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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I really could do with some support

268 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/10/2015 13:55

After 6 years of being with an emotionally abusive partner, I've told him it's over- he's gone from being angry to emotional blackmail, to making it sound like all my fault.
After an argument, he left about half an hour ago, making a big thing of saying goodbye to our son- who is now crying for his dad.
I have no one to tell me I'm doing the right thing, every time this has happened before I have weakened and taken him back.
I know he's probably going to come back later to twist the knife even more.
I just need someone to hold my hand through this and reassure me that I've done what's best for my children
:-(

OP posts:

Report

Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 18:20

Could you talk to your step mum? Would that be easier than talking to your Dad?

I understand what you mean about him going through a lot, but the worst sorrow I can think of is my children suffering when I could help, and them not letting me. We all need help sometimes.

Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 18:23

He absolutely should. But do you think he ever will? If not then go. I walked away from my ex with nothing. Five years later I live in a lovely house with my 4 DC with a job I love. And no misery, no wondering what he is doing or how he will be when he comes home. You can do this.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:29

Thanks muddle, my step mum is certainly easier to talk to than my dad is.
Thank u for replying as well, it helps that someone else has been through this shit. Unfortunately.

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Muddlewitch · 30/10/2015 18:37

Maybe talk to her then. Even if you don't want to tell her the whole thing, you could just tell her you need to separate because his behaviour has really hurt you. Then fill in the rest when and if you want to.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 18:39

Remember that every 'kind' gesture he makes is viewed by him as a 'win/win' over you. Either you accept his 'gesture' and feel guilty because you're 'being mean' to him and he's 'being nice' to you, or you reject his 'gesture' and feel guilty after he gives you a sad look because he 'went to all this trouble just to make you xxx'. So even these gestures are attempts at manipulating you to get his own way!

Maybe talk to your dad and step mum together?

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:46

Thanks Across. He's still being overly nice to me and the kids- I know it's all an act to try and win me back.

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Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:49

I'm so hoping that he gets bored of trying to win me back, and just fucks off. It'd make things so much easier for me

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mix56 · 30/10/2015 18:52

You do not need to leave your house, he is working on you at the moment & is expecting you to cave in as usual. Tell him, its not going away this time, he gets nasty, he will threaten to take his child/ren, just remember its CLASSIC EA behaviour. He will tell you your are mental, nuts, take pills, blah blah blah
Tell him you know his dirty little secrets, but don't go into detail.
(can you take screen shots of his craigs list ad?) you can just see a judge giving custody to a creep like that !!!
Don't worry it's not because you are on ADs that your children will be taken off you. W/A do NOT call social services, they are so used to stories like yours. (more chance of getting thru in the evening....
Just know that once he has gone, your life begins again.... no walking on egg shells, no criticism, & misery. All the kids will sigh a huge sigh of relief... You can get help with your finances. you can get on a housing list with all the children... there is help out there, but he needs to go.

mix56 · 30/10/2015 18:53

Is he violent ? ANY sign of violence call the police. it will be recorded.

Cowscockwithonions · 30/10/2015 18:57

No he's not been violent.

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AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 20:21

Thanks Across. He's still being overly nice to me and the kids- I know it's all an act to try and win me back

I'm afraid I'm selfish & vindictive enough to enjoy the 'doing it all for you' shit. You think you can 'charm or 'guilt' me into letting you back? OK fine, Buster Brown, knock yourself out! Bring me tea, do my laundry, cook me food. Have at at, Charlie. Then I'll gleefully kick you to the kerb when you're done and I'm ready for you to be gone, baby, gone.

Cowscockwithonions · 31/10/2015 09:46

He's been so fucking annoying this morning, he just won't accept that it's over- it's all about his feelings.
He asked me for a cuddle this morning I said no, and he said "I want to work things out, it's tearing me apart", so I just ignored him and walked off.. He then followed me saying "don't walk away from me babe" in that whiny pathetic voice. Argghh!!! Why can't he just leave me alone? I've given up trying to explain to him how I feel and what he's done- he's beyond that, all he can think about is what HE wants.
Shall I just ignore him when he starts discussing things? I'm out at the moment, son playing sport, I just can't be around it anymore

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darlingish · 31/10/2015 10:03

It's the weekend if he's off work and really wants to work it out ask him to pack a bag and go and stay with his folks for the weekend to give you both some apace ?
Take the time to see how you feel and maybe he could take the time to reflect also.
If he's half decent hell respect your ask and you'll have some time time apart which may then remain permanent ??

