I really could do with some support

[Cowscockwithonions]

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

How would I be able to live with myself if he did take his own life?

I write this as someone who has been suicidal in the past.

No-one else is responsible for their partners happiness. Yes at times my dh behaviour made my depression worse (he had distanced himself and I didn't cope) BUT it was the fact that a have little self-worth that made me feel so helpless and without hope.

Your exP is an abusive twunt he is trying every trick in the book - ignoring your choice in the hope that he wears you down again, pretending to be heartbroken to get you back under his thumb through guilt, disappearing to hook you in emotionally with concern.

Because this has all happened before, he sees no reason to believe that the end result will be any different this time and that you'll back down. All he has to do is wait you out. It's the main problem with ultimatums. If you give one and don't carry it out, all it does is blunt your weapon and make it useless in the future. This is why I said in a pp that you'll have to be prepared to leave yourself, because he won't believe that you mean it when you tell him to leave.

As far as suicide, I think it's highly unlikely. But at any rate, we are each of us responsible for our own actions. If he should choose to take his own life that is his choice, only his, and not your responsibility. You cannot 'make' or 'force' someone end his own life. It is a deliberate choice on their part.

Mine " took an overdose " and then walked around downstairs all night trying to get my attention banging doors, flushing toilet etc. I ignored. ( Hadn't for the 10 years before, always comforted him, cycle starts again)
When he left (forced), I beat myself over the head with a very big stick for several weeks.
The guilt was horrendous and by far the worse part for me.
My mantra ? It's not real. (repeat 100 times ) repeat another 100 times. It eventually sinks in.
PS He was out partying as soon as he'd gone, while I was silently working my way through any tissues he had not snivelled into.
Real tears do not need an audience.

I would say it's very very unlikely he will actually hurt himself.
It's like there's a rule book here we don't get to see. All the things he's doing are the exact same as my ex. He was a great one for just plodding on like normal until after a while you feel like you can't cause a scene because nothing new has happened to spark it. He will keep doing it.
You need to make a decision for yourself, like a PP said give yourself a timeline and stick to it as best you can

Thank you so much for all your support and a advice, u have no idea how much you're helping me.
It also helps to know, like what toddler said about the invisible 'rule book', it makes his actions seem less genuine, like he's not genuinely heartbroken, and he knows exactly what he's doing.
Hope that makes sense! I can't sleep. My mind is racing

Um, I think you'll find he's much, much too selfish to take his own life! Try to scare you with threats of it, yes, but not actually do it.
(BTW, I've said it before - when he threatens suicide, say 'would you? Thanks so much, that'll help me a lot!' )

There was another poster on here a few years ago, whose DH upped and left one day. He also spent a lot of energy manipulating and hurting her, and one night he phoned, threatening the worst. Then put the phone down, and turned it off. She spent the night in bits, trying to contact him, not sleeping, fretting and fearing; and found out in the morning he'd turned the phone off, and went to sleep! Bastard.

Don't give it any mental energy. Focus on you, not him.

He's now gone to work, which has given me a bit of breathing space.
My dd13, told me something earlier which has really wound me up- she asked him the other day if he was definately moving out, and he said to her "no because I love her too much".
That's made me so angry, if he loved me he'd respect my wishes and just go!
Looks like I'm going to have to force him out.
He's stopped making me tea now though, which I'm quite pleased about- maybe he's getting the message.

He won't leave, you'll have to be the one to do it. Or force him out but there may be issues there depending who's name the house is in etc?
And funny enough what ptumbi said is also apparently in the rule book. My ex did the exact same thing. I had his parents on the phone and everything worried that he had been in a state now they couldn't contact him. Ended up having to get a friend to check on him. He was completely fine and had just decided not to speak to anyone that day

Enjoy your breathing space. Relax a bit, enjoy the silence & peace. Then use some of this time to make needed phone calls and to start/continue moving precious items and paperwork out of the house. If nothing else, make a 'to do' list and a 'items to keep' list.

