Dumped

[Springheeled]

Have just been dumped after 7 months. At least, think I have. I feel like I want to die. Not literally, I mean, I am not suicidal, but the hours are passing so slowly and I keep crying.

He felt got at, because you asked him to contribute more fairly?
Or - looking at it, were you asking for something unreasonable??

Without knowing the actuality its hard to say, but my spidey senses say that you asked for him to stop being a freeloader, and he didn't like it!

He doesn't sound like he's very kind to you at the very minimum. Flouncing and off and not answering calls sounds like very silly behaviour. "I'll show her".

I know you're hurting, but take this as a big indication of his character. He will be keeping you on your toes so that when he comes back you will take back and forget what you said. Don't let yourself be controlled.

Sorry that should have been SULKY behaviour not silly.

I can barely function. This is awful. I don't think I will ever see him or hear from him again

How has he been regarding the sharing of money/ bills/ food so far. Do you pay all bills and he pays food/ nights out etc

How has his contribution been so far.

You might not but we are trying to work out if this has been. A blessed release for you especially if he's been cock lodgering . Only you know that.

i don't think it's been cocklodgering

But that is basically what I accused him of.

More details?

Spring, do you think that he has really not been paying his way? If that's the case there is no need to apologise for bringing it up with him. A reasonable person would work with you to get the balance right.
An unreasonable person would say "how dare you!"

I think you'll hear from him again, I think he'll leave it just long enough for you to be so grateful that you'll apologise and agree you were in the wrong, essentially giving him permission to continue freeloading and putting you in a weaker position than you were before you raised the issue. Let's face it, you wouldn't have brought it up if you didn't think it, would you?

Don't let him make you doubt your own judgement, you brought it up for a reason.

Turn your phone off and get out into the fresh air.

I hope I'm wrong.

So you say he should contribute more and he goes off in a huff, refusing to answer messages, knowing it's driving you crazy? He's got full control over you, hasn't he?

I wonder why you were living with him after 7 months - no matter how much you feel you know someone, you really can't know them fully after such a short time, particularly as you hadn't even had a row.

ok, so running off for a bit of space is one thing, running off overnight with no contact is in a whole other league and for me that would be a dealbreaker.

You said you had trust issues as well as that you asked him to contribute. Can you tell us more about that? Fact is, if you're living together already (and there are no criticisms from me, plenty of people fall into living together soon and things work out) then it's not unreasonable that you both contribute towards the running of the household.

And reality is that living together is a life-changing thing, and invariably there are hiccups in the beginning as you adapt to living with someone else.

Why did his previous relationship end?

I just wonder how to deal with this pain. I'm trying to be rational but it is impossible to stay calm. I can't eat. Have barely slept.

trust issues are from previously having had a relationship that was abusive- narcissist I think. So I am used to the silent treatment but this feels different, the backdrop of the relationship in general is that it isn't abusive.

I understand that pain. It's been triggered by his behaviour, but it still, doesn't mean he is good for you, I'm puzzled, if he's so nice, why would he treat you like this just for voicing a concern?

I wouldn't expect a relationship to start off being abusive anyway, after all who would be tempted by that?

It's understandable that if the silent treatment was present in your previous relationship then this is bound to bring that back if he starts acting in a similar manner. But the difference is that if he is a decent man you will be able to explain that and you will be able to talk it through.

But in this instance it seems that his reaction to a row is to simply cut contact and to tell you that it's over. He may not come back, but if he does, is this really something you want to live with long-term? having to walk on eggshells in case he dumps you when you don't agree on something?

It's hard now but the plus side is that it's only been seven months. Yes it may be seven months of intense relationship but this is where it's an early warning of what your long-term future will look like if you stay

Don't give him the control here. Delete his number, go out for the day, do some shopping, have a nice lunch out, meet a friend if possible, and if he comes back tell him that he made his choices, it's over and he doesn't get to come back just because he decided that he's changed his mind. You are worth more than this.

I wish I could just take those firm moves but I still can't think straight. I think he's having some kind of meltdown.

Why do you think he's having a meltdown, what has made you think that?

I just realised I used un pc language! I mean a crisis.

whether he's having a meltdown or not is not your problem atm. Regardless of what he's thinking, his reaction is unacceptable.

Ultimately it comes down to this:

If yesterday's row was a deal-breaker for him then it is over and you've had a heartbreak but ultimately a lucky escape.

If he comes back then it's obvious that he's a game player and needs to get a grip of his emotional responses to being challenged before embarking on another relationship. And it should ultimately be a deal-breaker for you.

You can do all those things I suggested above. Not doing them isn't going to change things or bring him back. Now you have to take control over your life - you can't control what he does with his, but you can control what he does to yours.

Everything wannaBe said.

Op. He's either decided it's over & will never contact you again ( rejection hurts like hell but you will get over it ) or he's playing mind games & will contact you again in time. ( which is an awful way to treat you )
You're better off without him you really are, I know you don't feel that now because you're in the early stages of 'withdrawal' ( & yes, a heartbreak has been likened to coming off drugs - the physical responses are similar ) so what you're feeling is very real & very difficult to deal with, but you will recover. I promise you that.

Agree with PPs. There doesn't sound like there is any reason why he should have a meltdown, except that he may be unbalanced. If he's unbalanced and ready to strop, then he is no good in the long term. He will be back, all his stuff is there. So, he's just punishing you at the mo. Be strong, value yourself. Don't just jump to his tune when he does surface. This is a massive red flag. Heed it.

It's not all his stuff, just bits and bobs.
I am just wondering how to function. I have to hold down a really demanding job. At the moment I can't eat or sleep. I have a huge lump in my chest.
He's been made redundant and is looking for work. It's a hard time.

I want to curl up and die, I really do.