Cowscockwithonions · 31/10/2015 10:22

He's off work anyway after an accident- he's been off for about 3 months now- 3 long fucking months, and he doesn't really go out.
He has no family- he's alienated all of them, even his own mother!
I have told him to respect my wishes, and that i need space and I'd like time apart, but then starts tearing up saying "I can't lose you", he is doing my fucking head in

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darlingish · 31/10/2015 10:47

Do you have family you could all go stay with or could he call his family anyway ?
I think it was prob one of the hardest things my ex ever had to do the day he called his mum at 48 and asked if he could come back , but fair play to him he did.
Your partner has a choice and it sounds like he's choosing the easiest option for him every time .
Do you speak to any of his family ?
He is old enough to help himself btw .

AnyFucker · 31/10/2015 10:48

Ignore him. He'll give up eventually and then the nastiness will start.

Muddlewitch · 31/10/2015 10:52

You need to tell him that by not taking on board your wishes or feelings, or request to go and give you a bit of space, he is making sure he does lose you. Don't let him keep batting it back to you - his actions have caused this consequence, not you.
Tell him if he wants there to be any hope at all he needs to step away and give you time and space. (Not that I want you to give him another chance even if he does, just that I hope it might make him back off so you can start to move on.)
It is all about control - his usual controlling methods are not working so he is trying anything else he can think of to get back control of you as people like that can't stand not to be. It's not emotion or love, it's frustration that you are not falling back into 'your place.'
You deserve so much better.

Muddlewitch · 31/10/2015 10:54

Agree with AF, the tears will turn to nastiness at some point as the frustration turns to anger. Get some support in place before that happens.

43percentburnt · 31/10/2015 11:00

Hi cows. You say the tenancy is ongoing and I think you mention you are on housing benefit and have 4 bedrooms.

Please correct me other posters, but I really suggest you call your landlord. Tell him or her that you and your partner have split up and ask if the tenancy can be put in just your name. Your partner is not working and is not going to receive enough housing benefit to pay the entire rent as a single man or even a parent with one child, whereas you will with 4 children. Then you can kick him out. It is not your problem to house him. He is a fully grown adult and his responsibility to deal with his life, not yours.

He is determined to make you change your mind, you are only seeing Mr nice at present, Mr nasty may make an appearance soon.

Cowscockwithonions · 31/10/2015 12:07

So we had another heated discussion, he said he's given me space this week! He also keeps contradicting himself, saying he accepts we're not together- then saying he just wants us to be a happy family.
He said that he's realised what a twat he been and will change, ha!
I've also been accused of cheating- so I told him I knew about the Craigslist postings, which he of course denied.
He keeps saying I'm stubborn and heartless. He's making this extremely difficult for me.
He has now gone off to work, despite being on the sick, saying "they'll probably send me home, but I'll get out of your way".

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Muddlewitch · 31/10/2015 12:11

He is panicking about losing control. The stuff about you cheating is just him trying to deflect. Can you use the time while he is at work to try and start looking at how things might work with the house, finances etc?

Cowscockwithonions · 31/10/2015 12:13

He's also accused me of ignoring him- I'm not, I'm being perfectly civil. I used to ask him every morning if he was alright- only to gauge what mood he was in that day an whether I'd done something that may have annoyed him- he said that I haven't asked him this week- apparantly we should carry on as normal.
I wish he'd meet someone else and just fuck off, although I wouldn't wish him on anyone

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AnyFucker · 31/10/2015 12:21

You keep engaging with him. That is a mistake. He won't ever admit anything.

Decide whether his lifestyle (the sleaze, the seeking sex with others, the fact he is in denial about his sexuality and punishing you for it etc etc etc) is something that is acceptable to you or not

It works for some people to turn a blind eye to their partner seeking sex outside of the relationship if they need something they cannot find within it. You can't turn yourself into a cross dressing bloke, for example. As long as they don't flaunt it or bring trouble to the family's door.

It seems to me that you either end this or you accept the above lifestyle. Because he is never going to stop. It is not possible to just switch off the kind of sexual tastes he has. The thing is, he punishes you for not being what he needs and the denial he is exhibiting is immense.

Talking to him and trying to make him understand what he is doing is fruitless.

You stay and accept what he is (even if he dpesn't) or you go. There is nothing else.

Cowscockwithonions · 31/10/2015 12:36

I told him before he left that it's over.
You're right
Anyfucker, there is no point in engaging with him.
I deserve so much more than this crap.
He's 19 years older than me, you'd think that someone his age would be more mature

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mix56 · 31/10/2015 13:02

Sorry to repeat, IT IS ALL the EA cycle, the grovelling is to get you to forgive & forget. it is a smoke screen, it is not real.
Did you take a screen shot of the Craigs list ad ??? even if you haven't you can bluff. Tell him
"I am not continuing this farce of a relationship with someone who is looking for sexual gratification in ladies knickers with a trans........its over. Your bag is packed. Leave. Do not discuss, reason with or rise to the bait.
Detachment is the key, & it sounds like you are in the right place. try WA while he is out.

Flip

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