I want to give custody to my ex husband

[TryingToStaySane2]

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

Why is it so difficult to understand that her viewpoint is simply different to yours?

It maybe is different to mean posters have to agree with the OP however.

The OP maybe suffering yes, but 2 children's lives have also been turned upside down through no fault of their own.

*it maybe different to posters. It doesn't mean it is 'right' or that people have to agree

first sentence makes is nonsense

This is either a horrible joke thread or the OP is in a manic state and not very well.

Aww, this is sad. I really think you need to seek some help, it sounds like you are at breaking point and I don't think that is your children's doing. I think you need to invest in your well being and mental health - go to the doctors, maybe book a holiday, seek someone out to talk to. But don't send your kids away...

I honestly think you would regret doing this and it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your children. Being a mum is hard, really bloody hard, but even if you don't think your kids need you, they really do.

Good luck

Sorry What? So just because some ones view is different to ours we should all go oh go do what you like then and you know what to hell with the consquences?!

So prehaps we should all just stand by and let people live with emotional abuse because oh their husbands view is well just different to ours.
No one should tell any one to LTB when the wife finds out that the husband has been cheating because again oh it's just some one has a different view and oh we shouldn't say it's ok fine.

A mother is proposing to effectively abandon her children and oh yeah well maybe she's just not a mothering type and quit being horrible.

As for Lemonade and BrandNew, so it's ok to call men selfish and vile when they walk out on their children, even those that actually see their children every single week get abuse in certain national newspapers but because their the non resident parent they've abandoned their kids, yet what we shouldn't say the same to a woman because she's what a woman?

As for the woman having a breakdown, numerous of us have gone wow you seem very manic go to your GP, this is never ever suggested when it's the man. I know a man who almost ended up in hospital his divorce caused him so much destress, yet he's aparently just an other absent father who deserves abuse even though his kids FaceTime him for hours every single day, he sees them every Thursday to Sunday. its my best friends ex husband. No one suggested he was behaving the way he was because he might be having a breakdown despite the fact he was acting completely out of character and his best friend had died 5 months before, no he was just the horriable Man who abandoned his family, and deserved everything he got! It was only because his boss is also a very very dear friend, God father to his children close, confided in a few of the close friends that he was in fact accompanying him to psychiatric out patients appointments that any of us found out what was going on.
Yet it was the first thing that went through posters minds here.

What OP is proposing is not a justifiable choice

I apologise for being harsh earlier as it is likely isn't it, that she is suffering a mental health crisis.

Those are the 2 explanation though aren't they; mh issues or selfish.

Its not a valid, reasonable person/ decent parent 'point of view'

Not joking right but why is it ok for men let women have full custody and to see their kids once a week yet if a woman does it, she's manic?

Although I am in the camp that she has as much right to bugger off as her ex, I also have a low opinion of / get concerned about someone who is prepared to pass on residency/custody because they are still fit and want to enjoy life before being old(er).

It's two different things.
It would be different if in this case the children had asked to live with their dad, or work and commitments meant that the father had a better chance of giving a more stable life, and so on. Not bail out on the children.

But the OP is already seeing her kids once a week. No-one is suggesting she is manic for that (although it's not most people's choice).

The OP is saying she doesn't even want that limited contact. That she is finding it too much parenting and that she now doesn't want to see the kids for the whole term, because she wants to go off and find herself. THAT'S what posters are suggesting is highly unusual to the point of bordering on mania.

That was in response to Rebecca

my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

^ I find this really bizarre. Surely real friends would be supporting the OP and her children to a better solution, which doesn't involve deserting her children.

Yes, unless her children are abusive it's a strange term.
Or the sister and friends are particularly anti-teenagers and incredibly selfish.

Do you know what? I think the OP is just jealous of her ex husband. That's all it is. He gets to be the Disney dad even if it's just a shitty Skype one. OP probably hears him laughing and joking and thinks to herself what a great life he has. I bet he's had a string of girlfriends and a job he seems to enjoy. And she wants that for herself. And is probably still annoyed that he didn't want that lifestyle with her. Looking after the kids at weekends is a red herring (unless she doesn't like their company.) Really I think she just needs counselling, a job that she doesn't hate, to start feeling comfortable in her own skin again, and to start dating again once she can do that. She doesn't need to swan off travelling to do that.

Yseulte - you do know, don't you, that it's not compulsory to live in a place where you have to slog through traffic for hours to get to school . As many other posters have pointed out , lots of people live where there's little traffic and good schools within a walking distance or a short bus ride .

It's called making a lifestyle choice . Perhaps you get paid slightly less outside a huge city, but you can have a better quality of life , good schools, reasonably priced housing , less commuting etc

I'm not suggesting that the children should change schools at this at stage unless they want to . But it's perfectly possible, as other posters have suggested , to downscale .

Its not a two option choice for everyone in the UK or even Western Europe - boarding school or hours of commuting .

The Op is obviously comfortably off , she says that money isn't a problem . Money gives you a lot more choices than poverty .

Not joking right but why is it ok for men let women have full custody and to see their kids once a week yet if a woman does it, she's manic?

In many ways I think you've exactly proven why their are some harsh replies on this thread the replies that have got the posters going your all horriable!

