aibu? i'm just so tired (v v long)

[thestamp]

my husband has a few complaints about me, and has for years.

some of them are probably founded. others may be blown out of proportion. all of them are based on me and my very real strengths and weaknesses... things i have worked on for years but that can only be changed so much.

i love him and want it to work but he is just so unhappy and i feel like no matter what he always will be.

we have been together for over 10 years now, from when i was a teenager. back then i was gobby and immature and generally flirty and not a particularly amazing gf - but i always loved him and was devoted to him in my own silly teenage way. and i never cheated on him, hand on heart - but a few times, he very much thought that i did.

we were really tempestuous but we learned a lot in the early years and i thought we had a really good thing. we got married in our mid 20s. we have so many good times. we have wonderful dcs. we think the same way about money, managed to build up great careers, etc. etc. and have a great sex life.

but every few months, no matter what, it will come up again that he thinks i am going to "humiliate" him - cheat on him, gossip maliciously about him, something like that. embarrass him, disrespect him.

he says that it is because i have regularly (a few times a year) humiliated him, including the time he thought that i had cheated on him, 8 years ago. (i stayed on at a bar, without him, until closing time with one of his friends - was v drunk and was having one of those philosophical convos that seemed v important at the time. it was stupid and i didn't so much as kiss the boy. and i was 21, so also an idiot. dh seems 50% sure that i actually cheated on him with this boy)

other much more recent example: we were out with my work mates and he and another person were talking to me at once, one in each ear, not realising they were talking over each other, so i put my hands up and snapped loudly (pretty rudely i think) that i couldn't hear because everyone was talking to me ("aaagh stop it everyone is talking to me at once!!"). dh took this as me humiliating him and trying to embarrass/dismiss him in front of my friends, as a sign of my basic disrespect for him. i see it as me being impulsively rude, not thinking before i reacted, which i apologised for. this happened almost a year ago now but has been regularly brought up as a reason for him feeling down about our relationship. he will now not socialise with me when i am with my work mates.

(note, i realise alcohol was involved in both of these instances! in response, i rarely have more than 2 drinks when out with my dh because i recognise the trigger for my rudeness/thoughtlessness.)

there are assorted other instances that, to him, are a huge pile of things that add up to a big, bad feeling that he can never trust me.

i can see where he is coming from, to an extent. i would be hurt if my dh did and said hurtful things to me on nights out. at the same time, i know that i have never cheated on him and that my life pretty much revolves around him. i speak highly of him to others. i rarely if ever moan about him to friends (which is unusual in my group of friends!). i keep so much to myself because i want to do right by him.

whenever i say something like "i know that you feel this way but my rudeness is a reflection of my character flaws - i can be impulsive, snappy, rude, inconsiderate - not a reflection on my feelings for you" he will answer something like "but if you really respected me you would never treat me that way". to which i respond "but everyone says and does stupid things to their partner sometimes! it's part of life".

which he disagrees with. tbf he rarely upsets me. he is generally a stellar husband. really. the bad news is that when i do confront him about something, it WILL end up with him basically saying that he's done it because he has been affected by my long term disrespect for him. so i almost always end up apologising, even when it's me that was wanting an apology from him to start with. that part really tires me out.

i am so tired of being the bad guy. 10 years of being the bad guy is really wearing me down.

i can see where he is coming from but i am starting to ask myself, why did he marry me when he is so unhappy with me? he has said himself that he never trusted me so why even propose? why has he bought a house with me, started a business with me, had children with me, when he can't trust me? i have asked him and he has basically said "well i love you" and in less happy moments "well i just followed along with what you wanted".

sigh.

what does one do in this situation?

i was his first serious gf and i do think that he thinks there are women out there who are much more respectful and loving than me. from my perspective, i think he has got a good wife in me and i'm not actually sure he could find someone else who would try so hard to do right by him. aibu to think that?

of course i do stupid, really thoughtless things sometimes - things that can seem cruel even though they're not intended in that way - a few times a year say. aibu to think everyone does?

i tend to be a leader, he tends to follow me. this has led to many happy things for him but i feel he hasn't always been true to himself. but now, i have this dread that he actually SHOULD leave me, that he actually wants to, but never will because he struggles to take decisive action.

i just feel so so tired thinking about another 50+ years married to someone who is offended by things that i can't change. i want desperately for him to be happy.

he won't go to counselling.

i feel better today.

it helps to write it all down i think.

i did lie in the bath last night, texted with a friend, tried to lean on them a little bit rather than just bottling it all up and trying to wish it away.

OP, I'm posting for the first time on MN, your thread has really resounded with me and I had to comment.

I'm glad you have started to feel better. You have done so well, been so strong. Not much further now until you can start to make big changes and feel free.

It's normal to feel low and vulnerable. You seem so self aware, you know what is and isn't acceptable- you will be fine in the future. Concentrate on yourself, loving yourself and building your confidence and self esteem up.

Keep going, you are nearly there.

Sounds like you're on your way to a better life. Of course you're going to mourn what you thought you would have from your marriage.

