I really could do with some support

[Cowscockwithonions]

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

You're right across, I just hope that his "niceness" doesn't turn into nastiness.
My parents were so supportive and helpful, they were worried about me anyway, and they're relieved that I've told them- my dad said that he can guarantee that "dp" is putting on an act, and that if I decided to take him back, then things would be rosy for a few weeks, then he'd go back to normal.
I'm going to listen to my dad from now on- maybe if I'd listened the first time when he told me that I should stay away from him, I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
But then, if I had listened to him and got rid of "dp", then I wouldn't have our lovely son. So at least something positive has come out of this "relationship".

Make a list of all the misery he has caused you & when you feel like you are wavering, read it ! put a post-it on the fridge !!! he can be reminded too...
its BULLSHIT, it's the ABUSE CYCLE, do not give in, do not feel sorry, he has brought it to this..... It's time for him to face the music

I actually have started to do that mix- in the notes bit on my phone. The thing that's helping me the most is remembering my childrens faces last christmas when he was being a complete prick.
The kids are helping me so much right now- they don't know it because I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible with him still living here.

No problem Onions

Sometimes it takes someone else outside of the situation to tell you when something he is doing isn't right - even though you know he is abusive, sometimes it is hard to recognise what is and isn't abusive.

I am glad your parents are there for you. Your Father sounds like a very wise man and the kind of Dad you need in this situation.

Oh, I also came back to recommend you read a copy of "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It's incredibly insightful into abuse and how it manifests in a partner.

Unfortunately, it probably will turn into nastiness at some point, and probably sooner rather than later. Once someone like him realize that you no longer have the wool over your eyes, then they have to find a way to put all the blame on you. Blame for their behaviour, blame for the breakup. Above all, his type must remain blameless and a victim through it all. And so comes the 'anger' at the fact that you are no longer going to continue to make his easy life easy for him.

I think that's why it's important to enlist your folks help in getting shot of him ASAP. Whether you think your dad could 'bully' him out of the house (although since you've said Dad tends to make your problems his this may be a last resort thing), whether you can talk to your LL about breaking the joint tenancy and re-writing it in your name only, or whether you have to up-sticks and leave yourself.

Now is the time to start moving, but do it without fanfare. If you have any joint finances, simply move yours into a sole account. Get whatever bills you need to in your sole name and get your name off of any credit cards or debt that is actual solely his debt. Find out when your lease is up (if you don't know) and scan the document for info on breaking the lease or taking one of your names off. Get a good financial picture of what it takes to run your home (without him) to see if you can afford it. Once you've gotten all the information and made your decision (staying vs leaving), tell your stbx what you have decided to do. Present him with a 'fait accompli'.

For now, just continue to ignore him as much as you can. Don't react, don't buy in to his antics. Don't let him get a rise out of you.

if a man was treating my daughter like this I'd be livid Right. Hold that thought. Because if you continue with him, your daughter will grow up to think this is normal/acceptable and could end up being treated like this. Show her how unacceptable it is. Show her what to do if she ever does find herself in this position.

I think now you need to move things on if you can. You need to start sounding like a broken record.
I don't want any tea thank you, I JUST WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT. I'm not discussing this with you again I JUST WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT. I don't want to be with you anymore, I JUST WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT. I'm not responsible for your happiness, I JUST WANT YOU TO GO. I don't mind where you stay or go, I JUST WANT YOU TO GO. To every single thing he bloody says. Use your anger. Get firm. Very best of luck

Fantastic, I'm holding that thought for sure- i think I would be happy to throttle a man that did this to my daughter, she's 13 years old, so is taking everything in that she sees, I can't and won't let her think that it's ok to put up with being treated like crap.

Glad to hear that OP

Across, I've worked out the financial situation when we do split up- so had my dad. He had already looked up what I'd be entitled to benefits wise before I'd even told him about everything.
I will manage- I'll do anything work wise to keep us going.
"Dp" is still being nice, part of me wishes that he'd start being his usual horrible self so I could kick him out.
I'm prepared for him to turn nasty, Im waiting for it, I know that he will eventually, I just wish that for once in his selfish pathetic life, he'd do something decent and just move out and leave me alone

Tell him to go then.

But he won't, he says he has no where to go- and if I start being forceful, then I don't know what he'll act like. I'm feeling too fragile for confrontation ATM, it's my dsd 14th bday tomorrow, I can't ruin it for her.
I discussed things with my parents today, and if it comes to it, then I'll stay with them and tell him that he has a certain amount of time to leave

Glad you've gotten the financial info. Have you spoken to the LL about options for changing the lease?

Hi Cows, just wanted to pop on and give you some hope, I'm a couple of months down the line and like some others on here was oblivious to a lot of the ea going on in my 10+ year marriage. Even when I did open my eyes, it took almost another year to leave due to believing the excuses ( he was ill, I overreacted to a physical assault he thought was "nothing"he would change) needless to say he didn't and I decided to separate, leading to the same cycle of excuses, blame ( I was abusive, I was mental not him) threats (I will take the kids) blackmail (suicide threats) alternating between nice and nasty behaviour and like you I worried sbout what he would do next.
Following advice on here I stopped engaging with him, would only text to arrange contact and started the freedom programme.
And in my case this worked, none of the threats amounted to anything, once he realised I just wasnt bothered anymore and would happily ignore him he fucked off (and met someone else! Poor woman!)
Hopefully yours might do the same when he realises you mean it. I hope so because despite now being unemployed and a single parent, life is relaxed and I intend to make the most of it and make brilliant memories for my kids, I hope you can do the same. Sending you best wishes and strength for the next few weeks x

He's still being overly nice, apparantly he "hasn't eaten in days".
I think I preferred it when he was being horrible, at least I knew where I stood then.

