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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I really could do with some support

268 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 13:55

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

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AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2015 23:23

Can you put the key in the lock or put the chain on the door so he can't just get back in?

I agree, tell your parents. Tell them that you know you want it to be over but you feel frightened that you'll weaken, I'm sure they'll want to support you and give you strength. I second it if you can get someone to come over, especially someone where he'll see their car in the drive and know you aren't alone to be bullied.

You are doing the right thing. Hang in there.

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Muddlewitch · 26/10/2015 21:58

How are things today cows?

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Cowscockwithonions · 27/10/2015 13:24

He came back, he says he has nowhere to go, I've said he can stay till he finds somewhere to live.
He's been crying, begging, promising to change, making me feel awful. I've told him it's over, he won't accept it, god give me strength.

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AnyFucker · 27/10/2015 13:32

That was a huge mistake. Haloween Sad

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Cowscockwithonions · 27/10/2015 13:41

But he has absolutely no where to go, and the house is a joint tenancy. He has no family, no mates nobody
And I've not taken him back, he knows it's over

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Cowscockwithonions · 27/10/2015 13:41

He's just trying to change my mind, but that's not going to happen

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Muddlewitch · 27/10/2015 13:48

Have you got anywhere you could go temporarily while he sorts somewhere? What is he doing about finding somewhere?

You will get through this op, stay strong and remember why you made this decision and stick to it, despite the emotional pressure I fear he will put on you.

How are you doing in practical terms? Is he sleeping on the sofa? Is it a private or council/housing association tenancy? Do you know what steps you need to take to take it on alone?

I don't mean to ask lots of questions, just trying to keep you focused on the long term aim.

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Cowscockwithonions · 27/10/2015 13:50

He's been on the sofa for a good few months now, it's private rent. And I have four kids, there's nowhere I can go with all of them.
I just wish he'd stop dragging this out, it's horrible.

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Cowscockwithonions · 27/10/2015 13:51

Oh, forgot to say, he's waiting on some compensation after an accident at work, he can use the money from that to find another place

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Cowscockwithonions · 27/10/2015 13:54

Also, his daughter lives with us full time- sorry to drip feed, am in a mess emotionally. So there's my four and his child, making 5 of them

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AcrossthePond55 · 27/10/2015 14:30

Remember that HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! He's gotten himself into this situation because of his own behaviour. Honestly, when I kicked my abusive ex out I really couldn't have cared less if he ended up sleeping on a park bench. I gave him a week (which in retrospect was generous) but told him after that the locks were being changed and he was out, out, out! This was many years ago, granted, and the LL was a family friend, but the idea is the same. He's made his bed (or lack of one) now he can go lie in it!

And the fact that he has no mates speaks volumes, doesn't it. Let him go to a cheap motel or a homeless shelter. You owe him nothing!

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Cowscockwithonions · 29/10/2015 18:26

He's still here- and being sickly sweet to me, despite me telling him that it's over, he's told me that he'll change, that he knows he's a miserable bastard.
I've heard it all before, I've been here a thousand times, when he treats me like crap, I feel horrible and swear that the relationship is over, this time I mean it though, I really have had enough, why should I have to live my life like this? Never knowing what mood he's going to be in?
He's acting all hard done by, he suffers with a bad back sometimes- and apparantly he's hurt it again, he's hobbling around, and has "fallen over" in the bathroom.
Usually he's quite strict with the kids- now he's being really nice to them.
He keeps making me cups of tea and food, despite the fact I've said I'm not hungry/thirsty.
He's making me feel like a bitch, but I don't feel anything ATM, I just know that it's over.
I need to stay strong- but I've had a few weak moments, like when he's crying saying I mean the world to him.
I know in my heart that it's over, it's been over for a long time, we haven't had sex for a good few months, and the last few times we did, I just felt irritated, like I wanted to push him off me,
I still feel bad though, I don't know why.

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Cowscockwithonions · 29/10/2015 18:33

I feel so sad that things have turned
out like this, I had just come out of an awful relationship when I met "dp", all I ever wanted was to be happy and loved, and now I'm back at square one :-(

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darlingish · 29/10/2015 18:52

I was where you are 2 years ago.
Honestly if I can do it you can.
Theres been ups and lots of downs I also have 4 dc.
At one point my ex of many years told me I had 10 seconds to take him back or he would drive into a brick wall and kill himself then lost his mobile signal - that was the worst moment ever for me I literally lost it .

Here helped me a lot .
I had no family support but one very good friend who listened .
I am now always exhausted and much thinner !
I took some time off work, bought a couple of self help books, went to bed early , booked in for free councelling at the Gp`s , ate well and walked a little every day .
I cried buckets .
Yes I cried in front of the kids but like you they witnessed abuse year upon year and it was never going to get better .We got through it together .

