I want to give custody to my ex husband

[TryingToStaySane2]

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

My sister has a friend whose mum left her and her brother when she was a teen. Mum swanned off to Tenerife, met a barman and settled there.

She had not spoken with her mum for years, did not invite her to her wedding. Did not tell her when she was pregnant. Her mum evenutally found her on FB and she stupidly accepted a friends request thinking it would mend bridges. She is now furious with her mum all over again, as mum is dishing out parenting advice left and right and commenting on her baby photos. She says "what gives her the right? She abandoned her own children and now things she has the right to comment on how I treat my child?"

Go for it, if you feel your kids are such a hindrance to your happiness, if you have already alienated them to the point they feel unwanted, and only show happiness when talking to their dad. In your case, gently explaining to the children that their happiness is paramount and you feel they would be happier living with their dad, would perhaps be a kind thing to do.

Your ex calls you a bad mother, yet he can't even live in the same country as them? That's rich.

Op did you have counselling when you divorced? You sound depressed and exhausted.

Two issues that I can see.

The first is that presumably you would be sending them to America to live and be educated. The trouble with that is that you will effectively be making them American. They will have an American education (so may be harder to go to uni in UK plus would have to pay full fees), they will have American friends and, in time, American boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wives. Even if they do start appreciating you more leaving their home and all these attachments to live with you would be hard.

The other problem is that you think they like him best because he is Disney Dad. But are you sure he will step up? Maybe he won't bother with the dentist and the healthy meals and just carry on with the pizza and pop? Is that the upbringing you want for them?

First, have you been to see your doctor? I am concerned that you may be depressed and this is skewing your perspective on your ability to cope and on how much your children love and need you.

Second, you seem to be wanting to choose the nuclear option, hand them over, minimal contact until they are adult, they move continents, you let your house, quit your job and go travelling. That is an immense amount of change and upheaval for everyone and I'm not sure it will actually leave you feeling happier or better able to cope with the new life you plan to create.

I agree with pps who have suggested making smaller, more temporary changes. See your GP, if you aren't depressed then seek some counselling to talk through how you are feeling. Ask your supportive family to take your DCs for a couple of weekends so that you can maybe take a break and look after yourself. Make arrangements with your Ex so that the DCs fly straight to him at the end of term and then straight back to school. Find a parenting course, our area offer excellent courses for parents of teens (of all social backgrounds - no judgement, just parents learning how to parent more effectively because they would like some new ideas).

this sounds like either a mid life crisis or depression, or both.

you need to find a way to refind your mojo!!

Please see a dr asap. This is not the normal mutterings of a mother struggling to cope with 2 kids, especially given these 2 are in boarding school on week days and are teenagers. They are not 8 or 9. if they dont want to wear a coat then so what?!

You need to let go. They are nearly adults. christ you could give them their own budget to spend on shoes and coats etc and if they end up without then so what? they go to their school matron and beg for one from lost property or go to a charity shop.

The kids are in boarding school during the week so they could have their hair cut there, visit the dentist there, etc. Why (& when) are you taking this on?

Could they board full time and only come home to you at exeat weekends and half terms? and split the main holidays between you and their father?

The kids are teenagers too so there is not much you need to do except advise them not to have unprotected sex, dont drink n drive, be careful around drugs, surround themselves with good friends, choose the right subjects to study, study hard and party harder...

Great sympathy from me. weekly boarding is still very hard work and from my own experience your DC won't agree to suddenly becoming full boarders. You do sound very depressed and have perhaps latched onto this 'get out clause' that gives you freedom and happiness.

I doubt very much if it would work that way. Mid forties is really young, so whilst it is a slog at this stage there is a huge future ahead when your DC won't need such exhausting parenting. And nobody died because they refused to wear a coat.

Please see your GP and consider taking some leave from work. Arrange some counselling and also negotiate a fairer arrangement with your ex around holidays etc. perhaps the children could visit him more often. But don't, please just send them away even if they were up for it. They will think the worse of you for it.mteenagers do need someone to nag them, put up with their moods and help them struggle through the hell of adolescence. Instead,mfocus on how best you can deal with it and get all your support on board with the here and now, not a Shirley Valentine moment which cannot end well.

Dear trying.
It does sound that you are at the end of your thether and want to escape from everything. I know that it feels like the only way out, but it is far too drastic.
If they are teenagers they will be doing GCSEs soon/next few years and it would be very disruptive to move to the American system. Also there are Legal issues with going to USA, British courts are considered to be more fair to women, if it came to that.
Your ex can say what he wants, but he's not actually doing any parenting apart from speaking on skype. Giving them unlimited pizza and fizzy pop is not good nutritionally.
As a staring point Could you show your kids how to use a washing machine and do their own laundry?

How old are your children?

mindfulbear

I love your advice to teenagers!

The kids are teenagers too so there is not much you need to do except advise them not to have unprotected sex, dont drink n drive, be careful around drugs, surround themselves with good friends, choose the right subjects to study, study hard and party harder...

UPDATE
Gosh these comments have been a huge support to me. Even the tough to read ones that have made me cry.

Ok, my boss contacted me as he can't find his flight details for this afternoon. I texted him back, he has been checked in and I gave him my notice period.

One problem dealt with.

