I really could do with some support

[Cowscockwithonions]

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

[Cowscockwithonions]

My parents know I've decided to leave or kick him out, there was another crying fest this morning when I decided to confront him- again, saying that he has to move out, it's over etc, he's just saying the same crap, he loves me too much, can't lose the kids, etc.
So I just went out to my parents, they're being very supportive.
I will get through this, I have to. I'm staying strong

[OhBeloved]

Don't try to put up with this for another 7 weeks!

The best Christmas you can give your kids is a relaxed happy home - imagine Christmas without him there.

Imagine how relaxed you would all be. You could do what you like when you like with no one in a mood or kicking off and blaming you for everything.

You're quick/best route out of this is to speak to your ll. Say what you posted above. Stop procrastinating and just do it. What have you got to lose? Your ll can only say no.

WA can give you proper rl support if you contact them. They might even speak to the ll for you.

[OhBeloved]

One thing to be totally clear on - he will NOT move out of his own volition. You will have to be the one to take action.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh Beloved is right. He won't move. I think you should seriously make plans with your parents for moving in and then just tell him as soon as you've talked to them that you will be moving home on 1 Jan and that the responsibility for the rent on your current place will be totally his as of that date as you will be removing your name from the joint lease on 31 Dec. And then start moving things over to your parent's to show him that you are serious. If he can't afford the rent on his own it may push him into getting his own place, but don't depend on that. It's worth the gamble since it's a 99% certainty that you'll end up being the one to leave in the end anyway.

And do, please, exclude him from any Christmas festivities at your parents and do not accompany him to any festivities at his family's. Tell him you will not be buying him any gifts, and you will not accept any gifts from him as you are no longer 'family' to each other.

[mix56]

Tell him, to sit down & listen...
Do not accept any interruptions.
Tell him that if he refuses to go, you will be leaving on x date
He will end up with the rent & a house too large for 1 person alone, & a rent he can't afford
So in order to do the LEAST possible damage to everyone, particularly his own child, he should grow up & move out , leaving the DCs,at least in the short term, in their familiar habitat.
tell him, THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. YOU ARE DONE WITH HIS MANIPULATION & SNIVELLING BULLSHIT, No-one is falling for it any more.
Any half wit can understand this logic

I think you will find that real problem is that he doesn't know what to do about his own DD.

[Cowscockwithonions]

I know that what you're all saying makes sense- he HAS to leave- he's not being rational at the moment, I've told him that it's over numerous times- and he starts questioning me and asking what he's "done wrong". Then he starts crying. I know it's all an act, I'm not stupid.
I'm going to try and talk to him tonight (again), it's like trying to reason with a toddler, but I have to try and get through to him.

[Cowscockwithonions]

At the moment, I feel like getting into bed and hiding, I wish someone else could sort him out

[SkaterGrrrrl]

Unlurking to say LTB.

I did, and am now with someone respectful and kind- a real man.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh Cows I don't think you are listening to us. You say "he HAS to leave". No, really, he doesn't 'have to' leave, in the sense that 'have to' means it's mandatory. He should, but he won't. What he 'should' do and what he 'will' do are two different things. So I think you really need to sit yourself down, love, and get a good understanding that your wishing it won't make it so and that you are the one who 'has to' move. For your own peace and sanity, and the wellbeing of your children.

If you think you can 'wait him out' you really can't. He is perfectly satisfied with things as they are. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care that you are unhappy and in pain. He only knows that he can 'stonewall' you and put you off for as long as he feels like it. And he's got it real good with things as they are. There's nothing in him that is telling him he needs to do the right thing, in fact it's quite the contrary. He's telling himself that all he has to do is keep doing what he is, because you will give up in the end, just as you've always done. Because it's working, so far, isn't it? It's up to YOU to take the action needed to separate and unfortunately, that action is to pack up and leave.

