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Original poster

I seem to have accidentally aquired a live-in boyfriend. What the hell do I do about it?

435 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 26/10/2015 18:15

In a nutshell...

I live in London, and have a flat that comes as part of my second (voluntary) job.

My boyfriend has just been offered a temporary job in the city. He normally lives with a family member in a neighbouring county. My issue is this: He has put my address as the address he lives at ( with my knowledge) as he was struggling to find employment in his own area. Trouble is he now seems to think that it is fine to stay at mine to save himself travelling everyday. I love him, but I also love my own space. I don't want to upset him, but I also seem to have gained a live in partner without asking. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 20:32

I'm not in a position to tell him Penfold. I don't get home until 11pm tonight.

I am going to tell him that he will have to change the address, and that he is going to have to go back to his relatives next week.

Yes, I know everybody is going to go "sling him out now" but he will probably lose his job then, and I at least want to give him a chance with that.

After this week he will have to commute to work though. It is his responsibility and problem; not mine.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/10/2015 20:33

I won't tell you that, I understand why you'd set it out that way. Just be firm and expect him not to act on it would be my advice.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 20:37

He will give you all sorts of reasons why he cannot. It will be your fault. You are irrational, after all. You'd best think of how you will hold your reserve whilst he gaslights you.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 20:44

I will struggle. I'm tired and I've had a bitch of a day.

It's the last thing I need tbh. I just want to go home, and relax quietly on my own.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/10/2015 20:49

I'm sure!

That's what he's relying on.

If you were my partner, not that I'd be moving in without permission and I'd been home for ages I'd have made you a nice bath and some hot food for when you got home! This is what you deserve really, the minimum you deserve.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 20:51

Well I got some left over chips from the fridge last night, and a cup of tea.

Does that count?Wink

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 27/10/2015 21:00

moving in by stealth and uninvited seems like a very sly but domineering thing to do
sneaking in under the radar

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:04

Ha ha! Barely! Halloween Grin

Alwayssunny · 27/10/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:06

Who needs diamonds or mini breaks when you have cold chips?

Chips that I paid for incidentally...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 21:08

He's relying on this. And if not then he will gaslight you, the whole 'you're irrational' bollocks, whilst he's sat in your home.

Alwayssunny · 27/10/2015 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:08

Oh god... Halloween Hmm

Cold leftover chips that you paid for and a cup of tea made with your tea bags and using your leccy? Last of the romantics eh?

Penfold007 · 27/10/2015 21:11

I really do feel for you but you could have told him 24 hours ago. AF was spot on.

AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 21:13

Find your anger, love

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:16

Speak of the devil... Halloween WinkHalloween Grin

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:18

I do get angry AF; furiously angry. I went off the deep end on Sunday in front of our friend cos he wasn't dressed by noon when we were all supposed to be going to the stables. My friend said it was terrifying to behold!

Then I start to feel sorry for him, and when we talk things through I soften.

I need to stand firm this time...for both our sakes!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 21:19
Halloween Grin
AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 21:20

Sorry, that witchy smile was to offred.

Yes, this time you need to follow through. Enough is enough.

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:20

Perhaps I could have Penfold. It's hard to gather the strength though when you are so knackered. I just wanted to go to sleep when I got home.

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 27/10/2015 21:20

What a horrid situation to end up in. Possibly it's one of those things where as people have said there's no huge ill intent, just idiocy and a lack of sensitivity and caring on his part.

Either way, keep thinking how relieved you'll be when this is over.

Can you have a really good dose of coffee or something sugary before getting home?

You need to mentally practice what you want to say and sadly it sounds like you'll need to steel yourself too for him being upset and threatening self-harm. You might not get much sleep and might end up quite jittery and alone and worried if he slams his way outside. Keep posting back here and people will be around to help support you.

I don't know if you're thinking the relationship can continue with him living elsewhere, but if that's a secret hope you need to be ready for it not lasting too.

On a practical level, when can you get the locks changed?

Original poster
whostheJohnsonnow · 27/10/2015 21:24

He won't slam out of the door Kacie. Not at that time of night. He's not a flouncer anyway. That is far more my style to be honest.

He won't be vicious or nasty. He will be all helpless and sad eyed. That's what always makes me cave. I used to thrive on his need to be saved at one point. But now it's wearing thin, and I'm not sure he really gets why.

I won't need to change the locks. He wouldn't let himself in against my will. He's honestly not a deliberate twat; just totally clueless.

OP posts:
WicksEnd · 27/10/2015 21:27

Well he doesn't sound like much of a catch OP Confused What was he claiming ESA for? Idoliitis?
You However ARE! You have a great job, you're too kind, thoughtful and considerate.
He's a waster, going nowwhere with no get up and go

expatinscotland · 27/10/2015 21:30

'He's honestly not a deliberate twat; just totally clueless.'

And therein lies your problem, because actually, he is a twat. He isn't clueless, either. He is a classic cocklodger. Believe me, they have a standard MO. We've all seen it a hundred times here on MN. Your first clue is that when things don't go his way with you, he self-harms out of 'stress'. It's manipulative behaviour. He gaslights you, too. The whole 'you're irrational'. Again, classic.

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:35

I'm sure he has diagnosable MH probs that would justify a claim for ESA. I don't think that's the issue. I have my own MH probs but I would never behave as he is, people with MH probs can sometimes also be total using knobends as well as being ill! His MH probs are his and he needs to be responsible for sorting them out, not make the OP or his family responsible - he is clearly capable of work as am I, he should therefore work to support himself. Even if he genuinely needed support it isn't on to just move into someone's house on the sly and manipulate them into supporting you!

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