I want to give custody to my ex husband

[TryingToStaySane2]

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

Op I think it sounds like you need to look after yourself for a bit but don't isolate your children with anger....

For those commenting about boarding school, actually it is a great environment for teens, they see their friends, concentrate on studies, do extra fun activities only for boarders. Watch films, play FIFA, read books, hang out shopping with friends....

Honestly there's no gruel and the house parents look after the children cooperatively with the parents.

Refrain from judgemental comments about boarding where you have no experience to speak from.

OP...I hadn't thought about this until I read your post. I was having the same thoughts 30yrs. ago. Marraige breaking up. I wanted H to have my 2 girls. I was adamant. Fast forward, reading your post resonated with me. One thing I agree with is you could possibly be depressed. I'm not going to judge or say you might be selfish, think the grass is greener etc., etc., etc. But you really need to put yourself on another footing. Until your dc reach a significant age, grow with them. My 2 dgc have a selfish mum and she has stayed with them. Always put her own desires/needs before them. They're now 17+ & 15+ and their love/hate emotions are very much apparent. We all try and encourage them to manage their expectations of her realistically. We don't judge her in front of them.

Your dc's dad will be the "disney dad", one parent has to be. What you want is what your dc have with their dad. But this may backfire on you. Think carefully. Weigh it all up.

I cant help but wonder that if op was slighly less secure financially people would be slightly less sympathetic?

They'd be more sympathetic. Something about being able to afford high-quality, safe, full-time care for one's children brings out a vicious streak in many.

I can't imagine why

Having children at boarding schools is not 'abandoning' them unless the parent doesn't bother with regular contact, visits and holidays.

The planet I'm on is one where many friends went to boarding school.

They had one exiat per term.

I understand it feels like you're on your own with your ex husband living so far away. That is a bit crap.

But please don't take this out on the children. They are 14 and 16 years old! So only 4 years until they will both be adults and at uni / working. Can't you wait 4 years for your grand tour of Europe? For the sake of your children? If you only have them at weekends then your parenting role is rather limited already, so plenty of 'you' time. Couriering something is hardly demanding. Spare a thought for us with children 24 / 7! Now that's hard work!

If you can't wait and are totally desperate to escape then I really think you might be depressed and not seeing things clearly. Lots of what you say points to that. Please see your GP.

But actually I really hope this is made up!

Exeat that should say.

The boarding school is a bit of a red herring here.

The fact is, one parent is away living a 'glamorous American lifestyle', and the other parent wants to go and 'live for herself, while she's in her 40s and still has a good figure'.

Meanwhile there is a 14yr old and a 16yr old, who appear to be preventing this.

Also, the OP hasn't made it clear whether their father actually wants custody of them or not.

It's all a bit of a mess, and the OP has worked incredibly fast this morning to make some very big changes, that should probably have waited until she had a proper discussion with all involved.

It is a big mess, and one that is not going to be fixed in the ways OP has suggested thus far.

A friend of mine put her daughter's bedroom on Airbnb on the days her daughter was with her dad, the result that her furious daughter went to live with her father.

Children are not just for Christmas, and the OP has many options to change her life - new job, friends, hobbies, getting out more, which do not involve sending her kids to the US.

In you were struggling to make ends meet before, how on earth are you going to afford the extra school fees and round the world trips when you no longer have a job? I'm not sure you've thought this through...

You sound like you feel you are looking for something, so you want to go travelling and find it.

Actually, I think what you are looking for is in your children. Bear with me, I know you don't feel that way. But having worked long hours whilst my dd was young I started to feel like I was empty and a 'bad' parent. It was because I didn't spend enough time with her to feel parenting.

So I suggest the following:

1. Stop talking to the dad. He can discuss things with the dcs but don't bother having any more convos with him about your parenting skills. He's bringing you down.
2. Work part time.
3. Take the kids out of boarding school (if they haven't go exams to sit immediately and they agree to it) and put them in a local school where they come home every day to you.
4. Discuss what amazing holidays you are going to have with them: take them travelling with you!
5. Enjoy your children because you will never get these years back. Sit back and watch them grow into wonderful adults and think 'I did that!'

And enjoy your lives together.

Why have you made these decisions without properly consulting your children? To me it really sounds like you have little to no respect for them at all and at 14 and 16 they are old enough to be a part of major decisions like this.

