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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to give custody to my ex husband

200 replies

TryingToStaySane2 · 25/10/2015 10:49

My ex husband (British) lives in the US.
My two children are at boarding school in the UK. I live and work in London.

My children are teenagers and I am struggling with the single parent role. To the point where last weekend ex h sent me a text telling me I was a bad mother. I have been mulling it over for some time. And whilst the children seem to be unhappy with me, (I cant compete with the glamorous American lifestyle and fun they have with Daddy, pizzas, and fizzy drinks...heaven!) I have been unhappy for some time, and my ex h texting me telling me I am a bad useless mother doesn't help.

I want to pack it all in. They can live with him, he can do the "real" parenting. Washing clothes, arguing over whether they need to wear a coat or smart shoes, or get a haircut. He can juggle dentist, orthodonist, trips, meeting up with friends, collecting them from parties. I work too, and I fit it in.

I am in a job I don't enjoy. It just washes it's face in terms of paying my bills. But I now want to live for me, I am mid 40's, have a good figure, and want to go and LIVE a little, before my health goes and before I realise my life is almost over.

I want out of this negative bubble I am in. The 3 elements of my life, are all unhappy with me.

I need time out.

So I rent my place in London and it pays for me to travel and just sort out my head.

HOW do I start the custody process. I dont want to spend money on legal fees. I will just hand them over to ex h.

No doubt people will judge but my parents, my sister and my 2 best friends can see that I do the best I can for my children and it is never enough. They are all supporting me on a daily basis to break free and get out.

Help please with how to start this...and I would be interested to hear from any other mums who may have done this? I do believe that within a few years they will be back with me, but I have to let them go for them to realise this...

OP posts:
Soveryupset · 25/10/2015 20:16

They are hurtful comments but hopefully will make you think. Most parents at some poinr have felt exhausted, and many have hit problems; divorce, illness, redundancy, even death. But running away is never a solution. Let's hope you realise that.

ShortcutButton · 25/10/2015 20:17

There is nothing in your OP to suggest your life is 'uncopable'

Why dont you take about the specific things you feel you cant cope with. Im sure we could help with thst. But you arent going to get much support in running off and abandoning your kids, because you dont like your job snd you have to take rhem to yhe dentist Confused

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 25/10/2015 20:17

Op, you sound thoroughly miserable. What exactly is it that makes your life so difficult? Perhaps we could help with the core issues rather than supporting you in Ealing away?

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 25/10/2015 20:17

Ealing?

Walking

curiousc88t · 25/10/2015 20:23

Just a suggestion

I assume the children have time off for xmas holidays

Would it have been better to have sent the children to their father for xmas

Then you could have kept your job & had the holiday & rest that you so badly need

-

As you have had a recent divorce, it seems that you have gone into delayed "shock"

If you had gone to the doctors they could have signed you off sick & you could have kept your job. You could have had some me time.

Divorce is like bereavement. But because you have children you are still tied to their father.

Do you have any friends or family who you can talk to or ask for help? (not the husband)

wannabestressfree · 25/10/2015 20:28

Couldn't cope a day in my life......
God the laughter......
My life is so much easier as a single parent , full time job, crohnic illness etc
Grow the fuck up....

Soveryupset · 25/10/2015 20:35

As someone who was bereaved of their partner I would say that divorce isn't quite the same. Your children still have a father; the parents still have a son; you can still know that person is alive and one day they could be your friend; when someone is dead all hope is lost forever.

I remember when my DP died thinking for years I would have given anything just to see his face again and 15 years later I am married with kids and still dream he is back alive and living a happy life somewhere. Sorry just have to get it off my chest!

SerafinaScoresby · 25/10/2015 20:39

I can't even believe this thread. OP, if you do come back and read the comments at all, please PLEASE see a doctor about these thoughts and feelings before really going through with any of it. From the brief information you've given, I have to say your children will NOT forgive you for this.

MissApple · 25/10/2015 20:40

Poor kids, you sound pretty selfish and unloving. Surely its only another few years then they will be off to uni and you will be 'shot of them'?