[mix56]

Yes, hard words from Across......
He doesn't believe you can break him.
Please stop doing any single thing for him. No food, No Laundry,
NO fucking anything until this is sorted.
This is it, you have decide that you have finished with this purgatory .
When he speaks to you, saying nothing is so passive. He will ignore it.
What about "On your bike Dick head."

[Cowscockwithonions]

I am going to get out.
About a month ago, I was out in the car. The handbrake is broken, and if u pull it up, there's a complex thing you have to do to release it.
I accidentally pulled it up, and phoned him (he was at home) to ask how to fix it- he explained but I couldn't do it, he was shouting down the phone at me.
My nine year old son told me today that when he got off the phone to me, he was calling me a stupid cunt (when my son told me he spelled the word out) and a dickhead.
This was also in front of our four year old son.
My 11 year old ds said he doesn't want him to go, that he thinks he's "nice sometimes and is only horrible when he's in a bad mood", this is the same son that he called a cunt a few weeks ago for some mild back chatting.
I'm not having my son, or any of my children thinking this is a normal way to live.
I have e mailed women's aid, I'm not sure how they're going to help, but I'm fucking fuming, with him and myself.
I feel like I've ruined my kids lives- my son thinks this is all ok
I think he may need some counselling once this is all over.

[Cowscockwithonions]

Also, today he went out, our ds4 asked him where he was going- normally he'd tell him but he just said "out".
He was gone for about an hour, later I discovered my bottom drawer open- it has "sexy underwear" and stockings etc in it- I never open it as I never wear any of the shite that he's bought for me.
Not long ago he advertised himself on Craigslist- he wanted a man to wank over him while he ("dp") wore my knickers.
I suspect that's where he went today, I don't care if he did, he can shag as many men as he wants, but I just thought how fucked up my life was that when I saw my underwear drawer opened, that I'd think "oh it's open because he's taken a pair of my knickers to wear while a man wanks over him".

[AnyFucker]

Yep, that is pretty off the scale of fuckedupness

How calmly you accept it.

[Cowscockwithonions]

Anyfucker, what do you mean by that?

[Cowscockwithonions]

What do u mean by "how calmly I accept it"?

[AnyFucker]

Isn't that what you meant by "fucked up". That you don't think twice about the fact that you have underwear missing and you know exactly why.

[Cowscockwithonions]

I don't know if there is any underwear missing, I just know that the drawer was open. I don't keep track of my knickers, if he took a pair then I wouldn't notice- in the past he's bought "sexy" knickers which aren't to my taste, so they get shoved in the drawer

[PowerPantsRule]

What AnyFucker means is this - if MY husband had gone out for an hour, refused to tell me where he was going, and booked an appointment for a man to walk over him whilst using my own pants, I would not be so calm and accepting. I would be either a) not there when he came back or b) bin bagging all his stuff and leaving it on the step.

You've been so brow beaten you cannot see how unacceptably he is behaving.

[AnyFucker]

I thought it was just me for a moment there

[Cowscockwithonions]

I don't know for sure where he went, and whether he met a man or not, it was just my gut instinct, and when I found my underwear drawer open, my imagination went into overdrive.
I really couldn't give a shit if he's shagging men, I wish he'd just meet someone (male or female) and fuck off out of my life, I hate him and what he's done to me and my children

[AnyFucker]

I hate him too.

[Cowscockwithonions]

Power and af, please don't underestimate me, u don't know me, u don't know how I'm feeling right now, I'm not "brow beaten" at all. I'm not going to let a stupid, pathetic, abusive arsehole beat me.

[Cowscockwithonions]

Af, I hate myself for letting him do this to me, I feel so helpless.

[AnyFucker]

I never said I underestimate you. I am reflecting back what you said. But I have to say you tell us how bad it is, we agree and then you pull back. I think you are so conditioned to doing that, you don't even realise that is what you are doing.

[AnyFucker]

Aww, don't hate yourself. It weakens you and undermines your resolve. Hate him

Don't let him win. Don't sit back while the tactics he has been using for years continue to be successful.