I really could do with some support

[Cowscockwithonions]

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

CuteAsaF0x - OMG reading this was like you were talking to me in my situation. This is such good advice, yet So incredibly hard to follow through! My mum wants to give my ex what for and tell him what she thinks of him and what he's done to me. I said mum, leave it. With this douchebag you'll just prove to him you're "unstable" as he always says and then go "there you are you see you and your family don't know how to handle yourself". I said the best thing you can do to ensure you really get under his skin is absolutely hold your head up high, be the better person and disengage.

Don't put yourself on some scale, measuring yourself against other women's stories. Just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean you aren't being abused. EA is very, very real. It's insidious, because it makes you doubt yourself. You deserve assistance from WA, the same as any person who finds her/himself in an intolerable position.

If he's just 'being civil', well, 'enjoy' it. I mean enjoy the respite from his verbal vomit.

And cute is very wise. The way to convince him that you are done, done, DONE is to not react and not defend. That you are so 'over it' that you really don't care.

I think I understand about your dad. You don't need another person 'taking over' your life and making it all about them.

Thanks across, you're posts seem to help me a lot- I just feel so much pressure.
I shall probably have to mention something to my parents as it's dsd birthday and they'll want to come round and see her, I may suggest I come to them and explain that the atmosphere here is a bit tense, and why. I don't want dsd's bday ruined over this- lord knows he's ruined enough occasions.

And thank u cute, you make a lot of sense, I've spent a lot of energy trying to explain myself, I felt so cold before if I tried to disengage, but it's the only way

I'm glad I can help.

I think talking to your folks may not be a bad idea. It would be one less thing you have to worry about doing. I think going to theirs is a good idea, too. That way if things get tense or you feel Dad is 'taking over' you can make an excuse and leave.

As far as your dad, just remember that what he's doing may be (hopefully) coming from a good place. Wanting to take over because he thinks he knows best but coming from a place of wanting to make it better for you, iyswim. Still not always helpful, I know, but it rests a little easier in your mind. I guess just try to listen to your Dad and decide where he's coming from; a place of 'misguided concern' ('Now you let me go over and I'll tell him what's what!') or 'true selfishness' ('What will people think', 'My heart can't take this', 'You must do , that's what's best'). No matter where it's coming from, though, you don't have to do what he says, nor do you have to submit to a lecture, no matter how kindly meant.

I tend to be 'Old Mother Smother' with my sons, but we've reached the point of my either realizing when I've started doing it and backing off or them now having the maturity to kindly point out that I've taught them well to be responsible adults and they can manage, thanks anyway Mum.

Across, I'm more worried about"dp" playing up than my dad, "dp" always acts weird around my parents, it's hard to describe, but he is a bit of an embarrassment in that he constantly interrupts and talks over them, or keeps going on about the same subject.
My dad despite his faults is a polite man, and he wouldn't cause a scene, I remember not long ago when my parents were visiting, I started talking about something and "dp" just blatantly started to talk over me about something else... I'm not even sure if he's aware that he's doing it, but my dad just looked at me, it was just a quick glance, but it almost said "how fucking rude"!

I have no doubt that anything my dad does is because he loves me, but he's always taken my problems on(and my siblings) as his own, and it's painful to watch.
I can see where he's coming from as I'm the same with my children, and if a man was treating my daughter like this I'd be livid, but I guess as an adult, it's my responsibility to sort my own problems out.
My dad and sm took me and my 3 kids in when my last relationship ended badly, we lived with them for 4 months, then when I found a place, they gave me the money for a deposit.
Last year they lent me money for a car too.
I just feel like all I do is take from them

I think I'm safe in saying that your parents (DF & SM) won't offer you anything they aren't comfortable with you having. And what they offer they do so out of love. So if they offer you houseroom or a loan, it's because they want you to have what you need. At this point in our lives my sons have 'taken' more from us than we have from them, and you may feel that you've taken more from your parents, but at some point that will change. It did for me. My parents paid our mortgage when we had no income, gave us their 'old' cars when we were skint, and cared for our sons when we needed it. I wondered if I'd ever be able to repay them. As they got older I cheerfully 'did' for them when they needed extra help. I drove them around, picked up things for them. I cared for my dad when he was ill and dying. I cared for my mother as she sank into dementia and made sure she was placed in a caring, safe facility when she could no longer stay home. I see her every other day. I consider myself privileged to be able to do these things out of love and gratitude. Your chance will come.

If your dad tries to take on your problems, tell him what my sons tell me: "You raised me right, to be a responsible adult. I can handle this. I want you to watch me and be proud of me".

As far as DP kicking off, I agree it's better your folks be aware of what's going on. It's not fair for them to walk in not knowing, they're sure to pick up on the tension or his 'attitude'.