I think you need to accept that he will not leave voluntarily. He won't. The decision you need to make is whether or not you want to try to force him out or if you'd just rather leave yourself (meaning you & DCs). IIWY, I'd be calling the landlord/letting agent today and find out the lease provisions. Whose name is on the lease? If his, I think your only option is to leave. If joint, what are your options and liability according to the lease agreement. If in your name only, can you legally change the locks (with LL's permission).

I have to freely admit though, that I've always been self-supporting so the idea of upping sticks to get out of a bad situation hasn't been 'scary' for me from a financial standpoint so it's easy for me to say 'oh, just leave'. In my current marriage, DH and I went through a very, very rough patch about 15 years ago. It got to the point that I took the kids to my parent's and went back home the next day and confronted him and told him he needed to change or the children and I were gone. I was perfectly ready, willing, and able to rent a flat for the DC and I. I would have preferred to stay in our home (we were buying, not renting) but it was more important to me that I raise my children in peace. But my situation not as bad as yours. In your situation, I wouldn't have given my DH the chance to change.

The tenancy is in both of our names, I've not spoken to the landlord, but have info from shelter saying that a joint tenant can have their name removed without their permission- however, that would be awful if I had to do that and change the locks etc, I want this to be as peaceful as possible, and if he came home from work one day to find the locks changed, he wouldn't give up- he'd probably sleep in the car and wait for me to come out of the house and give me more emotional blackmail, I just can't handle anymore of that.
Plus there's his daughter- he has full custody of her- if I keep her with me surely he could call the police saying I've kidnapped her or something- I have no right to have her.

This may all sound ridiculous but like I said earlier, my mind is racing, and I'm constantly thinking of ways to get out and the problems I could face when I do.

My parents suggested leaving dsd with a friend, and me and the kids staying away somewhere for a weekend- leaving him a note saying that he needs to be gone before I get back- I can't see that working though.

Another thing I've thought of is finding another place to rent without his knowledge (obviously) and just taking my kids and leaving- however, I don't have any money for a deposit and rent up front etc, I don't want to ask my parents- they've already loaned me a lot of money. Plus I worry that even if I did move, he'd turn nasty, and try to take our son from me.

Please don't think these are all excuses- the relationship is definately over, things have gone too far, and I'm not putting myself or my kids through his shit anymore, I'm just a worrier, and I'm always thinking about consequences of what I do, and how it'll impact on me and the kids.

Reading my last post makes the situation sound completely hopeless, I know that I can't carry on like this.
Why can't he just fuck off and leave me and my kids alone?

Really, if you are absolutely sure that you don't want any kind of scene whatsoever (and I respect your right to want that), then unfortunately your only choice is going to be to do a 'midnight flit' (figuratively speaking) either to your parents or to an unknown location just as my friend did. But you'll have be able take every single thing you want with you. There's simply no other way if you don't want to have to deal with his histrionics. But remember, you ARE still dealing with him and his shit daily, right now, because you are staying put. Between you and me, as much as I'd hate it I'd rather deal with one big scene than the continual shite behaviour and tension you're dealing with every day. Look at it this way; if you had to have an amputation, would you rather have it done with a razor sharp blade in one cut or have it slowly sawed off with a dull blade? I know which I'd choose.

As much as you wish he'd just leave, he won't. He has no real reason to, does he? And he has plenty of reasons to stay. Life is pretty comfortable for him right where he is, isn't it? And you're right, going away for the weekend and leaving him a note to be gone will do absolutely nothing.

As far as DSD, I hate to sound terrible, but she isn't your responsibility. Of course you should try to insure she has a place to live but you shouldn't stay put because of her.

I understand your fear of scenes. I understand fear of the 'unknown'. But the fact is that your parents won't allow you to be homeless, even if it means cramming into their small house until you can save up for a deposit etc. Even if it means loaning you money and getting it repaid at £10 per month until you can afford more.

