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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

435 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 26/10/2015 18:15

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 27/10/2015 21:36

No one is pure evil and he's probably not a calculating long term psychopath ... But some people are very good at working out how to get what they want out of others. He knows how to trigger your sympathy.

When I say "prepare", I mean really try and steel yourself ready for any sort of reaction from him, even if he wouldn't usually flounce etc.

Keep remembering that you haven't done anything wrong - he's taken advantage (accidentally or otherwise) and his life is his responsibility.

Serious about the sugar though, or a decaf tea (same psychological effect, perhaps less caffeine to keep you up!)

A few days and weeks from now you're going to feel so much less exhausted because this pressure and burden will have lifted.

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:36

In short it is not his MH proves that are the issue, it is his twattish behaviour.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:38

I don't know Expat. I really struggle to think of him in that way. It's just too depressing.

I've just text him saying I'm tired, and he's like "I'm really tired too"

He's worked 2 full days in six months, and didn't get up until 8.30am.

I've had 2 days off in the last 17!

I think I might be finding my anger...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 21:41

< fans that little flame like mad >

FriendofBill · 27/10/2015 21:41

'Can I talk to you for 5 minutes?
You staying here here Isn't working for me. I want you to leave on payday'

If he wants to manipulate talk about it...
'I'm not prepared to discuss it'

Pay day morning, takes his stuff.
Remind him to leave the key via note or verbally if your paths cross on pay day morning.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 21:42

It's the truth, though. Please find your anger because this person is using you. Big time.

suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 21:47

it's also not really helping him in the long term

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:48

Pay day isn't for a fortnight Bill. He cant stay that long. He literally has no money (apart from some his dad gave him for travel) and I cannot afford to feed two people every day for the next two weeks!

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 27/10/2015 21:50

Ok, 'I want you to leave in the morning' ... Then the rest of the plan.

Not prepared to discuss.
Leave keys.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 21:54

Stands besides AF . . . with a bellows.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:59

I'm going to let him stay the rest of the week while he finds his feet with job, but then he has to go.

OP posts:
starlight2007 · 27/10/2015 22:02

I was going to to say too much talking..This is your home..He doesn't get a say.. It is not a discussion. It doesn't matter what he thinks.

I think the more space you get the happier you will feel.Also the more money you will have..His Dad can lend him ( give him as he will never see it again) money to travel from Relative.

Any letters to your address in his name returned not at this address.

AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 22:02

Go for good ?

As in dumped ?

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 22:08

We live in hope.

Alwayssunny · 27/10/2015 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 22:36

Alwayssunny has a point, but really its only fair to give a certain amount of warning and notice, as long as you stick to it

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 22:52

Only fair? He's not a tenant. He manipulated his way in. He pays jack shit. Dump him before he loses this job, too, and is hanging round your flat all day doing FA. You don't owe him anything. Chances? He has to make those for himself. He is an adult.

NameChange30 · 27/10/2015 22:54

If his job is Mon-Fri I'd tell him he has to be out by 11am on Saturday morning.

But whatever you decide, OP, you have to stand firm and stick to it. Tell him your decision and then end the conversation. It's not up for debate!

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 28/10/2015 00:04

So we had the conversation.

He said he would go, but then it just disintegrated into a hideous row. He's my whipping boy apparently, and I can be the best of people and the worst of people. All said while wearing my fucking pyjamas and dressing gown.

I think I hate him.

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 28/10/2015 00:12

Tell him to take your jammies off....I can't think of anything more depressing than rowing with a man stood there in my clothes!!!!!!

suzannecaravaggio · 28/10/2015 00:14

sounds tricky:(
hating him may make it easier to turf him out
but it would be better if you could keep your cool and just be firm with him

just get the job done
then you can both pick up the pieces at a safe distance from each other
good luck:)

hebihebi · 28/10/2015 00:15

I think you'd be much better kicking him out before the weekend. It'll give him time to get sorted before Monday and give you some space over the weekend. You say his dad gave him money to travel but where's it gone? He'll drive you crazy this weekend.

5BlueHydrangea · 28/10/2015 00:15

He probably over-reacted because he knows you're right. So what decisions were made? When is he leaving??

DonkeyOaty · 28/10/2015 00:16

Urgh. Tell him to sling his hook. He's vile.

And get the bloody key back!

hebihebi · 28/10/2015 00:17

Crossed posts. Blush