OP but he sounds like a cocklodger and he's buggered off now you've called him on it.

wannaBe · 31/10/2015 15:33

no, you're excusing his behavior because you want to believe that he's lovely. But you know that there are flaws otherwise you wouldn't be challenging him on his lack of contribution and the other things which caused the argument.

Yes, it's bloody tough out there in the world of unemployment. I would know this - I've been looking for work for the past 3.5 years and with no success i might add. I don't however feel the need to strop off with "things have been tough" as an excuse whenever me and dp have an argument. Relationships aren't supposed to work like that.

So he's being made redundant which is very tough and hard going, but presumably he has some skills which he can use to get work in the short term while he looks for something more permanent?

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 15:35

Yes, I suppose so. I guess it's not my problem any more. Fuck! I feel like my world has caved in. Totally caved in.

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 31/10/2015 15:37

What is it you are looks for from us?

He is a true gent and a lovely guy, therefore find him and offer your apologies prostrate on the floor, promising never to question him or his contribution again. As love is all you need. ????

His silence speaks volumes.
I get your broken hearted. I have been there.

BUT - if he really loved you. He wouldn't be behaving like this, regardless of the pressure he is under.

He doesn't love you as much as you deserve.
Walk away

HuckfromScandal · 31/10/2015 15:38

And this time last week
It looked perfect - but the ticking tomebomb was still ticking

Be grateful it went off at 7 months and not 7 years.

Original poster
Springheeled · 31/10/2015 15:40

Yes. You are right. Maybe I have dodged a bullet. But he was in every part of my world and he was plausible- I thought I could spot another abuser a mile off :(

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 31/10/2015 15:43

Am glad to hear that.

Now
Don't contact him
Take some time to reflect
And next time -
Make sure you keep some parts of your life just for you.
And don't let anyone move in so quickly.
Relationships aren't a sprint. They are a marathon.

Slow and steady..

wannaBe · 31/10/2015 15:43

he's not necessarily an abuser. There are a lot of them out there but equally the term is over-used on mn. But that doesn't mean that he's not an arsehole either. His reactions to situations may have nothing to do with abuse and more to do with his own emotional impotence. That doesn't make his reactions any more acceptable. He may, on the whole, be a nice bloke, but that doesn't mean that his reactions to conflict don't make him behave like a tosser.