IonaNE · 25/10/2015 20:41

Guys.
The fact is there is no way to try whether you would really like being a parent before you actually have children. Once that happens there is no way to send them back. The OP and her ex don't particularly enjoy being parents. As they can afford it, they did what is best for the children: they sent them to boarding school. (Which, btw, is great for children imo and I can't understand the "then why did you have them?" posts. Kids are not dogs, you don't have them because you want to have one at home.) Lol to the poster who suggested the OP should take them out of the boarding school and enrol them in the local school so "they come home to you every day". I mean, the OP struggles even at the weekend, yeah, it's her dream to have her kids every day.

Also: if they go to the US they "will become Americans"? And? Confused Is there something wrong with Americans?

OP, I have seen you have left the thread but should you come back to read this: go for it if you can afford it. Oh, and congrats for ending a job you disliked.

Shutthatdoor · 25/10/2015 20:44

go for it if you can afford it.

Yeah why not..... don't worry about the children whose lives you are turning upside down Hmm

Heathcliff27 · 25/10/2015 20:48

If money isn't a problem I don't understand why you didn't resign from your shit job long ago.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 25/10/2015 20:53

One thing I can never understand is a mother who willingly gives up her children and in some cases it's not because you're a heartless selfish person but a mother who is struggling....OP you sound like someone who's reached/reaching boiling point, I empathise. One of my best friends is finding solo parenting so SO difficult, she's only got the one, she works full time in a job she hates (she's a social worker) and I think she's reaching the boiling point you seem to have reached.

It boggles the mind when a mother wants to give her children away, my friend needs serious time out, my heart goes out to you and your children OP because you sound fragile and in need of help.

loveyoutothemoon · 25/10/2015 21:02

Before you go, you're deluded to think that you are just going to get sympathy on here. Poor children.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2015 21:03

Very few people could cope a day in my life

Seriously? You work full time and have two children in boarding school which means you are child free Mon - Fri. Tell it to someone else.

I'd say quite a lot of people on this board work full time and have kids in local schools that they must ferry to and fro each day plus activities. They deal with their children everyday, not just on weekends. And many of those people have jobs they absolutely hate. What they don't have that you do is the apparent resources to just dump it all to 'travel'. We have had to slog on and get things done. Why? Because we love our children and put them first. We realize there will be time for ourselves after we have sent them successfully into the world.

I'm going to be kind. I'm going to assume that you have some mental health issue, like undiagnosed depression, that is making behave so irresponsibly.

That said, I'm outta here.

wannabestressfree · 25/10/2015 21:05

Don't forget she has to courier things to their housemasters and mistresses Hmm

ILiveAtTheBeach · 25/10/2015 21:06

You are a really shit Mum. Your Ex was right when he said that.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 25/10/2015 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IonaNE · 25/10/2015 21:21

Beach, do you realise that that's you, and the OP is OP? Motherhood floated your boat. It didn't hers. She is a different person from you. A different kind of person than you. The two kids are already in boarding school. All that has happened now is that they won't come home for weekends. It's probably the best solution for all.

BrandNewAndImproved · 25/10/2015 21:25

This thread is vile.

There is obviously something wrong with the op and to many people have taken this as if it's their own mum running out on them.

Depression is horrible, please don't push people even further over the edge. You could very well be making the op suicidal and have even more dark thoughts.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 25/10/2015 21:25

All that has happened now is that they won't come home for weekends

Which for them may actually be a big deal! Plus their bedrooms being rented out.

Let's not forget the ridiculous way the OP has done this all in a few hours. No discussion with DC no anything.

BoffinMum · 25/10/2015 21:27

Beach, that was seriously nasty.

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/10/2015 21:27

many people have taken this as if it's their own mum running out on them.

Maybe because they really for the DC in this big revelation!?

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/10/2015 21:28

*really feel

Lweji · 25/10/2015 21:32

You are a really shit Mum. Your Ex was right when he said that.

Quite frankly, regardless of what you think of the OP will people stop saying the ex is right about what he says about her? He has very few rights in that respect, considering she was left as the resident parent.