Across, thank you, you're saying what I'm thinking deep down- dsd isn't my problem, and you're right, either I do a moonlight flit or I confront him and cause a scene, I just hate that things have come to this.
I'm so angry with myself for letting things get this far, the red flags were there from the start of the relationship.
I told my dad how annoyed I was that I didn't listen to his advice to stay away from the arsehole, he said that I can't change what happened in the past, but I can change my present and my future.
I don't know how I'll get out of this shit situation, but I'll get away from it somehow- I have to, it's driving me mad

Cows you could be me. I spent SO long staying because I was mad at myself for letting it get to the point where I wanted to leave. I can now honestly say I should have left 5 years ago. But I didn't, and you didn't, and that can't be helped now.
What you don't want to do is look back in 12 months time and think I REALLY should have left then. What's done is done, you need to think about the future now. You know you can't go on like this.
Honestly if it's AT ALL possible I would go to your parents for a couple of months to save up.
I don't know what to say about DSD, it's a horrible situation but if you can't take her with you there's nothing you can do unfortunately.

So he's still being very nice to me and the kids- too nice, he's speaking in a soft gentle voice, which is doing my head in. I just feel like saying "stop talking in that ridiculous tone", but I won't because I'm being civil for the kids sake.
I think that he thinks that if he's "nice" for long enough, I'll change my mind and take him back- no chance.
Since he's been like this, and more or less left me alone (only talking to me when necessary) I've realised how shit the relationship really was.

He usually undermines me when it comes to disciplining the kids- if I say something, he'll say the opposite, so confusing for them, and unfair.
It's nice also to not worry about what he house looks like- our house is clean but sometimes untidy, there's 5 children aged from 4 to 14, the house will never be immaculate- but he always used to complain, calling it a "shit hole", and calling the kids tramps and animals if their rooms weren't tidy. He hasn't breathed a word about untidiness since I told him our relationship was over.
This has to be a record for him, he's had his "nice spells" before, normally they last a few days, this one has lasted a good week!
I'm just waiting for mr nasty to appear.

Basically, he's doing a very good impersonation of a "normal person" . Shame he can't always be like this

When I was writing my last post (am on my phone) he said "you texting your boyfriend"? I didn't answer him, then he said "I was only joking".

Any further forward in deciding what you're going to do so that you are living separately?

Random, I think it'll have to wait till after Xmas, I know it's not ideal, but I'm trying to keep things as stable as possible for the kids, not just mine, but his as well.
I'm trying to keep them busy when they aren't at school.
When Xmas is over- I'll tell him that either he leaves, or I do.
We live in a 4 bed house- rented. I have 4 kids, he has 1. If I leave, he'll be responsible for the house- he can't afford the rent. If he leaves, I can still manage with help from my parents.

I guess I can't blame you for wanting to keep Christmas nice for the children. But please talk to your folks about your plan. Let them know that you've made a decision but are waiting until after the holidays. You're also going to need to enlist their support in case you have to leave because he won't. And I think that's a real possibility. I think it'd be nice for them to have a 'heads up' now in case they need/want to shift furniture or get in a couple of inflatable mattresses.

You still need to start getting things out of the house (papers, photos, etc). You don't know when Dr Jekyll will turn into Mr Hyde.

His plan is working just fine, I see

Please tell someone you have definitely made the decision and a timeline. Someone who loves you enough to push you to stick to it when the time comes.

It's far too easy to think 'oh well there's no chance between Xmas and new year' then it's 'nothing out to rent in January' then with 5 kids between you someone will have a birthday coming up you don't want to ruin, and so on. There's never a 'right time' the kids will be unsettled for some amount of time no matter when you do it. But tbh I don't think your kids sound all that keen on him anyway and some of them at least are old enough to understand.

He said "you texting your boyfriend"? I didn't answer him, then he said "I was only joking".

"No. In fact your behaviour has put me off dating for a very long time" - with the sweetest smile you can muster.

Honestly, there really is never a "right time" to make the decision to go or kick him out. However, now is the right time for YOU and you need to keep that in mind and free yourself.

I think you need to see if you can get your landlord to serve him notice, or maybe serve you BOTH notice, but guarantee you a continuation of tenancy.
You can tell the police that you are asking him to leave, and IF he starts staying in his car outside then thats harrassment. Its illegal to force someone to be in a relationship they dont want.