My son is 16, my daughter is 14. I have spoken with my son, and said I have given up the job and will rent my place out between term. They can board most weekends. I can B&B near them if needs be, but I would like to go off for 6 weeks at a time. I have listed my home on Air BnB and have been inundated with requests. All from this morning.

I feel I have some light at the end of the tunnel. You are all right. My ex is a twat! If he really thought I was a bad mother he wouldn't leave his children with me, he loves his "single" life in the States, all the girls throwing themselves at him, as he is such a "catch".

I will still speak to a doctor, maybe some tablets would take the edge off this darkness.

The children have been very hurt by the divorce. I dont wish to cause them more hurt and sending them away would make them think I dont love them at all.

Ok so some steps have been taken. Thank you for every comment you made. xxx

Who is hoing to handle keys and cleaning for guests from air&b?

You've got all this sorted in an hour and a half?

It sounds more to me as though you want to stick two fingers up at your ex and your teens. I can see the attraction in wanting to teach them all a lesson but there's a difference between the fantasising about it and the repercussions of actually doing it.

Sorry to say this but you sound utterly selfish. Your children are teenagers in the most important time during their schooling life and you want to disrupt all that so you can swan off and be free around the world.
Get a grip of yourself we all feel the strain but you can't just pack it all in and walk out. You only see your children at the weekend as it is that means you get 4 nights a week to be "free" god forbid you need to put yourself out to take something to school or take them for the odd appointment .
Agree with other posts that your ex has no right to call you a bad mum when he lives at the side of the world if he was that concerned about the welfare of his children he'd be on the 1st flight over here.
You need to speak to your GP these feelings your experiencing are a strong sign of depression they'll be able to offer you some counselling, coping strategy's and possibly tablets to help you cope ona day to day basis.
I don't think your children will forgive you for abandoning them to go off around the world, as they are teenagers anyway you've only got a few years of hands on parenting left anyway

You call your ex a twat for preferring to be in America yet your planning to also swan off around the world too - what's the difference?
I'm in shock at this post I feel sorry for your children

How rich are you if you can quit your job, pay for boarding school and plan multiple six-week trips away?

Hmm.

Let's get this straight you are renting out the family home possibly the one bit of remaining stability they have, swanning off for 6 weeks at a time and having them board at weekends and yet state you don't think you are sending them away or want to cause any more hurt to them after a painful divorce and their father now living in another continent. Don't you see you've still already sent them away in a roundabout way with this plan of yours

You'd be better getting yourself to the GP and taking some AD's for a while and trying to re-establish a relationship with them. Why do weekends have to be filled with haircuts when your kids are at an age to take themselves. Spend the time bonding and going away on weekends or just doing stuff together so these kids feel special after all they've been through.

If you are sure about this, I'd start with speaking to your ex about his willingness to have them. It's a big leap from him criticizing you (easy) to having them come live with him (hard work teens are!!). He may NOT be willing and then what would you do? You can't really force him to take them if he doesn't want to, nor should you. If he's agreeable, then talk to your children. They may jump at the chance OR they may, when faced with the reality, not want to leave their school and their friends. And if they don't want to, that could be a jumping off point to 'well then, we need to make some changes around here'.

But honestly, I think if you carried this out, you would regret it and regret it soon and massively. I think you really need to see a counselor, perhaps you AND your children. Remember that the difficulty you are having with parenting and your job are symptoms, not the disease itself. Leaving life behind rarely solves the problems in the long run as we take our problems with us wherever we go. Discontent with our lives is truly just discontent with ourselves. Remember that wherever you go, there you are.

Why are your kids at boarding school? They can get a decent education in a normal school. Never understood boarding schools!

OP, I actually took the "sending them away" to mean their father would have them on holidays, and you would change their boarding to include weekend boarding? Is that what you meant? That seems fair enough to me tbh - but then I'm not one of the anti-boarding school people, nor do I think mums should have the bulk of the responsibility.

I hope you're okay and you get some time to enjoy yourself.

it is weird to me that some posters don't mind their father living in another country but you wanting go away for 6 weeks travel at one time is a hassle.

I wouldn't advocate sending them to the American school system at this point in time but I don't think that's what you meant anyway.

This is a brilliant update! When you move, you move fast WELL DONE!!!

Good luck with your coming steps - and, yes, do see your doctor. You deserve support, too, you know

You need to ask your ex if he wants custody first - he might be perfectly happy leaving you with the kids. The text about what a crap parent you are might be more of an indicator of what a cunt he is rather than what he actually thinks of your parenting. And even if he doesn't think you're good at it, doesn't mean he'd necessarily be willing to do it himself, with all the sacrifices that entails. If he says he would like to have them, then ask them what they think, if they want to then everyone's in agreement - send them to their dad and he'll take it from there with arranging schools etc. You'll need to work out how much maintenance you'll send to dh, and sort out that and the paperwork, but the main thing to get started, surely, is to actually ask what everybody wants to do.

A brilliant update Its a truly dreadful update if it's real

Hi OP,
Please see your GP. I felt similar to you last Christmas although my Dd dad is close by. I ended crying my eyes out on my GP's desk telling him that I couldn't do another year like the past one. A month later on anti D's I felt a bit stronger and and now 10 months later I don't recognise the person I was.