As much as I'd support anyone in living for themselves at any age, you do have to take into consideration your responsibilities ie. The fact you have two children to take care of and parent. This does not mean palming them off to a boarding school full time for someone else to teach them about the ways of the world imo. Nothing against boarding schools as long as parents have an equal input into a child's life and upbringing which it sounds like you really don't.

Yes you could be depressed and I sympathise. In which case travelling the world isn't going to cure it. You need help with that and stability. Or you could just be incredibly selfish.

Poor kids. This should be about them OP. You are responsible as is their dad.
Seems to me they are disposable.
Bit tricky being at boarding school and not actually having home to go back to.

This ^^. I feel so sorry for those two kids.

autumnboys I remember that thread, the poster was trying to keep a house in the country AND a flat in London going. It was this thread which I don't think is the same poster.

Actually OP you sound completely worn out, and it was wrong, unsupportive and lacking insight for the XH to send that text.

It is a drag nagging teenagers and some of this needs handing over to their father. So I wonder if it would be good to try to drop as much of your list as possible in terms of haircuts, appointments and so on, and get him to do some of it while they are over there with him.

However if he is anything like my (American) XP presumably he can't be arsed with any of the difficult stuff, and you will end up picking up the pieces.

So, do more of it on your terms.

1. Ask the school to step in with arranging and attending appointments and so on in term time (they often do this for pupils when both parents are living in the middle of nowhere).
2. Get a home hairdresser to come in and do you all at once (cheaper anyway). Or give up caring what the kids' hair looks like. Fuck the school.
3. In terms of washing, teach them how to use the machine and then just stop doing it. The kids are old enough to do their own now anyway. When they run out of pants and realise the pants fairy does not exist, they will soon hot foot it downstairs with their washing basket. Or tell them to get their majority of their washing done at school before they come back, if there is a laundry service (there usually is).
4. Spend a LOT more time planning nice things for you all to do, and most importantly, for YOU to do. Life is too short for all work and no play. This is where your XH is being clever. You could choose to be the fun parent, I think, and beat him at his own game. Surely nobody will die from a pizza and coke overdose if you do that. Then when the kids are away at school, start doing more of the stuff you like.
5. FFS have a holiday, a long one if necessary. Book a month off, but don't pack in your job unless you have a Plan B.

OP, being a mum, I'm struggling to understand what made you originally not want to spend time with your children? Boarding schools might have all the facilities that your children need but why did you choose for them not to have all that at home? Why do you want your ex to have them? Why did you have children if you don't have maternal instints?

BTW everyone, kids normally have two exits (weekends, Friday 4pm to 6-8pm Sunday evening) out a term and a week at half term in English boarding schools. Some have two weeks half term in October, which may be the case for the OP and the reason she is knackered, trying to work and also dealing with all the tedious child-related jobs that it really needs two parents to be on top of, crammed into a concentrated space of time.

exeats, not exits (autocorrect)

And Loveyoutothemoon, that was less than helpful. She can hardly send them back for a refund. Anyway, this is about being a parent on a treadmill who probably does love her children very much, but life events overtook her.

Lordy! op works quickly. I've spent the last hour and a half hanging out a load of washing, making a sandwich and flicking through the Observer magazine.

Whereas she has taken photos and uploaded her property details onto Air BnB (and been inundated with enquiries), handed in her notice and spoken to her children to explain that they have no home to go back to in the UK any more.

Incredibly productive!

But she wants to send them to her ex permanently!! "they can live with him". Life events took over?! Sorry but children should be priority over ANYTHING in the world.

I'm just baffled that what the OP took from the responses was that it was a good idea to quit her job as of now, tell her children she's renting out their home and take off for 6 weeks at a time.

Also struggling to figure out what children stuff a 14 and a 16 year old need that requires two parents?

I would love to go and travel as well, therefore I travel with my children. You've got the money to do it so rather than abandoning them and going off travelling why not share the experience with them? My children have travelled all over the place in this country and abroad and some of my best memories have been of those holidays with them and the pleasure I get of showing them places that I love is great.

Rather than giving custody to your ex try enriching your life - and theirs - with good, shared experiences.

Boffinmum it sounds as if they're weekly boarders which many children are these days.

But you're right there are many benefits to boarding school - no daily slog through traffic there and back - which can take off a couple of hours from your day. You get to spend the weekends with your friends, which you would choose to do anyway once you're a teenager.

Whereas she has taken photos and uploaded her property details onto Air BnB (and been inundated with enquiries), handed in her notice and spoken to her children to explain that they have no home to go back to in the UK any more.

^ my thoughts exactly.

Words quite frankly fail me.