I really could do with some support

[Cowscockwithonions]

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

I have just ( 3 months ago ) left a 12 year marriage. The last 2 years of this were spent living in the same house in exactly the same situation you are in. He refused to move out, and so did I. Those 2 years were hell on earth and nearly broke me. The nice side ( making tea, doing chores) was apparent less and less, until eventually he couldn't keep it up for more than an hour at a time. He became more and more desperate when he saw nothing was going to work. He would cause a crisis just so he could fix it. These became increasingly elaborate and dangerous. The mind games increased to the point of him "attempting suicide ".
In the end I had him removed.
The last two months have been emotionally difficult. Guilt, sorrow for the loss of what I thought we had, remorse. He is also a lot older than me and I felt terrible for how I had treated him so coldly over the 2 years. I made up all sorts of excuses as to what I could have done to fix it. I made myself ill.
He, on the other hand, did not look back and is actively seeking his next victim. Letting everyone know how aweful I was and how he's so much better now. And so the retribution has begun. No empathy at all.
Then I found MN. I had no idea I had been suffering 10 years of emotional abuse. That sounds ridiculous, but it's true.
I have now stopped analysing what was real and what was not.
None of it was real. Hard to accept, but true.
Do not waste time. Leaving is inevitable.

[Cowscockwithonions]

Yes I have some screen shots.
How long will he keep this up for when I've told him it's over?

[Cowscockwithonions]

If touregoingthrough I'm glad u got out of that awful situation , 2 years? I've only had a week of this shit, and I've had enough already.
The funny things is, whenever we have rowed in the past he's threatened to walk out and leave me, early in the relationship I'd cry and beg him not to go- now I just wish he'd fall off the face of the earth, I don't hate him, I don't feel anything for him at all because he's not real- everything he says is a lie, just for his own benefit.

[Cowscockwithonions]

I keep reminding myself of what my daughter (13) said about last christmas- "it didn't even feel like christmas", as he caused such tension and bad feeling, and the year before too, he always ruins special occasions , and when my family used to invite him over for dinner or someone's bday, he'd always have some sort I problem with the food, which he wouldn't eat, making everyone else feel awkward.
And he wonders why he never gets invited to any family get togethers

[Cowscockwithonions]

Btw ifyoure, thank you for your post, it helps a lot to hear other peoples experiences, sometimes I wonder if it's my fault- if I should've been more tolerant.
And sometimes, I do get the odd pang of guilt, but then I remind myself how many times he's made me cry/ made me feel like shit, and then the guilt goes

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree, don't engage. Either ignore and walk away or, if it's appropriate to what he's saying, respond (repeatedly) with "If that's true, then you'd leave and give me the space I'm asking for".

I think a huge part of it is that, apparently, he has no place to go? You've said he has a child living with you, could that be one of the reasons he's hanging on so, because of no place to put the child? Have you contacted the child's mother or family?

[ifyouregoingthroughhell]

You must keep reminding yourself OP. Because my situation went on for so long, when he was no longer in my face, and I wasn't on high alert, the anger went. That was replaced with guilt and self blame. Because I had been counteracting all his cruel tricks by being heartless and cold back, I started to question my own behaviour. I started to believe I was the one abusing him.
All I was doing was trying to detach myself from his abuse.
Over the last month, now I realise he has abused me from day one, I know I was his victim and "the worm turned". I know I am not the abuser, because I felt guilt, remorse and empathy. He never will.
I had had enough. Don't wait like I did. It doesn't get better, you just end up feeling worse about yourself.
Stay on MN and get support.

[ElleAndAitch]

As far as I am concerned, OP, you have been offered two avenues of real escape by AnyFucker that would guarantee the ball got rolling in bringing this monster to his knees and freeing yourself & your kids: contact Women's Aid and ring your dad. WHY ON EARTH HAVEN'T YOU RUNG HIM YET??

Your repeated posts about how intolerable this is...DO something! Ring your dad ffs and stop puttinv off the one thing you know would be a step in the right direction. He ISN'T going to leave!

[SeaCabbage]

Option 3 was to speak to your landlord and get him off the tenancy.

Your ex partner is not your problem.

You have to act. If not for you then for your kids because of course they will be suffering, even if you think they are not.

[ElleAndAitch]

I saw some excellent advice on mumsnet only yesterday re emotional abuse where the partner is not actually physically violent. The poster told the OP to ring the non-emergency police and report him. Excellent idea.

[Cowscockwithonions]

My repeated posts were helping me to sound off/ rant, I'm sorry for annoying anyone

[AcrossthePond55]

Don't worry if someone gets annoyed. That's their problem, not yours. You're just trying to get perspective and to put things in writing so you can see them from 'outside'. There's nothing wrong with that.

You know what you need to do. You will when the time is right.

