I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

I'm not the army guy poster, no.

There may have been an incident when he left me to carry my own suitcases. I think that might be what you mean?

I didn't really manage to get to the bottom of the "irrational" comment as we had a friend staying that weekend, so I couldn't really ask much more without creating an awkward atmosphere. I will certainly be asking him what exactly he meant by it tonight though.

Why? It's irrelevant.

He is squatting in your flat because it is convenient for him

He is using up your stuff and not contributing.

When you have brought it up with him he dismissed and insulted you.

He doesn't care for you.

He isn't interested in how you feel.

Do you need to ask him anything at all?!

You just need to tell him straight to leave. You don't need to get bogged down in discussing times he has been a shit to you.

yes stay strong and come here for support. Honestly this kind of thing just pisses me off SO much. YOU have a flat in London from your own efforts, and HE just wants to move in to make his life easy. Ask him if he has heard of the word 'cocklodger'.

Telling you that you are irrational for wanting to decide for yourself who to live with is gaslighting. Dump the cocklodger.

Letting him stay for a week when every day he lives there is risking prosecution and losing your job - that is irrational.

I cannot see the appeal of someone like this. And I am very patient - have supported my DH through several years of MH issues & intermittent unemployment.

What exactly does he contribute? The more you vent on here, the less likely it is you will do something in RL.

I know it's irrational. I know what he will say though. He will say that he's gotten a job like I asked him too, and now I'm not letting him stay so he can easily get to that job.

I will stay strong though. Next week he goes back to his relatives house. No arguments. Although I also know for a fact that he doesn't have enough money to travel into London.

It is just endless. No wonder I'm constantly stressed and knackered.

He has MH issues telephone, and is emotionally very fragile. He self harms, and there's been times when us arguing has triggered it. That in it's own is stressful. Especially as I also have a history of depression/self harm.

How does he contribute? He makes me cups of tea when I get in from work. He tidies' the flat, takes rubbish out etc. He's very sweet and affectionate. He just doesn't seem to grasp any of the complexities of living in the real world.

I am venting on here, but in my defence I can't speak to him anyway until really late. I won't get home until 11pm!

Arfarfanarf: He wouldn't do any if those things. If I asked him to go he would go. He's not somebody who would intentionally be mean and cruel. His bad behaviour stems from cluelessness, not malice.

OP you have had your concerns and annoyances but you haven't sorted them out because you're a nice, pleasant person who doesn't relish the thought of confrontation or want to 'upset' your BF.

Unfortunately you have to brace yourself now and be brave.

My DH would say 'it's five minutes unpleasantness' get it over and done with.
I say 'one of you is going to be upset ... why should it be you?'

Your BF isn't interested in you, your life or events which are important to you. You are merely a convenience at this point.

You have two choices. You either tackle it now and be as brief as you can so as not to invite any further discussions, or, you put up with him and become more unhappy.

'No is a complete sentence' is a saying for a reason. Yes, it's sharp and straight to the point, but remember if you feel this way then this is the way you feel and no one can argue with that, let alone dismiss your feelings as 'irrational' Bloody Cheek.

Good Luck.

" I also know for a fact that he doesn't have enough money to travel into London. "

OP, this is not your problem.
If he needs to stay in London he could stay at a RestUP type place, they are bout a tenner a night.

Just to say I wrote my reply before your last couple of posts OP

You know what... I'mgoing to watch your thread just so I can come on tonight and cheer you on OP.
Good luck, I too think his reaction will be revealing.

And sorry, but while of course MH issues can be difficult to live with they don't give someone carte blanche to make everyone dance to their tune under threat of them self-harming if people don't accede to their demands.

Ah op, it is you from before. It's good he's got a job now but he needs to go home and commute as you can't afford to support him, just say that. Good luck. You've been more than generous

Tidying up and taking out the rubbish when he creates half of the work isn't much of a plus point is it? nor making tea really.

He will say that he's gotten a job like I asked him too
He's making far too much of his life your responsibility.
He should have a job because he's an adult who needs to support himself and for his own self worth, not because someone else tells him he ought to work.

This isn't the same as supporting a long term partner who's circumstances have changed.

Well that is an issue as well. He denies it, but I really feel that his drive to get a job is to keep me sweet; rather Tha recognizing that everybody needs to have a job & some form of decent income.

We've had so many arguments about his unemployed state since he lost his last job. All the shouting, and cajoling, and worrying about his employment status has been incredibly draining.

Looking at your post/thread from August, you said you were going to dump him (or is this a different guy?) so what was stopping you?

You have to ask or tell him to move out and the sooner the better.

Put it to him that you enjoy your relationship (even if you find it hard work) but that you think it would be in jeopardy and you don't want that so it really would be best if he went back to living with his family for the time being. Don't let him stay over. If he loves you, he'll put the effort in to see you and make arrangements for doing that.

I would actually get the locks changed soon too, but in the meantime say that you lost your set of keys and could you get your spare back that would be great. Then change the locks and don't give him a key.
Whether or not he has a 10 minute commute or a commute of an hour and a half is not your concern. He's an adult and now has to assume adult responsibilities - one of which is getting to and from your place of employment. This is his responsibility not yours. How he gets there and whether he has money to do that is not your responsibility.

Best of luck to you on this, but the longer you leave this the harder it will be to have that conversation.

Is there any way that you could leave your work earlier to be home before 11pm so that you could have the conversation at a more reasonable hour and give him an opportunity to leave then and there (if it gets to that stage)?

He's not somebody who would intentionally be mean and cruel

You would be surprised how people turn mean and cruel when things aren't going their way.

'Then I will see what happens/what he says. Hopefully it won't be like the weekend when he told me I was "being irrational" when I told him my concerns about him trying to move in.'

Why are you giving him all the power here? He self harms when you argue, because it 'stresses' him. Can you see how manipulative this is? This loser cocklodger gaslighting creature is using you. And you are still enabling it by having 'conversations' and then waiting to see how he reacts.

You need to bin this cocklodger. He will never change. This is how he is: a total loser.

Giving him another week is giving him more time to con you.

I've been on MN a long time, and believe me, this man is the standard, garden variety cocklodger.

How's your horse OP? What did the vet say?

'Put it to him that you enjoy your relationship (even if you find it hard work) but that you think it would be in jeopardy and you don't want that so it really would be best if he went back to living with his family for the time being. '

Oh, FGS. Don't give this man any chances because if he's given an inch he will take a mile.

You need to grow a spine, OP. And DTMFA.

Hi op, I feel I can relate to you and am sitting here thinking you sound just like me! I someone ended up living with my boyfriend in not too dissimilar circumstances, fast forward four years and I'm broke, completely emotionally exhausted and fed up with it all.

I felt pity for him, whilst he did work he earned a pittance and so I picked up bills for him, which in turn has meant he's never paid for a thing since we've been together. It's also meant I've had to work like a dog whilst he's quite frankly lived the life of riley. I've excused his behaviour due to his MH issues, ran our household single-handedly and effectively put my life on hold for him.

It's shit and as I'm sure you can imagine it's all falling apart.

Anyway, please don't end up in the situation I'm in. Your bf needs to grow up, and I know you feel bad because you probably do love him and you want to care for him but the best thing you can do for him right now is to cut him out so he can be independent. Yes it will be hard for him but he'll be OK.

Breaking up is shit and awful and just completely horrid, but I think in your case it's the right thing to do. Formulate your plan and stick to it.

Also I hope your Horse gets better!