He is being horrible. He's trying to manipulate you.

It's just horrible- we're being civil, but I'm constantly on edge, him just being here is getting on my last nerve, I don't know what he's thinking- whether he's trying to win me back or if he's accepted that it's over and will make plans to move out. I don't want to ask him as it will spark another row/ crying fest, I just don't have the energy anymore.
My friend and my parents are being wonderful, I don't know what I'd do without them.

Sorry coming in late and have read the whole thread.
You need to leave. I was in a very similar situation with my husband towards the end. He was told sleep in the spare room I want you out by the end of the month. He had no friends or family local. He kept trying to creep his way back in.
In the end, I took my kids and left to stay with my mum. It's not ideal but we're better here out that horrible atmosphere.
If he tries the sympathy vote - get angry. That's what I had to do to stop myself going back. Every time he tries to minimise or make excuses for how he has acted, just think how it's affected you. How dare he make out like its nothing?

Good luck, you will come through this!

Thanks toddler, I've been angry for a long time, and anger has helped me to stay strong so far, but I'm just so worn out with it all.
I will never ever take him back- my mind is made up, but my head is a mess, I'm by nature a caring person, and I find it hard to be nasty to anyone, no matter what they've done to me- what the fuck is wrong with me?
I have no desire to be nice to him, but I just can't bear to start another discussion about our "relationship", I have run out of energy.
All I want is to just get on with my life, just me and my children.

try a few one liners rather than discussing, then move away. ex:
"The relationship is over"
"You have x days before you will be leaving"
"Start clearing out your wardrobe"
"I'm not interested"
"Suck it up"

And regarding this one apparantly he "hasn't eaten in days"

You could say, "I should if I were you. You need to move out and you'll need your strength."

And then take some of your own advice. Do look after yourself Cows

He's really getting desperate, isn't he? Again, don't engage. Just either ignore or respond with a disinterested 'hmm' to anything he says. He's still trying to get a 'spark' of sympathy going in you so he can fan it into a forest fire. Don't let him.

I know it's hard, rather like someone continually poking you in the back in a queue. But you must let it roll off your back. Just repeat "Not my problem anymore" or "too little, too late" in your head.

I know you don't want a 'scene', but I do think you'll need to face him and tell him to leave at some point. His type isn't going to give up and leave of his own volition. Well, he may 'give up' but he won't leave. Why should he? He's not really feeling all the 'pain' he's carrying on about. He's perfectly content to let things go on like this forever. He has a roof over his head, a home for his children, and you to do the hard work of 'family life'. All he needs to do (in his mind) is carry on with his selfishness, interspersed with token gestures of 'kindness' and random displays of sorrow and/or guilt. Think about it, exactly how 'uncomfortable' do you really think he is with the status quo? My guess is 'not very'.

I know you aren't ready today, not even tomorrow. And that's OK. But I think you should set yourself a mental timetable for, perhaps, sometime soon after the holidays? No one wants to deal with something like this during the holidays plus it'll give you time to really gird your emotional loins for 'battle', confirm all your finances, perhaps start saving some money for deposits, and set a definite plan for a place to live (check rentals in your area so you'll have an idea, etc) in case he refuses to leave. And it may actually make the holidays easier to get through if you have a date in your mind: "On 10 January I'm telling him to get out by 30 January. I only have to put up with this until 30 January". Then you set your own plans for 1 February. Whether it ends up with you gone or him gone, at least it's done. (I'm not saying 10 Jan or 1 Feb, those are just random dates)

Remember that if there's going to be a 'scene', there will be a 'scene' whether it's tomorrow or 3 months from tomorrow. I hate scenes too, with a purple passion. They make me ill, figuratively and literally. But I've found that postponing them never makes them 'easier' and the horrible sick feeling of anticipation I get usually just makes the scene worse, because I've expended so much of my emotional 'strength' in dealing with the anticipation.

You've done so well to get this far and I'm so pleased to read that your parents are there for you.

It is worth contacting your landlord and asking about changing the tenancy, you have nothing to lose by doing so.

Across and random, thank you for replying.
There has already been two 'scenes' caused by me, where I've told him that it's over, that I want to be alone, just me and my children- he cried of course, but it's as if it went in one ear and out the other.
We've been civil since the 'scenes' but today , he said to me "what's wrong, why are u being so distant"?
Wtf??? I've told him that we're over, how many times do I need to tell him that it's over?
My friend says that he seems very thick skinned, she's right, how many times do I need to tell him that it's over?
I'm just worried that he's going to take his own life, he went out a few hours ago, not sure where, but he told me when we first met that he had thought about killing himself.