I never ever put their father down to them .

You and your partner are their role model for their future relationships .
Would you want you daughter in a relationship like yours ???
That's what made me stick to my guns and Im so glad now.
Now im divorcing him, Im not as broke as I thought id be and I can afford to buy a new place in about 18 months .
My 2 eldest have supported me and I am soo soo happy that my two youngest who live with me still will hopefully never rememeber the shouting and awful atmosphere they witnessed .
I want them to see healthy relationships and respect and loyalty and honesty ect and now they do .
We all work together ( they are 12 and 5 and yes they have chores ), but we play together now.We have snuggles in bed at the weekend and get crumbs in the bed and laugh a lot !!
Also Im seeing a lovely gentleman and I don't think it will lead anywhere but Ive spent the last 7 months being wined and dined with the occasional night away and hes made to feel like a princess which we are .
I also have a life long friend .

Set you bar high and your children will too.
Honestly it sounds so complicated right now and it is hard for you with his dc living with you but give her lots of reassurance and love and be consistent - how old is she can you talk to her ?
When my ex left ( very dramatically twice ) I felt like a huge black cloud had been lifted from the whole house . I was scared stiff. Never even changed a light bulb in 27 years never mind catch a spider .

Be kind to yourself .
Life is short and if your really not happy why are you delaying it ?
You are putting his needs ahead of yours and the family _ is he doing the same for you ?
Do you love him ?
Nothing you do is wrong so hang in there and make your decisions wisely and firmly when you do .
Come on here for some hand holding.

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AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 19:35

So he says he'll change, eh? Yeah, famous last words. Just remind him that he doesn't have to be living with you to show you he can change. As a matter of fact, the fact that he hasn't left is showing you that he isn't interested in really changing, because he isn't doing the one thing that you have asked him to do, leave and give you space. All he's doing is performing 'tricks' that actually cost him very little, effort-wise, to smooth you over. How much effort to make you a cup of tea? 10 minutes worth? How much effort to make a massive change in who you are? Years and years of work. Work he isn't really interested in doing.

Did you ever speak to your parents?

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AnyFucker · 29/10/2015 22:10

watch out for the suicide "attempts"

this manipulative bastard sounds like he will try anything

he had a "fall" in the bathroom, did he ? Sure, he fell over his arse hanging out

God, where do these men get o0ff ?

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 03:26

Yea I'm waiting for the suicide attempts and threats.
He's hobbling around- like he wants me to feel sorry for him, he's even talking in a different voice- a soft gentle tone, I just know that he'll snap soon and be his usual horrible self.
Like a pp said, if he respected my decision, he'd leave, he's minimising everything he's ever said/done to me, explaining it away as him "joking", or it being someone else's fault , or "he
was in agony" with his back/head/whatever.
He always seems to be in pain with something when I get angry over something that he's done

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 03:29

Thanks darlingish, your post was inspirational, I sincerely hope that I'm out of this horrible situation ASAP, I've felt trapped and suffocated for a long time.

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Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 06:44

He's pulling out all the stops isn't he, I'm glad you can see through what he is doing. You are doing great, stay strong.

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HellonHeels · 30/10/2015 07:43

Sorry if I've missed this but when is your tenancy up? Can you make plans to keep the place on in just your name?

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 08:16

It's an ongoing tenancy, we've been living here for 3 years.
He certainly is pulling out all the stops- he's just brought me tea in bed... If I dare protest and tell him I don't want his bloody tea- he says in a pathetic voice "why are u being so horrible to me?"
So for the kids sake, I'm being civil, it's the only way at the moment.

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 08:20

Btw, it's helping a lot to post on here, and it helps to know that his behaviour isn't acceptable, at the moment, I'm being made to feel like the abusive one.

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Rozalia · 30/10/2015 08:25

Stay strong OP. Getting ready for work now so no time to post at length, but glad you're seeing his manipulations.

I got free from a long marriage which sounds like your relationship. Didn't think I could do it, but I did. I'm so happy now, a few months later. I'd forgotten what real happiness felt like.

Will check in later. You can do it!

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 08:34

Thank you, I'm feeling stronger than I have done in a long time- but I just know there'll be more emotional blackmail to come.
He's already tried to use our son as a weapon- the other day he said "it'd destroy ds if we split".
Then he said "if u kick me out I won't bother seeing ds anymore as it'll confuse him and upset him if he doesn't live with us anymore".!
Then saying how much he loves my kids.
I'm just waiting for him to threaten to take our ds away from me- he's said it before when he was a baby and we were rowing.
I'm also expecting him to use my MH issues against me- I have anxiety, and am on sertraline for it- in the past he's called me "mental" for this.
He really is a cunt

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Rozalia · 30/10/2015 08:35

He's not helping your anxiety, is he? Probably causing it.

Stay strong. MN has your back. X

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