An insecure person and a flirty extrovert are never going to be a good match are they.

thank you lovely mners.

heavy going still. feeling less awful as the days go by.

just scary to think how vulnerable i am. i suppose all of us are vulnerable all the time... we just don't think about it much. times like this it feels so so real though.

i realise little things that lead up to big things... how i don't tell anyone things about myself... i used to be an open book... but he has used so much of my honesty and openness against me, i feel burned and raw.

i want to be close to my friends and family but over time, his cageyness and judgement made me feel that i was basically unacceptable, that there were things wrong with me that people couldn't bear so i should keep myself closed off and safe from their judgement.

i realised over xmas that he used a lot of my abuse history against me.

i don't even know how to say this out loud but i think he thought me a whore because of what happened to me when i was small. i think that is where all of this started. i told him about the abuse and he couldn't take it so he made it into something that was at least partly my fault, a reflection on my fundamentally "flirtatious", "asking-for-it", transgressive personality. rather than something awful that happened that was beyond my control.

that is so sick?

i have put the best possible spin on it, that he couldn't cope with my disclosure so turned it against me... what if really he just used my disclosure cynically, from the very beginning, knowing that it was my weak spot?

he must have thought me to be nothing but human refuse from the very beginning? that i was an acceptable target for nastiness, manipulation, use and abuse. that i was damaged goods.

how can i ever tell another man again? how could i ever trust someone again?

i struggle with this so much.

he must have thought me to be nothing but human refuse from the very beginning? that i was an acceptable target for nastiness, manipulation, use and abuse. that i was damaged goods

No, I think he just honed in on your achilles' heel, if it hadn't been that it would have been something else.

I was in an abusive relationship with someone who fortunately wasn't very astute. When we would fight he would call me an alcoholic and a whore, I couldn't understand where that was coming from or why he would say that. Eventually the penny dropped with him of what my real fear is and then he would happily make things up to control me that way. Fortunately I got out before he managed to do a complete number on me.

There are lots of lovely people out there who show their love by helping you to get over your weak points, not using them as weapons against you.

Stamp, I've only just seen this thread and wanted to respond to your final post.

But first let me say that you have such an enormous reservoir of inner strength, and such an amazing skill for drawing friends to you, that you really will be ok.

I had a similar first marriage in some ways. We were together young and I left him in my early 30s. Jealousy wasn't his main issue, but it certainly featured, and he did the same thing of holding past "transgressions" over me (when with hindsight, I did nothing wrong).

I also had a history of abuse. But it was more recent to our getting together. Looking back I can see where he used my pain against me. There were times when he seemed to revel in it.

I always thought that he was basically a good person, but with his own mother issues. Now I can see how selfish and calculating some things were. Selfishness is their driving force. Not cruelty or maliciousness, just boring old selfishness.

They aren't capable of thinking about your feelings, unless those feelings infringe on their happiness (like now). Because why should they care otherwise? It's not automatically relevant to them.

I was worried about being honest in the future. Honest is who I am. I like being open. I like being me.

After I left (and I strongly recommend doing the Freedom Programme, I know you're abroad, but you can do it online too), I worried about telling people what he had known.

Then I met my now dh. He was kind and caring, and so very very different to xh. I had never known a relationship like it. I thought of him and (here's the weird bit) he thought of me .

When I told him things he just listened and comforted and told me how strong and amazing I was.

He trusts me completely. (I said I'd be home at 1am once, and completely lost track of time! Got home at 4.30am. All he said was that he was so glad I'd had a great night)

I didn't tell him everything at once. It came out over time, and with trust and very naturally. It didn't change anything.

What I'm trying to say (probably really clumsily), is your H is a bad one. But there are really good men out there. Listen to your instincts. Don't settle for less than what you need. Don't compromise and stay with someone you're not compatible with. Be on your own for a while and find out who you are when you are left to shine :) but if you do want to be with someone. Then a good man would never treat you how you have been treated.

When I LTB, I didn't think anyone would want me. I expected to be alone. I certainly didn't expect to be ridiculously happy, supported and loved.

Good luck. You are right in the hard bit at the moment. It will get better. Your new life awaits. It's going to be brilliant

was good to read that Chris. still feels aeons away but i suppose that's life.

big news. i am moving out this weekend. just a couple of doors down but to a place that will be all mine. it's big and beautiful and cheap and i'm thrilled.

dh has gone to counselling every week since the split.
he said to me last week that he realises now that he should have let me go 10 years ago when i tried to break it off with him and he begged me back. he said "i was just a kid and was scared no-one else would ever love me and that's where it all went wrong, i spent the whole rs being afraid, i should have just let you go".

i've bought him out of the business and now have free access to the funds that remain, which are fairly substantial.
with the funds he received, he's just today bought a car. i've taken the one we already had.
he's going to buy me out of the house in the summer as the mortgage comes up for renewal. he'll pay the mortgage himself until then.
we'll do a quickie divorce.

he's being assessed for anxiety/depression by his GP. i tried to get him to do this for years but he finally did it on his own.

he's very supportive of me moving out and is organising things for me so it all goes smoothly.

i'm painting again. spending time with friends.
i have a pinterest board for my new nest and i'm so, so, so excited for this new start. it's going to be weird and wonderful.

dc are fine. they are small enough that it's exciting to get a new house and to choose new toys etc. i ask dc "who does mummy love?" and they reply, "mummy loves [their names], daddy, granny, auntie x, and uncle x" and it's still true.

we rebooked the holiday. we are taking auntie and uncle x with us so that we both have a bit of a buffer and aren't in each other's faces the whole time.

it's all looking up. i'm glad took control and held the family together over xmas, played the long game, let him take the time to come around. it was excruciating but worth it.

i absolutely could not have done it without the support i got here. you all held me together. i come back and reread here often. thank God for you all. i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

What a lovely, lovely update. I do hope things continue to improve for you and that you and your H are able to be friends in time. He sounds like he's very damaged but not an inherently nasty person. Enjoy your amazing new life xx

LeanneBattersby

I second that emotion

hi op long time ago but did you end up staying with this man?