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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I really could do with some support

268 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 13:55

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 17:21

no

the nasty behaviour will stop just long enough to get you back under the spell

and then back it comes

AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 17:21

tell us what he said, make it real

Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 17:25

His shame, not yours. You can tell anyone you want to tell, he is the one in the wrong you have nothing to be ashamed of. You can tell us, or not if you don't want to, but whatever it is the only person it is a reflection on is him.

He is trying to play a game, you are doing really well to see it and not play along.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 17:32

When I was pregnant with our son (5yrs ago) we were living separately, I had a gut feeling that he was cheating.
He has a "thing" for sniffing my knickers And to cut a long story short, I found out that he'd been buying used underwear on ebay, through lots of snooping I found his secret e mail address, where he'd been exchanging messages with someone, the messages implied that they'd had sex, to cut another long story short, he'd apparantly had sex with a cross dressing man
I was afraid to confront him at the time, I was afraid of his reaction to me snooping.
Just recently he started accusing me of cheating on him- I have a FB account, he hates FB, and only recently had the guts to ask him if he was ok with the fact I'm on FB.
I brought up his sleeping with a man, which he of course denied.
Also, he recently advertised himself on Craigslist, asking for a transvestite, or cross dresser to "pleasure themselves" over him while he wears women's underwear.

OP posts:

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 17:34

That was so awful to admit to, I'm ashamed

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 17:35

What a fucking mess my life is

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Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 17:41

Does he know that you know about those things?

You really have nothing to be ashamed of. It's no reflection on you. He sounds very confused and also like he wants you there and to have this other life as well, and then behaves appallingly when that doesn't work out for him.

You are doing absolutely the right thing ending it, this is no way for you to live. I think if I was you I would be telling him that he needs to go and soon. Where is not your problem.

IDismyname · 30/10/2015 17:44

Oh, Cow - get you and your children away from this man. He's seriously bad news.
Listen to the good advice you're getting here, and act on it as soon as you can.
Be strong...

AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 17:46

Why are you ashamed ?

Lovey, it seems to me that this man hates women. It's not just you, it's actually not a personal thing.

The trouble is, while you remain in his toxic orbit you are the one in the line for him to take his inadequacy out on.

Stop listening to his crap. He is fucked up and you cannot fix him. You must look to fix yourself...and the only way to do that is to get away from him.

Disengage. Decide right here and now his words have no more meaning for you becaus eit is is true. he has lied and dceived and manipulate d and fucked with your head over and over again

It is within your power to stop it. He won't stop it by himself. He won't wake up tomorrow a changed man.

This is who he is.

On Monday, call Women's Aid and ask for the names of local solicitors who have experience in getting women out of abusive situations with the best finacial outcome.

There are no other options for you here.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 17:48

I know he's bad news, He knows I know about the man he supposedly slept with- but he denies it, and the Craigslist posts have been deleted- as has the e mail he sent to a man about a month ago arranging to meet for sex, this man said he couldn't meet up as he was busy. He'll just deny deny deny, as I have no proof now

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Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 17:51

You don't need proof. You know. You know he is wrong and always will be. You know he won't change. You know he will lie and twist and do anything to get his own way. You know what kind of a life lies ahead if you stay. Please know you deserve so much more.

AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 17:51

You don't need proof. You know it happened. You know what would have happened if this other cocktease guy had been up for it.

You deserve better than this. This man wants to diminish you so he can feel better about his inadequacy.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 17:52

I know that he's not right- he fell out with his mum over something, He has no contact with any of his family, I've never met any of his family, no one.
My dad told me that he was bad news after meeting him, I wish I'd listened to him.

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AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 17:55

It's not too late to put it right.

Thattimeofyearagain · 30/10/2015 17:57

tell your parents, get their support.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 17:58

I'm scared to ask women's aid for help, it makes things so real, and I'm also worried that they'll call social services if I tell them he's abusive.
I hate myself for getting into a relationship with him, when I met him I'd just got out of a "marriage" where I was cheated on constantly, I thought he was my saviour, that he'd look after me.
Slowly but surely, he has worn me down-drained me, just like my dad said he would

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AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 17:59

Women's Aid will not call Social Services.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:06

When I mention my parents- I actually mean my dad and step mum, my mum died when I was 15- part of the reason why I don't want to tell my dad, he's had so much sorrow in his life, and he's helped me through a lot.
When my marriage broke down and my ex was harassing me, he took me and his 3 grandchildren in and we lived with him and my stepmum (who is lovely)
And last year they loaned us money to buy a car, if I split up with "dp" it'll be hard for me to pay it back.
I just don't want to ask them for help, cos I know they'll feel obligated to help me, I'd feel so pathetic and stupid

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AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 18:08

One reason after another to not change your life for the better.

Keep finding the reasons and you will stay right where you are

AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 18:09

If I knew my daughter was in a situation like this, I would move heaven and earth to get her out. Then I would do it again if necessary. And again.

You are not letting your dad help you by nit telling him how bad things are. Do you think that is fair of you ?

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:11

Anyfucker, you're right, there's always a reason, but I know that I can't carry on like this, I've had enough, I'm 33 years old, I feel a lot older though

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AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 18:12

This what hanging on to this toxic situation does to you

Call WA. Call your dad. Tell him everything.

AnyFucker · 30/10/2015 18:14

I am off to a place with possibly no broadband/3G just now for the weekend.

Take care, Cows. Tell your dad.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:16

I'm going to tell my dad, I don't feel I have any other choice.
It makes me angry though. We live in a four bed house, why the fuck should me and my children have to move out? He should be moving out.

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:18

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