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Original poster

I want to give custody to my ex husband

200 replies

TryingToStaySane2 · 25/10/2015 10:49

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

OP posts:
TheStripyGruffalo · 25/10/2015 15:24

*Lordy! op works quickly. I've spent the last hour and a half hanging out a load of washing, making a sandwich and flicking through the Observer magazine.

Whereas she has taken photos and uploaded her property details onto Air BnB (and been inundated with enquiries), handed in her notice and spoken to her children to explain that they have no home to go back to in the UK any more.

Incredibly productive!*

Incredibly selfish as well.

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/10/2015 15:30

op I now that feeling of wanting to walk away. When I was depressed that's all I thought about. I would walk to the shops and dream about never returning.

Speak to your boss, see if you can take take back your resignation explain your circumstances and take 6 weeks off work. The Dr will sign you off if needs be. Have 6 weeks to yourself to get your head right and get some counselling.

ShortcutButton · 25/10/2015 15:32

I agree with your ex, you sound like a terrible mother

Ive been having similar thoughtz to you (have started a thread) about feeling trapped/lonely etc, but what you propose is totally selfish and unforgivable. Have a word with yourself

Lweji · 25/10/2015 15:34

Because the ex is a model dad? Hmm
What is he doing for the children apart from criticising their mother?

starlight2007 · 25/10/2015 15:38

We know nothing about the Ex except what she has told us..She may of moved from the US..He may not be able to live here. They may visit regularly..

Shutthatdoor · 25/10/2015 15:40

What is he doing for the children apart from criticising their mother?

We know only what she has told us so very little. other than the children seem to talk to him a lot

Nonnainglese · 25/10/2015 15:45

Confused Curiouser and curiouser, very fast mover OP.

I can't believe you've done what you said, in that timescale and without talking to your DCs or exh.

In fact, imo it's unbelievable.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 25/10/2015 15:46

OP you sound both depressed and at the end of your tether but none of your solutions are going to put you in a better place. I understand the temptation to walk away from your job. Indeed when I was depressed I handed in my notice too. Work was just another demand and pressure, and it was the easiest to leave.

Here's the thing, my doctor told me not to make any big decisions whilst depressed and he was right. After the initial relief of having one less demand on my time, the underlying issues were still there. You're bruised and battered by life but you can't run away from it or hide from it.

You can take some time out to recover from your upsets - take your home down from air bnb (honestly you don't need the hassle of managing short - term holiday lets) go to the GP tomorrow, ask your boss to ignore your resignation, get signed off work and focus on getting well whether through medication or counselling. On, and get a relative or a solicitor to manage all communication with your ex. There is no benefit in giving him the chance to snipe.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 25/10/2015 15:48

I am in utter shock and disgust at this Post. So, the poor kids have taken badly to the divorce. Their Dad has fucked off to another country. And now you are going to abandon them too?? Are you serious? How utterly fucking selfish. There are people who can't have children, who would make wonderful loving parents....and at the other end of the spectrum there's you.

I don't give a shit if you're depressed. If you are, get to the GP, get treatment, pull yourself together AND BE A MOTHER!! There is nothing on this planet, that would make me send my kids away to boarding school and then moan that I had to "cope" with their company at the weekend. That's because I love their company. And I love them, even if they are having a "teenage meltdown" or "need a haircut".

If you have children you HAVE to take care of them. Not ditch them and swan off in to the sunset to "find yourself". GET A GRIP.

Oh my blood is boiling. Those poor poor kids.

ShortcutButton · 25/10/2015 15:49

I have no idea what the dad is like as a dad. Its irrelevant. Its not as if OP gets free pass to be a crap parent because the dad is, is it?

Some fucker needs to step up and parent. If ex is useless, then OP has no choice does she. And that might be hugely unfair (i am in the same situation) but its tough shit isnt it

She needs to find some other way to make herself happy, which doesnt involve abandoning her kids

bigbuttons · 25/10/2015 15:54

Depressed people can't usually summon up enough mental energy to clean their house up enough to then advertise it for rent on airBNB.

Garlick · 25/10/2015 16:11

Popalot, working part-time isn't an option because she needs her flat to be near work.