Perhaps you could take DSD (alone) to see your folks on her birthday. Honestly, I think the less 'family things' you do with your DP around and the more on your own, the better. Sort of lets him know that he's no longer family, iyswim.

At the moment he's being the "perfect partner", doing the washing, buying things I like from the shops, being really nice to the kids - I don't care though.
The kids bedrooms are untidy- usually he'd moan about it, calling them dirty tramps and animals, but he's not said a thing.
I've spent most of the day at a friends house (I've told her what's happening, and she's very supportive as she's been through the same thing)
Please tell me I'm doing the right thing by ending things, he's making me feel so bad.
The relationship is definately over, I just need some reassurance

Listen to your friend. She knows you, and presumably knows him.

So he is being nice. Why couldn't he be nice all the time ? It's not meant to be a spectator sport.

She's only been my friend for about a year, and has only met him a couple of times, but she did say that there's something not quite right about him.
I'm so fucking angry with him and the way he's acting- our son (who is 4) is so confused and emotional, usually "dp" is blunt and a tad aggressive, but he's being very gentle and kind at the moment, I think that ds is picking up on something, although we've not argued, I don't know if he feels that his dad is acting differently, I guess he must be picking up something, I'm acting normally though.
I will tell my parents this week. I can't keep this to myself for much longer

You're doing the right thing, you can't live your life walking on eggshells wandering what will set your 'd'p off.

Tell friends and family get all the support you can.

Just remember all the times he's done this. It's never lasted before and it won't last this time. It'll be back to the status quo as soon as he sees he had you back where he wants you.

Stay angry. Right now anger is your friend. And yes, tell your folks. The more support you have the better.

I've told a couple of friends, it's helped a lot to tell them.
The two friends that I have told have also been in abusive relationships, I'd never have imagined them being in the same situation that I'm in, but apparantly they were.
Both of them are now in happy relationships.
I hope that one day, I'll be with someone that will love me and treat me with respect

You're right acrossthepond , I Need to stay angry, I am angry, I wish he'd just fuck off out of my life, I hate him right now

Things are getting better for me, I've told my sister about all this, she's shocked, but is being so supportive, I'm starting to feel a bit stronger now

I still need all of your support and back up though, it's helped me so much x

MN is always here.

MN has helped me so much, I didn't realise how shitty and abusive my "relationship" was until I read some of the other posts on here from women who are going through the same thing that I am.
I just thought it was normal and ok to be in a relationship where you felt like crap, but 20% of the time he was nice, so it's acceptable

It's so easy to 'isolate' ourselves in an abusive relationship. Much easier not to talk about it because then we have to face those who know 'the truth' every day.

MN allows us to slowly absorb bits and pieces of other people's stories until we realize that those bits and pieces actually reflect our lives, not just that person on the 'other side' of the internet. And it allows us to take action in our own time, without feeling that the 'real' people in our lives are timing us with a stopwatch.

I'm glad you talked to your sister. And I'm glad you know that we're still here, too.

I've done it, I told my parents.
They were relieved that I've told them as they knew something was wrong.
They're being very supportive and are there for me and the kids with any help we need.
God it all feels so real now, I can't believe I'm actually doing it.
Right now, anger is my friend, it's the
Only thing that's keeping me going- not angry or aggressive towards him or anyone else, I just keep remembering all the nasty things he's
said/done. I need to stay angry, otherwise I'll just cry- I feel like I've ruined his life, and he's acting all wounded and sad- I feel like I've kicked a puppy.

OP, you are highly likely to feel like you have kicked a puppy, because that is exactly how he is manipulating you to feel.

Don't let him elicit those feelings in you. Stay angry and remember that this is just anther emotionally abusive tactic to manipulate you into staying with him.

Thanks aramynta. I need to hear that. I need to stay strong- it's so bloody hard though.
I'm a kind caring person, and I hate hurting anyone, or seeing anyone upset- so me acting all cold an hard hearted around someone who is obviously sad/ upset/ heart broken goes against every instinct I have.
I must stay strong.

Oh I'm so glad you told them! I knew they'd have your back.

Yes, it's all too real, isn't it? But we can deal with realities, can't we? It's the make-believe bullshite like his 'Oh, I'm so hurt' and 'I've changed' that's hard to deal with!

He's not sad/upset/heartbroken because he loves you and wants to do right. He's exactly like the thief who has been caught. He's not sorry he stole but he's really sorry he's going to jail! So now he's spouting all sorts of "Oh, Glory Hallelujah! I've seeeeen the liggghhtt!" to get you back in the box. PHFFFTT!!!!

Next time he pulls that crap, remember how it was when one of your kids did that 'fakey cry' thing when they didn't get their way. Remember how they'd cover their faces and cry heartrending sobs for, then peep out dry-eyed to see if you were moved by their 'tears' and started in again when you were sat there looking like . Same thing.

where did that random 'for' come from?