[Aramynta]

Forget about anyone being annoyed about what you are and aren't doing OP. It is up to you when you decide to call your father or take any other action to force this man out of your life.

This is your place to sound off and rant about what's going on. Don't let anyone else push you just because your not rushing to do everything straight away.

[mix56]

There are several things you can do to show P you are are not giving in.
Take the kids out & leave him on his own, don't confide, just go & do something together (swimming for example, cinema, museum, picnic, cycle ride ????) you can tell him that your family know & you are having Xmas with them (without him) if this isn't possible, what about booking a cheap holiday over Xmas for you & the kids ? there will be some UNBELIEVABLY cheap 5 day cruises over Xmas for example.
How old is his 1st child? how long has s/he lived with you ? Ask him what is going to happen with her ? obviously you need to prepare this carefully. does s/he see the mother ? The seriousness of this alone, may make him realise that this is irreparable, & he cannot manipulate you any more.
You just keep saying, The game is over. It is broken, & he may be banging on with false promises, but you are past that. Even if he was sorry (he's not) & wanted to repair things, HE CAN'T, it's too late, you don't want him or his killjoy oppression any more. He must move out.
You need to change the "tone", speak to him with authority & not someone dominated, speak to him like you would an employee. firm, authoritarian & final.
DETACH.

[AnyFucker]

Don't be afraid of saying the same things over and over. But don't be upset if you keep getting the same advice x

[Cowscockwithonions]

Thanks guys, I was going to stop posting, but this thread is a huge support.
I know what I have to do, and I'm
Going to do it, I'm not stupid, and I'm certainly not giving in.
I merely use this thread to sound off,
And also to hear other women's experiences of these sort of relationships.
I have a busy day today, my son played a football match, my daughter has a party to go to.
In answer to the questions about his daughter-she is 14 next week, she has no contact with her mother due
To drug abuse.
She's a tough cookie, and will get through this. Tbh, I think she'd prefer it if it was just her and her dad- she's never really liked me.
When I came along, her and her dad
Had a strange relationship- more like friends than parent and child, he'd confide in her, she was allowed to
watch unsuitable films with him- nothing sinister, just unsuitable.

[AnyFucker]

Elle is a supportive poster, what she says is right. Of course though, you should take from your thread the advice and support you find most helpful.

[Cowscockwithonions]

I'm sure Elle is a supportive poster- I'm just feeling a bit fragile at the moment.
Her blunt to the point post is usually something I'd be cheering on if she was telling someone else, but at the moment, I just need a bit of TLC.
Or maybe I need a good shake, when I look at my situation from an outsiders point of view, I can see how annoying I must be by dithering

[Cowscockwithonions]

Also, my dad isn't the easiest person to be around/ talk to, funnily enough his behaviour when I was a child wasn't that much different to my "dps" . Although tbf , he has mellowed out a lot, it's just that sometimes when someone else has a problem, he takes it on as his own problem and gets extremely stressed- sometimes making the problem worst for the person to deal with- I hope that makes sense.
I will get out of here though, I'm determined of that

[CuteAsaF0x]

You are doing the right thing.

My x was abusive and made me feel SO guilty for leaving him. HE turned it all around so that it was a discussion about all my faults.

DO tell WA. It takes such focus to break away when you're being hoovered back in.

I left. You have to leave. You can't get a man like that to leave. He will never respect your wishes.

[Cowscockwithonions]

I went on the women's aid site- reading some of the survivor stories made me feel pretty lame- they've been badly beaten and bullied. I'm not sure if my situation warrants any help from women's aid

[CuteAsaF0x]

Do not put yourself on trial any more.

If he says you're ignoring him, shrug. If he lists off all of your ''faults'' don't defend yourself. At the moment you are defending yourself to him, that is evidence that you care what he thinks. SO he keeps drama baiting you, giving everything you do/say the most negative interpretation possible and forcing you to defend yourself to him! as though he were your boss or your jailer. Basically when you 'engage' in these discussions, all it does is reassure him that he still has you on a hook. You still care what he thinks of you. You still seem to need his good opinion of you, which he never bestows, regardless.

I left my x but it was another 18 months before I got this. The first think I ever did that got through to him was when he realised I had dropped the rope and walked away. It is counter intuitive to let a toxic blamer have the last word, but that's what you'll do if you're smart.

Defend yourself in a legal context, but to the court, to the judge. DO not waste another breath defending yourself or your 'behaviour' or your actions or your words to him.

[Cowscockwithonions]

He's not really been speaking to me.
Just civil stuff, no in depth discussions about anything.

[AnyFucker]

Show yourself some TLC, lovey

You don't deserve what this bloke has done to you.

[AnyFucker]

Good advice there from cute

Disengaging is a very powerful tool. It's the only one you have really, because doing anything else simply sucks more of your energy and that is what he uses against you.