I really don't get MN's general failure to understand that working in London means having very high outgoings. You can't just drop half the package; you're either in or you're out.

What would everybody on here say to parents with jobs that involve a lot of travel or overseas postings? Give it all up and live in a cupboard while working a cleaning job so you can see your kids every weekend, you terrible mother?

Confused
loveyoutothemoon · 25/10/2015 16:17

People who have jobs that involve a lot of travel or overseas postings should think about whether they would have enough time for kids before having them.

Lweji · 25/10/2015 16:18

If ex is useless, then OP has no choice does she.

She has exactly the same choices as the ex.

I'd hope that at least one of them steps up for the children.

What I meant about ex is that we shouldn't say he is right (or wrong), because, exactly, his opinion is irrelevant. He has no moral high ground on the OP.

ShortcutButton · 25/10/2015 16:24

lweji my x is not a good father. How and when he parents is on his terms, regardless of the know D's needs. Sometimes he doesn't turn up.

So, similar to OP then, I have as much choice as he does about how and when to patent. If i didnt step up and fill in the gaping holes he leaves, that would make me a shitty selfish parent, right along with him

Yes, op has the same choice as her ex; be a decent person and an adequate parent or be a selfish cunt

Lweji · 25/10/2015 16:26

I'm exactly on the same boat.

I do have the choice to be a good parent or not.

Rockluvvindad · 25/10/2015 16:32

OP, everything you have said sounds like you are, if not depressed already, then heading for it. Your first step should be to talk to your GP. He may prescribe something, or may suggest counselling. That's a medical decision.

Your kids may well give you a hard time because they can. I'm as involved in my kids lives as much as I can be, yet they still take things out on their mum, a) because she's a great mum, even though I have to remind her of that sometimes, and b) because she's their mum. The one constant thing in their lives, even when their dad was bat shit crazy for a while.

Don't try and change everything right now. It is too much for you. Change one small thing, and make that thing a trip to the GP for an honest conversation, and take their advice.

I wish you the very best... You're up against it, and I'm sure your situation feels impossible to you right now.

RLD.

Shutthatdoor · 25/10/2015 16:45

Your kids may well give you a hard time because they can

Well telling them you are leaving, putting the house up for rent, telling them they have to board all the time, quitting your job then saying they have to live with their dad, all within a morning isn't going to exactly improve things is it! Hmm

michtaylor · 25/10/2015 19:38

I struggle to feel any sympathy for you at all op. My mother was the same as you. When i was 5, she relinquished custody of me to my father and my physically and mentally abusive stepmother so that she could have some "me" time. I didnt see her again until i was 24 (her choice). This really fucked me up and i ended up in care at 11. Can you imagine how you children would feel knowing that you dont want them? And as for your update, i think you are lying...

Original poster
TryingToStaySane2 · 25/10/2015 19:47

Gosh the comments are now more barbed.
I have not made it up and am not lying.
I thank you for helping me this far. But won't be checking in to see any more comments. Some are just too hurtful.
Very few people could cope a day in my life.

Someone suggested taking the children travelling with me. I loved that and I will. I am only renting their rooms in term time.

And yes you can register and upload photos in a few short hours. I am a woman who gets on and does it.

Yes I did resign and my boss is not at all happy.

Goodnight and thank you x

OP posts:
Nottodaythankyouorever · 25/10/2015 20:03

I am a woman who gets on and does it.

Including deciding and telling your DC you want them to live with their father, that you don't want them coming home at weekends, and renting out their room in a few hours so it would seem.

Shutthatdoor · 25/10/2015 20:05

Some are just too hurtful.

I bet that is what your DC are thinking after your 'revelations'.

Lweji · 25/10/2015 20:12

Very few people could cope a day in my life.
Perhaps.
Or more that you feel you can't cope?

ShortcutButton · 25/10/2015 20:13

You came on here and asked for advice about how to 'break free' from your children, because they make you so unhappy; so that you can go travelling and 'sort your head out'

What on earth dod you expect people to say to you? You sound like a teenager yourself

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/10/2015 20:14

Gosh the comments are now more barbed

Actually they have been very restrained considering.

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