Why's it ok for men to bugger off and only see their kids once a week? Erm it's not read the threads on here about absent dads read the daily mail comments on people like Brian McFadden
But if it's ok to give men that abuse Why isn't it ok to say to a mother wait your actually thinking about walking out on your kids and the OP has actually used those words. And give her as much derision as they would a man.

why has the mania aspect come up?
It's not so much the leaving the kids because my Intianal reaction was the same as mine to absent fathers unacceptable, but it's the fact that she's moved so so very rapidly to put her house on airB&B it's gone from Im thinking about this to it being half done in the space of a morning, I don't think that is some one that's in rational mind!

Also if it's ok to plead mental illness in the case of women, why not in the case of men as my earlier post said!

I agree with lweji she does have as much right to bugger off as the father but also has been pointed out up thread that would make her as bad as the father. She has the choice to be a good mum or sod off!

curly I think you have it. She sees what the kids tell her of their dads life style, the fizzy pop and pizzas Disney dad, where nothing is hard work. And sees herself as being the nasty parent who has to do the nagging and the one the kids give lip too. And she thinks the answer is to become the Disney mum and in her own words 'break free' and live the single life like she perceives her ex does.

I actually think it's the job that's more a problem than parenthood, but again what curly said is what she needs, counselling space and time to feel comfortable again.

And as it's now been brought up I did notice the actions of the friends and sister, maybe just maybe you should be asking them to help/support you with the children rather than asking them to help with abandoning them, op!

I think ur thread sums up what most LPs think from time to time! It's incredibly hard, and you see the NRP having a much easier life. The difference is that you seem to have a genuine opportunity to change things, and you are grappling with thoughts of going for it. Also I suspect that as your dcs are at boarding school, they aren't as physically or emotionally reliant on you day to day, and I would think you feel less of a bond because of that.

I think you need to, in this order

1 ask Xh if this is a possibility
2 ask kids what they want

If either of above is a negative, then for your own sake and for the sake of your kids you need to forget your "freedom" for a few years and put the kids first. It's what decent parents do. Focus on them and having fun and freedom with them. Travel with them. Enjoy them. End the grappling and accept that this is how it will be for a few years.

The idea of travelling and basically running away sounds much better in your head than it will be in reality for you I think. I'm not trying to be mean but realistic. You do need a break though. Can they go for a long Christmas maybe 4 weeks whilst you travel for a few weeks?

I wouldn't make any big decisions about the custody of your children right now. You sound very depressed. This is a mental health issue and it can be dealt with. You need to see your GP and take this through with them. Please don't make big decisions whilst feeling like this as the truth is that you could regret it forever.

Can your ex have the children every summer for the whole summer stretch so you know that you are getting a break? And it terms of getting on with DC in the meantime at weekends, etc can you just do some of the fun stuff that they get with your ex. If money is ok, then just go to theme parks, cinemas & pizza. Sometimes we all get so caught up in 'parenting' properly that we miss the opportunities to just enjoy life as it is today.

Really hope you see a GP and get yourself in a position where you feel happier and not so trapped.

I see the fabulous Mumsnet job has cropped up a few times. That's the one where you can take lengthy sick leave without getting fired, go travelling for a few weeks when you need it, switch to a less demanding role part time with no drop in pay, and relocate to the same role in a cheaper & more stressful place.

All that said with exasperation, I've got a hunch that OP's resignation might lead to at least one of the above being offered in her present role. I hope so, and I hope things are working out for her.

Oh please be a wind up. Poor kids. Farmed out to boarding school. Dad in the States. Now no UK home to spend their weekends at either.

Teens are notoriously difficult op, and yours are coping with divorce and all of the above.

Can't you keep going for a few more years, until they're independent? They will appreciate all that you do for them in the years to come, when they reflect back, when they're parents themselves. I can't imagine they will ever thank you for leaving them so that you can travel.

How will you pay the fees, especially as they will increase significantly when they begin staying at school for the weekends, now that you've given up your job?

Zombie thread. Sigh.

Gah

I haven't read the full thread. But OP i just wanted to say I fully understand why you want to do this. A woman i know realised her ex husband was turning her 2 daughters against her by saying to the kids that he loved them and missed them when they weren't with him and that their mother was keeping them away from him. She was ground down with taking care of them and putting up with their increasingly bad behaviour towards her as well as dealing with their father blaming her for being a bad mother. She eventually handed custody over to the father. He finally realised what she had been putting up with all these years when he had to do the parenting. The daughters now have more respect for their mother and a better relationship.

Op you have shouldered the burden of parenting alone so far. It's time for the father to to do more than pay lip service to his kids and do some REAL parenting. Please don't feel gulity about handing them over to their father. He's not a stranger. They will be in good hands.

The thread is from 2015 zooin.

@TryingToStaySane2
How old are the children, you didn't say?
This makes a big difference. If they are of an age that you can have the conversation 'what do you want to do?' Ask them what they want and why they this this will be best for them? Ask them all the awkward questions, you are not a mind reader. Without finding out what your children like and dislike about the current situation of being apart from their father you really don't 'know' your children. It may be difficult to hear but at least you'll know. They may hate boarding school for all you know, they may miss their dad and need more contact, visits. Have you asked their father if he would agree to them moving over there if this is what they want?

Communication is your friend, assumptions are not. You need a clearer picture. What you want/need will happen as a by product of your children and ex-h needs if they all match up. I don't think your wants and needs should come into the conversation with either children/hubby as this will leave emotional scars on the children which will last a lifetime. The worst think you can ever do is make your children feel you don't want them and they are an inconvenience.