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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

435 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 26/10/2015 18:15

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 28/10/2015 00:19

Kick him out of your house right now!

Seriously he will only get worse. Let him look after himself you owe him nothing!

FriendofBill · 28/10/2015 00:22

Row about what?
It's your place.
He has no argument.
Should be saying 'ok, I will leave. Thank you'

As was said up thread, he is an entitled so and so.

Arfarfanarf · 28/10/2015 00:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 28/10/2015 00:24

He will lose that job now, and that will be my fault as well for upsetting him. He basically said at one point that he had gotten a job like I wanted, and I was still going on at him.

I am sick of the same shit in every relationship.

OP posts:
hebihebi · 28/10/2015 00:24

Well done for having the chat. Do you really still want to be with him? I'm glad he's leaving. Make sure you don't let him back in!

hebihebi · 28/10/2015 00:26

You're not his mum. He's an adult. Do you blame your job on him or anyone else? Or do you take responsibility for your own life like an adult? 100% not your fault here. You've been more than kind.

GingerIvy · 28/10/2015 00:34

Honestly OP life is too short to waste it with someone that makes you miserable and drives you nuts. Stop overthinking this. He doesn't make you happy, get rid. The sooner the better. Be strong. He's trying to manipulate your feelings.

Paddletonio · 28/10/2015 00:40

He sounds horrendous! I had a near miss with a guy like this. So glad I dumped. Just dump him, the relief will be immense.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 28/10/2015 00:54

Nothing he ever does is good enough for me apparently.

I feel like shit. Complete and utter shit, and like a horrible person to boot. How DARE he take me to task over my behaviour whilst wearing my clothes, running up my bills and eating my food. I told him until he starts contributing he doesn't get to have an opinion. Awful of me I know.

My life is almost unbearable. I work si hard, I'm always so tired. There's nobody to look after me, ever. I know it's pathetic, but I am just so fucking tired of it all.

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 28/10/2015 00:56

after that performance i wouldn't even give him til the end of the week - just to tell him to hand the key back and not bother coming back tomorrow.
cheeky fucker!

and i'd just laugh at him every time he opens his mouth to 'speak'.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2015 01:03

"He basically said at one point that he had gotten a job like I wanted, and I was still going on at him."
So he wouldn't have tried working for a living except that you wanted him to? Fuck me, what does he think he is? Your exotic pet? Sheesh.

"He will lose that job now, and that will be my fault as well for upsetting him."
Pfft, he'd have lost it at the first opportunity anyway. He doesn't want to work. Inside he's probably ecstatic that he can cry off it this week, Yay! And he can blame you, and look at you with his big mournful eyes and you will read in them 'you have to take care of me now because it's. All. Your. Fault.' (Like fuck it is.)

Look, seriously, OP - he's going to jack it in anyway. I'd bet good money that he won't go to work tomorrow 'because he's so upset'. That will be your cue to demand your key back and tell him to get the fuck out of your clothes and the fuck out of your house.

(I don't always normally swear to this degree, but there are some situations where only 'fuck' will do.)

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/10/2015 01:10

"Nothing he ever does is good enough for me apparently."
There's no 'apparently' about it. What he does isn't good enough for ANYONE. You are not the one at fault here, the lazy little cocklodger is.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2015 01:59

I told him until he starts contributing he doesn't get to have an opinion. Awful of me I know.

No, it wasn't awful at all. It's the truth and truth hurts, poor diddums.

I am sick of the same shit in every relationship.
There's nobody to look after me, ever.

There was a time I felt like that. I kept making the worst decisions when it came to men. I threw over perfectly nice guys and always picked the wrong 'uns. I finally got tired of, as you say, the 'same old shit' and decided that I needed to figure out exactly what I was doing 'wrong'. I got counseling. I learnt quite a few things about myself, some were wonderful, some were not so wonderful. But I did figure out why I picked the shitty ones and how NOT to do that anymore. Going to counseling was the best decision I ever made.

Kittymum03 · 28/10/2015 03:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FishWithABicycle · 28/10/2015 05:53

What an unbelievable cock. Seriously, he thinks the only reason to get a job is because your girlfriend tells you to? Rather than because you're a grownup and the world doesn't owe you a free ride?

This guy is a dick OP. You need him out of your life ASAP.

Whatever whines he makes are just him trying to get his claws back into you to keep on manipulating you. Ignore it all and get him out.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 28/10/2015 06:20

You seem to be having a mother - Son talk op
And if you don't watch out you will cave.
He is a leach.
The only way you will get rid is to pack his stuff up in his little rucksack and get the keys as you kick him out the door.
Then you will have your home back to yourself.
You wont be so tired and stressed if you give him the boot.

DaemonPantalaemon · 28/10/2015 06:22

Is he leaving? After all the arguing and accusations and making sure you know everything that's ever wrong in his life is all your fault and you've ruined everything for him.. Is he going?

The answer to that is no. The OP has had at least three threads about the same issue with the same looser, with posters giving the same advice. At the end of each one she seems to have seen this sponger for who he is, but then she lets him back in again only to complain about him a few weeks later. Again.

Scoobydoo8 · 28/10/2015 06:27

Well done!

I bet you feel like a huge weight lifts off your shoulders when he finally walks out and shuts the door.

I would try some counseling for yourself. It is just wrong thinking that makes you feel you must be 'kind' and 'helpful' to everyone else, it is not that anything is wrong with you as a person but just the way you believe you must behave. Counselling would point out the wrong thinking.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 06:35

Is he actually going though ?

Specifics are required now. No more wooliness. No more "he makes me feel so baaaaad". You knew he would. We knew he would. Nothing has changed. He has to go.

He will seize on the opportunity to fuck up the job. No surprises there.

If you roll over yet again, I am not sure there is any hope for you.

wannabestressfree · 28/10/2015 06:48

AF's right and then you can untighten your jaw, relax and be in your own home.
You are doing the right thing and all relationships are not this difficult.....

WorkingBling · 28/10/2015 07:09

Well done. Now stick to it. And if when he doesn't go into work today because he is tooyoset, tell him in that case he should leave now as you are only letting him stay to help him with the job transition.

Are you actually breaking up with him or just throwing him out your house? Because that's unclear to me. But I would say that seeing as he has reacted so badly that really, how can you continue in a relationship with him? And if he really feels so upset how could he continued a relationship with you? I'd be suspicious of someone who claimed I was so horrible and hurt me so much and blah blah blah but then didn't seem to feel I should be dumped...!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/10/2015 07:13

What are you getting out of this relationship? Just ask him to leave and enjoy some time to yourself, minus the cocklodher!

DoreenLethal · 28/10/2015 07:27

There's nobody to look after me, ever. I know it's pathetic, but I am just so fucking tired of it all.

This is because you choose the wrong type of man to be in a relationship with. You seem to want to rescue people. That's not the type of man that will ever look after you. Once you get rid of this loser, spend some time and some cash on some therapy before you get involved with anyone again.

mummytime · 28/10/2015 07:29

He is a spoilt child - not someone you are having a real relationship with.

If it had been me, he would have been out of the door in the middle of the night after that.

It is not you, it's him.

Once you have got rid of him, have a break from "men". give yourself lots of time to have fun and see friends. Maybe get a bit of counselling, just to talk through your feelings.

You are worth hundreds of these "children".

Sort out why you settle for so little before dating again, and then you won't be quickly distracted by the first passing fancy but be able to wait for someone who goes slowly but is a good bet for a relationship.

Mamia15 · 28/10/2015 07:31

Urgh - how can you sleep with him? He seems to think you are his Mother.

And do stop feeling bad for sticking up for yourself - I really hope you get some help to look at why you let people treat you badly.